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probably stupid rhetorical question about husbands and such

leesag's picture
Posts: 625
Joined: Jan 2010

Why am I supposed to be STRONG and keep my FEARS from upsetting him, but every time he has a FREAKING panic attack...it's MY fault?

Hello? I'm the one with Cancer! (Currently in its second remission I might add!)

Just Venting.

Love you all and I'm raising a glass of red in a toast to our survivors and our angels!


kikz's picture
Posts: 1346
Joined: Jun 2010

but it is with my mom, my son and others. I have to be strong or they get upset. I cry into my pillow when I need to, thankfully hardly ever! I have to have a CA 125 a month early because the last one climbed. I am handling it so well, I surprise myself. I guess I have really learned how to take it a day at a time. But sometimes I would like to cry on their shoulder or tell them how mad I feel or just tell them how much I want to live and yet fear I will die in the next couple of years.

I guess I needed to vent too, Leesa. This disease makes me feel so lonely. I have to keep so much to myself. That's why I love all of you so much, too. At least we have this place to come and be understood.

So happy about your remission. I'll raise my glass of iced tea as well.


poopergirl14052's picture
Posts: 1185
Joined: Nov 2010

Can some times be a jerk, they are scared for us but take it out on us. We are the sick ones who need to be stress free....not. I just try to bite my tongue. And keep peace which isn't, easy. On the other hand he cooks,shops, cleans etc. and really does take good care of mr,,,,I am in a catch 22....val

debrajo's picture
Posts: 1095
Joined: Sep 2011

Can I vent,too? I'm from the UPSC board. My dear husband who has NEVER been sick and can't stand weakness,told me my cancer was my own fault and had I taken better care of myself(like he does) this would have never happened! Sigh, deep breath, stress is bad, GRRRRRRRR! Best Debrajo

carolenk's picture
Posts: 909
Joined: Feb 2011

OMG! Debrajo, I don't think I could handle the attitude your husband has! I know you don't wish him to have have cancer but that guy is so self-righteous about his good health & completely ignorant about cancer, too. My heart goes out to you.

I guess we just have to cut husbands some slack--none of us are perfect. Sigh...


debrajo's picture
Posts: 1095
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks Carolenk, he is a trial that I do not handle well. He should have been born 300 years ago,a man;s man, Daniel Boon wanttobe that women should be bare-foot and pregnant and quite. His whole family is like that and the arrogance really is unbearable. I think 90% of my stress has come from him over the last 45 years. I could go on and on but I'm sure you probably know someone like him...nothing to be done, but to "grin and bare it"! Thanks for the support! best Debrajo

Susan53's picture
Posts: 179
Joined: Jun 2011

Time to vent and the right place to do it. My husband only looks at the positive things about my cancer. He seems to think it is all gone. I had surgery and they removed it all so you are so lucky. I am blessed but that dosen't mean that any of the 3 cancers that I had can't come back. He makes himself believe that they will not ever come back. I wish I could be that positive but in reality I can't. My husband was there for me when I had my treatments and was so very sick. I can't say that he did everything for me because I tried to do most everything for myself. I love my husband to death but he just does not understand like you people on this sight. Thanks for being her. Sharon

Mwee's picture
Posts: 1341
Joined: Nov 2009

our angels and our warriors and yes, our loved ones, too....
((((HUGS)))) Maria

Posts: 32
Joined: Mar 2012

because we all have the same feelings. I have a huge family/support system, and yet there are a lot of things I cannot talk about to them. My husband has been wonderful, but there are times when he makes comments and I take them to heart. One big one he brings up is the fact that I am no longer working, so therefore we lost my income. So when things come up like our bills, he will say things about not having my income anymore, and I feel so guilty. If I didn't have cancer then we would still be ok financially. Now we have a mound of medical bills that who knows when will get paid.....I know he doesn't mean to say it that way, but I take it that way.
I take everything personally, and have always been that way. Again, I am venting too, and I thank you all for listening!

Posts: 45
Joined: Feb 2012

I am so thankful that I have a husband that is just as concerned about my cancer as I am. But I know some men that are always more concerned about themselves more than anyone else. None of us should have to endure selfish men, we have enough worries as it is, but there are a lot of people who don't quite get it, my husband didn't realize I was still taking sleeping pills and when I told him that I was he wanted to know why I was still taking them, well he needs to try and sleep with all the worries that comes with cancer and everyday life. He shouldn't had to ask why. Some Days whew!


debrajo's picture
Posts: 1095
Joined: Sep 2011

I know, right! I take Xanax(the smallest dose they make) and prozac(again very small) mostly for panic attacks and all this cancer stuff. My husband found out and accused me of becomming so weak that I was now an addict...no better than a street junky! Sigh, Deep breath, stress is bad, GRRRRRRRRR, again! best, Debrajo

kikz's picture
Posts: 1346
Joined: Jun 2010

that women are called the weaker sex but we all know that men are the biggest babies. When I was at my wits end during chemo I broke down to my son telling him I couldn't take it anymore. He said, "mom you already know you'll feel better in a few days," in what I felt was a condescending tone. A few months ago he sprained his ankle (one of many times since childhood) and I waited on him hand and foot. All I heard for three days was, "mom...mom...mom" just like when he was a child. He is 31 now. I wanted to remind him of how unsympathetic he was to me but I didn't. He often comes to me to put those patches on or rub cream on his back when he strains a muscle while working out. I do it without complaint.

So who is the weaker sex?

Thakfully I never had anyone treat in the way some of you have been treated by your husbands. My man died in 2007 and I know it would have been difficult to go through this with him. Sure he would have been comforting but I know I would have to be worried about the effect on him. He couldn't stand to see me sick. Even if I just felt under the weather and wanted to lay down for a while he would keep coming in and asking if I was better. I would say I just have a headache or whatever. He would say, I don't want anything to happen to you. So I know he would have had a tough time dealing with the cancer.


Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2011

I love not having a husband. But, brothers, sisters, children, and friends are great!

debrajo's picture
Posts: 1095
Joined: Sep 2011

I'm getting there!!!!

anicca's picture
Posts: 335
Joined: Dec 2010

I am very, very lucky that my husband is caring and supportive. On the other hand, he is very susceptible to catching anxiety from me, and I know that if I want him to be there for me, I need to put big limits on how much I share with him. I could tip him over the edge, and we can't afford to both be incapacitated at the same time! My daughters were also supportive after my surgery, and during chemo, but they both are in the "you caught it early, now you're cured" camp, and I can't bring myself to push reality in their faces. If it recurs, they will get a dose of reality anyway, and if I manage to die of something else first, they's been spared that particular misery.

This is why I am so lucky, and happy, to have gotten into the psilocibyn cancer patient anxiety study. Soon I will be getting excellent therapy for free, with the hope that a dose of the drug will give me relief for up to a year. Honestly, even if I don't get a good result from the drug, it is going to be wonderful to be able to voice my deepest fears to someone in person.

leesa - I am sure I would hear the same from my husband if I really let go. The hard part for us is dealing with this horrible disease, the worst for our loved ones is that they have to see us suffer and know how awful it will be for them when we are gone. We are facing different demons, but demons nonetheless.

debrajo - I could not have put up with your husband for one second, but I am sure you have your reasons for sticking with him so long. The next time he tells you that you caused your own cancer, you can tell him that he needs to get an education and come into the 21st century. You can also tell him about my mom's friend's husband who was never sick a day in his life, until he developed brain cancer which killed him.


Posts: 181
Joined: Jan 2009

However insensitive a husbands comments can be, it is good to remember that cancer is a demon that knocks us off our feet , keeps us unbalanced and feeling out of control. Our mates experience cancer differently than we do as the patient, for a man, who normally wants to be in control and 'fix' things, cancer and all that it brings with it is something that truly can change them as a person..I speak from experience and am living through it now.
I get aggravated sometimes when he complains about what I think is a small thing, when I was the one to endure 5 days of hell after each chemo and never complain because I had to be strong. I am learning that his getting upset at those little things is really a reflection of the lose of control of the big things, namely the former normal life, and it is not a conscious thing he does. For me, after 3 cancers in 3 years, 6 surgeries, chemo, radiation twice, our former life is no more and it never will be the same.
I advocate him to get help, talk to someone, but that falls on deaf ears. I am trying to see his experience with my cancer through his eyes, rather than make him understand my experience, and the 'better or worse' means sometimes it is just that. After 40 years of marriage, to allow cancer to totally destroy my life, well, I won't allow that so I have to find a way to help him through this journey with me. Sometimes to try to see it through the other persons eyes can help us to cope with their bad attitude and be compassionate about it. Cancer forces us to deal with so much that is wrong, unfair and down right awful. As frustrated as I get, I look at it all as a challenge, and when I get through it, I am victorious.

debrajo's picture
Posts: 1095
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks Anicca. I was very young when we engaged(15) and two weeks past my 18th birthday when we married. It was war time and we were in love. I knew he was a hard man, but even in his hardness and later his bitterness he does care for me. I just was not expecting the hard attitude when I got sick. His whole family are brutaly frank and honest and they truly believe you bring bad things on yourself and you have no one to blame but yourself. I can't change him, but this cancer has changed me and he is having a very hard time dealing with the "new"me. Like I told him the other day,"I'm not the stupid, empty-headed little teenager you married...deal with it." Thanks for all the support from all of you..I come here to escape! Love, Debrajo

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