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Vultures on the fence

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

I've been fighting for two years now and the tumors in my liver are now at the smallest they've been since my dx. But still, in the past few months I've been getting people asking me if I'd leave them certain things when I die. At first I'd laugh and say "let's talk about it after that happens" but frankly it's starting to piss me off. I flat out hung up on my older brother when he asked if he could have my motorcycle and then got upset when I told him that it was going to my best friend. Has anyone else had people ask them about their bequeaths? If so, how do you handle such insensitive and rude questions?

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3346
Joined: Jan 2010

I have heard of this happening, and am always astounded at the nerve some folks have.

I suggest you tell the vultures...you will have to wait for the reading of the will...that is if you are still around by then!

You can also handle the direct item question with...I don't take requests!

Hope that you have many more years and that you make your will with a few minor bequests...such as a toy motorcycle to be left your brother.

Marie who loves kitties

gophergenius
Posts: 33
Joined: Apr 2012

I've got an ex that brought up a retirement plan I had back when we were married (17 years ago!) and " wants it". Another one that wants a piece of art work...When I pass, the money will go for medical bills, hospice and my funeral. If there is anything left, I will give it to cancer research or donate it to St. Jude childrens hospital. It is just a cold world when people, especially family ask for things/money. I understand you anger and wish you peace.

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

Every body in my family and friends are so supportive and positive , only spoken about this things with my wife ( she does not like it but I do)
since I think is necessary just in case!

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4907
Joined: May 2005

I almost can't even believe people (and family no less) would ask such things but I have no doubts they did... I have a decent guitar collection and I may have even mentioned that I'd prefer my kids get them but they don't play guitar. I have one guitar that is worth a few grand, it's handmade and very sought after. I'd probably give that to m y brother who also plays. But no one would ever think of bring this up. It would make me wonder what they're rooting for?
I would do what you did and give them to your best "Friend" or I'd make sure they went to a worthy person or cause.
And/or I'd say something like "you'll be gone first" or something like that. It's low-rent in my opinion...
-phil
PS: I like motorcycles...

gophergenius
Posts: 33
Joined: Apr 2012

to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio. Anything unusual...handmade...they may be interested.

joemetz's picture
joemetz
Posts: 493
Joined: Nov 2011

wow. that's all i can say.

I've spoken about a few of these topics with my family, and they always say... we don't want your sh@t... we want you to life and enjoy life.

so sorry to hear this news.

As for what to say... I think something like, "are you f'ing kidding me?... I plan to out live your sorry ***!"

If they are that bold to say such stuff to you, be bold and let them know exactly where you stand. Tell them that you don't think about others when i'm thinking about mortality. tell them...."YOU are the last person on my thoughts lately, especially now that you've asked me such a rediculous question". Live life!

beat cancer and make them all eat their words!!!
(then.... go buy another (even better) motorcycle.)

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

I agree with others...WHAT a RUDE thing to do!!!!!!

I've told my family that I have put all in a trust, and there is where their inheritance will be distributed from. Saves inheritance taxes...

But I can't imagine any discussion further about who gets what...as others have said "I plan to outlive you all"....WHEW! What a 'fan club' you have...

BIG hugs, Kathi

ketziah35
Posts: 1154
Joined: Jun 2010

I have developed a mouth like a sailor! Sorry that I am not patient and can explain how innappropriate people's behavior can be, but when it comes to my mom and people doing that I tended to curse a lot. Ikve come up with some very creative combinations too!

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1325
Joined: Apr 2009

Several years ago, an aunt & cousin visited my mother following her bout with pneumonia. She was still weak and on meds. They came to get a "little" yarn from her. When they left, the entire suv was stuffed with yarn. When she passed away, a small drawstring bag of nice diamonds she had was nowhere to be found. I'll always wonder??? Another cousin(same family) called before she passed, wanting to know if the antique Singer sewing machine was still around as she would sure like to have it. I just couldn't seem to locate it. LOL Nobody really cared how ill she was, so I figured they didn't need to know when she had a stroke or when she passed away several years later. Haven't heard a thing from any of them in 15 years. I guess I don't have anything they want.

I prefer pets to most family. They ask nothing in return but LOVE.

BTW, Doc. Is your picture in Flagstaff? I have a place south of there.

Luv,

Wolfen

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Hi Wolfen,

Love the pic. Yeah, it was taken at the Harley dealership in Bellemont. I had to move to Ogden Utah last year and sure do miss Flag a lot.

Doc

Helen321's picture
Helen321
Posts: 1409
Joined: May 2012

No and tell him to take a flying leap! I'm sorry that people are that insensitive. My sister once questioned my mother about my grandmother's things because "they could be worth money" when my grandmother was still alive and well and my mother told her to take a long walk off a short pier.

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1458
Joined: Apr 2010

On a similar topic, would you believe a long time coworker said the following to me last week when I expressed sadness that Rick was so ill. "Don't worry, we'll find you a new boyfriend.". For the first time in a long time, I was completely speechless. What, does he think my Rick is a goldfish?

Helen321's picture
Helen321
Posts: 1409
Joined: May 2012

Ha, I just used the goldfish sentiment when my daughter fainted and had contractions twice at just 22 weeks pregnant and the nurse said "oh you're a first time grandma so you're overreacting". I replied "this is my grandbaby, not a goldfish." Thankfully baby is fine and we're at 30 weeks. I think people are disconnected and don't get that we're all people because they can't feel the actual love we feel.

marbleotis's picture
marbleotis
Posts: 706
Joined: Mar 2012

Just say to whoever, "why do you want my stuff when I will out live you". It will shock them - like you know something they don't. People that talk to you like that are not family. Hang up the phone and do not waste your precious time on them. Sometimes there is no defending the stupid. Sorry you had to go through that, I am lucky to have a great supportive family, but to be honest some extended family members I do not speak to (and this was before my stage 3 colon cancer) Best of luck.

marbleotis's picture
marbleotis
Posts: 706
Joined: Mar 2012

Screening calls helps alot. You see who it is, you don't want to talk to them, don't pick it up. Now you are not upset - that is power!

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Thank you all for your words and support. I'll be the first to admit that my older brother is a jerk and proof that you can't pick your family. Fortunately he lives about 3 or 4 hours away so we don't see each other very much. I am definitely going to take the suggestion and leave him a toy motorcycle! As for any future questions, I'll take the "I'm going to outlive you" route. I've been saying for years that I'm going to live to be 120 and get shot to death by a jealous husband.

The one request that I have had that didn't bother me was when a lady friend of mine wants to take care of serivce my dog if I go first. But Lulu (my dog)and I have been together since she was two months old and she's twelve and a half now. I go before, I have no doubt that she'll pass from grief shortly after me. So, I've asked my dad to have her put to sleep and the two of us cremated together, with her chin on my shoulder and my right arm around her. Believe it or not, I'm in tears right now just thinking about her passing at all.

Doc

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4907
Joined: May 2005

Why does cancer make many of us become better people (or it maybe brings out our true selves) while it can often bring out the worst in those who we thought were our friends?

I like the idea of leaving a toy bike, maybe a Vespa?
(not that there's anything wrong with a Vespa but it's hardly a Harley!)
Outlive and outride them all Doc!
Best...
-phil

HollyID's picture
HollyID
Posts: 951
Joined: Dec 2009

Phil, I like that... A vespa... a scooter.

I also ponder the question of why cancer makes us become better people... because we get a second chance of being who we really are? Not sure. I know I'm definitely not the same person pre-cancer. :)

HollyID's picture
HollyID
Posts: 951
Joined: Dec 2009

Gosh, that almost had me in tears!

I was thinking about my dog this morning like that. We've had her since she was 2 months old and she's almost 17 years old. She's one of my kids. How will I survive when she's gone?

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Hi Holly,

It is truly amazing at how easily dogs, cats and other pets can become full members of a family. I've been blessed with having several very wonderful dogs, my fur-kids. But the bond between Lu and I is very special and much stronger than any of the other dogs that have been part of my life. She has literally saved my life on three occasions and she always knows when her daddy is feeling down. When that happens, she gets very cuddly which is exactly what I need at those times. Just one little example of how special she is: 50 years ago, my mother was attacked by a Saint Bernard and needed 33 stitches in her head. She's been afraid of dogs since then, even though we had a few while I was growing up. She never got very close to any of them, but she says that Lulu is HER baby and she gets very protective of her.

Doc

Semira's picture
Semira
Posts: 378
Joined: Mar 2012

What a great term :-)
Never heared this before... but sure will use it from now on because we've also 2 wonderful fur-kids in cat shape

A grin from Germany
Petra

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

I have two grandsons who are feline-Americans. Indy is an orange tabby (he looks like the cat Jones from the movie Alien) and Nick, a long haired black one with the greenest eyes I've ever seen.

Grinning back at ya from Utah,
Doc

Helen321's picture
Helen321
Posts: 1409
Joined: May 2012

feline-americans! lol LOVE IT! I have Fancy my granddog and whiskers (my daughter picked that name when she was 7) my fleabag best friend.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6528
Joined: Feb 2009

Just can't understand this. I've wrote a post and got lost. My family never asked what they could get from me but were there for me for help. I'd just say to your family and friends that what you have is your's and if it is willed to someone then they have to accept that. Just can't imagine family and friends being so bold as to ask for personal property from you because you had cancer. When my mom died, from cancer, I'd wanted certain things that I'd bought for my mom for Christmas or birthday and my dad gave those back, but it was afterwards. Tell your family and friends, "I'm not dead and don't count on anything for a long time." Sorry but they are selfish.

Kim

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Hi Kim,

My older brother is, as I've said, a jerk. I wish I could come up with another word that was not vulgar to describe him. I'd told my best friend, Laurie, that if anything ever happened to me I'd leave her my bike long before I was diagnosed. When I told her that, she kissed me and said that she'd rather have me around than the bike. Not being able to see her whenever we want is one of my biggest regrets about leaving Flagstaff.

Doc

dmj101's picture
dmj101
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2011

You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family...

I have solved the whole issue.. I have nothing.. Nothing anyone would want..

I spemd my money and burn what I can't spend.. I own nothing.
I have my moms jewlry that my brothers made me buy from her estate.. I will leave explicit instructions that someone buy that if I still have it when I die.. otherwise it is to be sold and the proceeds given to charity.. ACS and St Judes..

Phil Yes cancer makes us better people.. too bad - the really bad people don't get cancer...

marbleotis's picture
marbleotis
Posts: 706
Joined: Mar 2012

Cancer Makes you realize material positions....mean nothing. I tell my kids even if we had a billion dollars in the bank I would still have cancer and still need chemo just like everyone else in my position. The less "things" you have in life the better. Just before my Dx we sold (finally) our large house and moved (for a job) to NC and bought a down-sized beautiful home. This was God working in the background because after my Dx I could not handle the 2 mortgages. My advise to all is to have your treasures and give via a will to those who you want to have. The others - who cares. They lead shallow meaningless lives. I pity them!

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

any chance you could find a little biker guy to put on it, preferably with hand uplifted and middle finger prominently extended? Although it was not anywhere near as obnoxious as your brother's comment, I do have a SIL who asked me what my "bucket list" was, about two weeks after i got diagnosed.. Cancer definitely brings out the stupid in those around us sometimes. Ann

janie1
Posts: 753
Joined: Apr 2011

I had to chuckle......and you sure can't fix stupid, that's for sure.

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

You're right there, but you can always get a bigger hammer and try harder.

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2120
Joined: Oct 2009

Gosh, people are so insensitive and greedy. Pisses me off. One time when I told a neighbor that George had cancer and just got home from surgery she actually said, "Well, when is he going to die from this" what, huh, are you kidding me. I just smiled and said well not for a long time. What I really wanted to say was he is not going anywhere until after we dance on your grave.

Another person actually said last summer when George wasn't feel well, "What are you going to do when....I stopped her in mid sentence with a staredown. Again, are you kidding me, what kind of thing is that to say. What I had in my mind but too much of a lady to say was "go after your husband and money".....

Hugs - Tina

steved
Posts: 835
Joined: Apr 2004

I have to say I have become fairly immune to people's reactions. I used to take offence (though I have never had anyone ask for aspects of my possessions) but then realised I wasn't really sure how I wanted people to respond to the news I had cancer or was terminal. In many ways there is no 'good' response (though there are definitely bad ones with great examples above). People struggle to know how to respond and eachof us probably wants something a bit different from people so how can we expect them to know what we want.I guess I have lived with this so long I have become moreforgiving than I was and don't swaet over people's reactions- though have never had any of the real shockers above.

steve

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Hey Tina,

That go after your husband line was classic, you should have said at set her right on her ear!

Hugs

Doc

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

LOVE the "go after your husband" comment! You should definitely use that one if you ever get the chance again (which unfortunately you probably will, given how some people are).

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