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Here we go again...

lovingwifedeb's picture
Posts: 183
Joined: Aug 2010

A mom's hug lasts long after she lets go.  ~Author Unknown

Mother, RIP - May 19, 2011

Husband, RIP - May 27, 2011

I knew that this time of year was going to be very difficult to get through... but I really wasn't prepared for being slammed up against the wall once more with all the devastating feelings of loss again.  Then again what did I expect when I had placed all my emotions of losing my mom just one week before my husband passed away in a box to someday sort through as if I would be in better shape to handle it? Somebody's death had to wait.. I'm still processing all my emotions connecting me to my life with my husband & his death but as I experienced this my body told me that it was time to open myself up to grief once more, to the one person in my life who had the most intimate connections to my life than I could possible understand.

I work at a community newspaper and holidays are good for us, good timing for designing spec ads to encourage retailers/vendors to buy into the paper with. Well, the Mother's Day spec ad requested from my sales team started the ball rolling for me last week. I can't believe it's been a year since I've lost my mom. So many emotions surround losing her that I don't even know where to start to untangle my love and loss for her. My loss has always been mixed up with grieving for my husband in his sickness and death and it's been overwhelming. I have to ask myself... does a person ever get too old to grieve the loss of a parent? I lost my dad in 1996. That loss was probably the most difficult for me personally... a part of who I was lost forever and for the first time. Experiencing that kind of intimate loss was an identity/source crisis for me. Although my dad was never close with anyone I do know that he loved my brothers and I. BUT losing my mom... the one who always worried us, no matter how old we got, no matter how useless it became? Love? Devotion? Yeah, I think so. 

As a family we grew up in a time period of Ozzie and Harriet, Father Knows Best, Leave It To Beaver, Andy & Mayberry (you get my point). Perfect families existed on TV... but they did not exist in my house. I was devastated whenever our family situation couldn't live up to what I thought was "normal". Back in those days no one talked about feelings and it certainly didn't go outside the immediate family. 

I guess my whole point to all this is that it took me a long time to accept that is no one is perfect... ourselves included. My mom especially was not perfect but I grew to love her anyway. People come and go in our lives and it's not often we let some of them into our lives on the most intimate level (walls down). "Thank you, mom for always loving me, for showing me that no matter what rotten thing that might happen in my life that tomorrow is another day. Thank you for never forgetting my birthday. And as a mom, Thank you for all your support when I had Danelle, my one child and daughter. She is my world and my own lesson in motherhood."

It with great sadness that I will not be able to share with my mom that I am becoming a grandmother for the first time... this kind of sharing hurts in the most profound way. As I grieve for two very special people in my life today I also have every reason to smile knowing life does indeed go on.

The eldest daughter, Deb

wolfen's picture
Posts: 1329
Joined: Apr 2009


I am sorry for the loss of both your husband and your mother. I do not think that grief for a parent's loss has an age barrier. I lost my father 35 years ago and my mother 6 years ago. Both losses were profound. My father's death was from an aneurysm and fairly quick. My mother's last 6 years of her life were a living hell following a terrible stroke, and for that I grieve the most. I don't believe in a "benevolent higher power". If there is one, I would not worship an entity whose actions would allow so much unnecessary suffering.

I do find that as I get older, tragedies in my life appear more often and with much more severity. As you say,life does go on.

I am from the Colon Cancer Forum and mother to Johnnybegood who is a cancer warrior and I'm afraid I have no reason to smile.


lovingwifedeb's picture
Posts: 183
Joined: Aug 2010

Thank you for being here and responding... I don't come back here very often anymore but these anniversaries in this first year are overwhelming. Yesterday, May 1st was my anniversary... we had big plans to go back to Fiji where we got married this year. Just when I think I have grief in it's place it throws me against the wall one more time.

I will not argue religion here... your pic, the wolf tells me you must relate or understand the order of the pack? Only the strongest survive. I don't have any answers... I go through my own anger with my faith but I do know the moment we are born on this earth we are set up to die. Accepting that fact early on would allow each one of us to live our lives on the fullest level everyday. Most of us don't do that very well as it is.

I'm so very sorry your journey as caretaker is continuing... my heart goes out to you and yours.


Posts: 1862
Joined: Aug 2010

Come in many shapes and forms. Lost my brother May 25, 2010; husband got his cancer diagnosis two days later. I compartmentalized my grief for my brother in order to put my energies into helping my husband with his cancer fight. April 25, 2011 I lost my mom after caring for her for many years and very intensively during her last six months.

About a month ago I felt like I was "waking up" and starting to really feel things again. My husband successfully fought cancer and is in remission right now so we are trying out things we haven't done in many years while I was caring for my mom, like weekend trips to the beach.

I miss her but I don't miss her pain and frustration and shortness of breath: she was ready to get better but, failing that, I think she was ready to go.

Still not sure I have really grieved my brother. That one was a big shock.

Hugs, Deb.

Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Deb, I also became a grandma after my mom passed away. I always wish she would have been here to share in the happiness with us. But I feel that she is watching over us and now that I've also lost my husband hope that she found him and is taking care of him too.
I'm having sad feelings too cause our oldest grandson will be graduating from high school in 2 P& 1/2 years and he won't be there for that. Guess we just have to believe that all our loved ones who aren't here anymore are still with us in spirit.
Nice to see you here again. I only come on here occasionally. Take care Deb!!
Friends, Carole"

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Deb
I am happy to see you posting again. I know it helps me to come here and pour my feelings out to people I know can relate and will listen. Your mom has gotten your message. She is in heaven. I talk to God often and ask him to give my dad my messages. It works. Congrats on becoming a grandmother! You will be a great one. Your mom will be with you in spirit. You have yourself a Happy Mother's Day. Your husband and your mom are proud of you!
Tina in Va

Wendy Segler
Posts: 46
Joined: Sep 2011

I am so very sorry for your losses!!!!! If you need someone to talk to, email me at Wendysegler12@gmail.com. Wendy

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