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thinking about dad

shannonbobannon's picture
Posts: 24
Joined: Dec 2011

So I just got done watching the movie 50/50. It's about a guy that finds out he has a rare form of cancer. So anyway, throughout watching this movie the tears started to roll and I can't help but to think about my dad. I noticed that before my dad got diagnosed I didn't spend as much time with him as I do now and that hurts. It's like something bad has to happen before you realize that you shouldn't take the little things for granted ya know? It just eats me up on the inside that something this horrible had to happen for me to feel close to him and show him how much I really care. The whole time through this movie I was thinking like what if he doesn't make it to see me graduate with a nursing degree in college? Or what happens if I can't get to him if he needs me? A lot lately too I have been thinking about how easy it was to just pick him up and go do something with him whether it is a movie or whatever, and now I have to make sure he's okay and I have to make sure that he doesn't need anything, or if he has the strength to get up and walk a little bit. Why does this all have to be so hard and why am I being so hard on myself?

Another thing I've been thinking about lately is they know the cancer is somewhere in the lining of his stomach but apparently they can't pin point exactly where, but they said a few months ago that the chemo was has stopped it. Well about a month ago his daughter in North Carolina called (which is maybe once every couple of months), and then she posted something on facebook about it so i asked what it was and she said he told her it was stage four. None of this makes since if they can't find out where it is. And why is it that I'm there everyday and no one told me it was so bad but they tell her and shes never there? I don't know if I should be upset or angry at either one of them.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rants for now. It's just a lot that feels like it's on my shoulders and I'm tired of telling my mom about it and making her upset.


jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Shannon,

First of all, forgive yourself for being human :). I think good
parents raise their children to be independent and to someday,
"leave the nest". So, not spending time with your parents after
you've spread your wings is pretty normal and a testament to
their parenting.

I'm going to assume you're the baby (youngest). Most likely your
family has been trying to protect you as you stated in your profile
your father revealed his diagnosis to Adam (boyfriend) and wanted
to wait until the "right time". I suspect the same thing exists
with the daughter in North Carolina.

In your defense, your father asked you to come home and you've done that.
You are being there for him and I assume you're participating in
caregiving and for sure, the support :). Maybe when you feel the time is
right, discuss things with your father. Explain you want to know the
complete truth and you don't want to be so shielded (if that's how you
truly feel). You're a "big girl" now and you are planning to become a nurse.

There aren't a lot of details in the bio/profile about your father's cancer.
There are many survivors here of stage four cancer so know there's hope.

You are always welcome here to rave, rant, laugh, and vent. I know this is
not an easy road for any of us. Just know you, your father and family are not
alone. Big sloppy hairy hugs (yep, my hair grew back) coming your way.

And by the way, I watched 50/50 also and it made me cry a little bit and laugh
a lot. I'm a cancer SURVIVOR and some of the elements of the movie really hit home.
I shaved my head also but not with my best friend's "man scaper" ;).
I've also watched "The Big C" on Showtime and it's pretty funny (and sad at times) also.
It's like the "Sweet and Sour" of life.

Warm and positive thoughts,

DX: DLBL 4/2011, Chemo completed 10/2011, currently in remission. :)
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shannonbobannon's picture
Posts: 24
Joined: Dec 2011

Your words are extremely encouraging right now. I know that we are all only human and I think some are just more emotional sometimes than others. My dad texted me today and wanted to ask if I could help him get his prescriptions today, which are the pain medicines hes had to go a few days without because hes taking them when it hurts. He told me this morning that he has pneumonia, which I've heard causes a lot more problems when you have cancer correct? And he says that this is starting to eat at him a lot more and it used to hurt every other day but now it's every day. How am I going to cope if I lose my dad to something like this. I don't want him to hurt anymore but I don't want him to leave me either. It's a big world and I'm just kind of testing the waters until I graduate college. It's hard to watch him go through this right now. My dad is my rock and I can't imagine to take this long road ahead without him ya know?

Thanks for listening.

jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Shannon,

I'm sorry your dad is in pain and about the pneumonia. Hopefully he's on
antibiotics for that and it will clear up soon.

What kind of treatment has your dad received and is he in treatment now?
I truly am sorry you're having to go through all of this.

My heart goes out to you.


shannonbobannon's picture
Posts: 24
Joined: Dec 2011

I went to my parents tonight after reading your post and had my mom write down the chemo and stuff that he is on because obviously you know more about this and chemo than I do. My dad did tell me he was on a Z-Pack for the pneumonia, which I am thankful for the fact that they didn't give him the chemo so they could do a PET scan and see what was going on. They actually have found that its in the lining of his abdomen and it's in the fluid in his stomach. They say it's not getting better and it's not getting worse and although they want to try a new kind of chemo on him they aren't going to because they don't know how he will react to it and i suppose they figure that he will be better to just stay the same on the chemo he is getting now.

So anyway this is the list my mom wrote down so that maybe you can help me better understand this...

As of today he takes these medicines everyday..
- 10 mg methadone
- Dilaudid 4 mg
- Potassium 20 mg
- Magnesium 500 mg
- Megestrol Acetite 40 mg and 20 mg
- Ativan 1 mg
- Lovenox 80 mg
- Zofran 8 mg
- MOM as needed

And the types of treatments in the beginning of chemo..

The first three drugs taken for six months --
- Carboplatin
- Paclitaxel
- Pegfilgrastim

Darbepoetin Alfa Leucororin Irinotecan which is what he is going off of.

Hope this helps you understand this a little bit better so maybe you can help me understand since you have been through this as well.

P.S. you look really great in your picture. You look very happy and healthy. You look completely different from what you did when I first joined the forum. :)

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