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I am Afraid and Feeling Weak

kimmygarland's picture
Posts: 313
Joined: Aug 2009

My husband is about to start his third battle in 3 years with throat cancer. He had surgery in March to remove the tumor and they got positive margins, so he will start chemo and radiation in the next couple of weeks. This is the second time for radiation for him, plus he is having weekly cisplatin so they are expecting a rough six weeks. He is already on the feeding tube and has no weight to lose. Plus, at this point, the odds are not in his favor.

So I come here to vent and admit that I am feeling afraid and weak. I have been so strong through all of this but I am afraid the last years are catching up with me. When I think what the next weeks and likely months may bring it is so overwhelming I want to crawl in a closet and hide from the world.

My once strong, positive, funny, exhuberant husband is shrinking away from me day by day. It is breaking my heart and my will. Oh I see glimpses from time to time that make me smile and I am trying to be thankful for those glimpses, as I know some day I will appreciate them.

I am already taking a low dose anti depressant and maybe I need to increase the dosage. But then, I don't want to be a zombie either. Ugh.

I'm not sure of the point of this post except that i am venting to people I know understand.

Posts: 29
Joined: Nov 2011

I def feel your pain and truly understand! I have only been dealing with this since October but I to want to just hide. I just joined Gilda's club which is a cancer survivors / caregivers support group. I was only able to attend 1 meeting but I do feel it helped. Unfortunately my husband took a turn for the worse and we are praying we can turn things around with a different chemo regimine. But it is something I would reccommend if you have one in your area.

Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

You are tired, I know. This has been a long fight and when we are taken by surprise by a sudden turn of events not in our favor, it is even more difficult.

Talk to your doctor about your medication and see if she has any further advice. While being strong for Bob is your goal, you have got to remember to take care of yourself.

Bob is tired, too, it sounds. Just hold on to each other when you can and give each other space when you need it. That's just as important.

Hugs, Kimmy. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

zinniemay's picture
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Kim, I am not always good at saying how I feel, but you did a good job of it. Hubby dx Dec 2008 his treatments and dx again Jan 2009 and treatments started March 2009, all was well till Dec 2009 his spread to his lungs.So he had gone thrru four types of Chemo and now on a pill. cause the Chemo stopped working. I spend so much time feeling lost and confused. I want to just stop I am afraid to say how I feel cause I know I will break down and cry.
I wish I knew word to express how much I feel for you . I hide behide jokes and always try to keep hope and humor with me , but there are days I just want someone to talk to and feel like they really listen and care.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Kimmy
I will be praying for all of you. Dear God, please give Kimmy the strength she needs to continue on this journey with cancer. Give her the peace she needs. Give her positive thinking. Continue to wrap your arms around she and her husband. You know very well their situation, let your will be done. Amen.

I agree with you about your anti depressant. Sounds like you need to up the dosage. I am on Effexor, 75 mg. daily. It is an anti depressant/anti anxiety med. It does not make me a zombie, just a relaxed, easy going person. I do not sweat the small stuff anymore! Keep your chin up, Lean on God, and us anytime, any day.
Tina in Va

Posts: 4
Joined: Apr 2012

I am caring for my father and am away from family and friends. It is very difficult. I have been living with Dad since Dec 26th. I had just scheduled a flight home for May only to learn that tumors are reappearing, so I cancelled my flight and am preparing for phase 2.

I find that regular exercise and eating healthy helps boost my spirits - especially the exercise. I run/walk when Dad's not in his 'scary stage' (where he can black out and fall). During the scary stage, I have a few workout videos I do (palates, yoga, and dance). It must be the endorphins that are released by excerise that make you feel better. After exercise, I notice that my mood becomes upbeat again and it channels into discussions with dad, husband (2000 miles away), work members, etc. And yes, I am able to work remotely which also helps.

The American Cancer Society has a link devoted to Caregivers that may help you find strength to get through this:


Topics include:
Who are caregivers, and what do they do?
Understanding the health care system
Making health decisions
Long-distance caregiving
The treatment timeline
Staying organized
Taking care of yourself
Asking for help
Job, insurance, and money concerns
Legal issues
To learn more about caregiving and coping

Best wishes to you!

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I can relate to what you are going through. As you probably know, my husband fought for 6 years before losing his battle. He used to call himself a "repeat customer" at the chemo lab. I used to just say the roller coaster ride continues. This so isn't fair. Somehow, though we do find the strength and the courage. I can only believe that God gets us through. He doesn't make it easy. I guess nobody ever really promised us easy. We learned to consider each treatment as just buying time, and decided to cherish that time. Again not easy. Humor did help us. Lots of humor. So don't lose that. I know you are both tired, and i know from your posts you are an amazing caregiver. Hugs, Fay

kimmygarland's picture
Posts: 313
Joined: Aug 2009

Thank you so much for your replies. I am still struggling and I think part of it is, that we have this down time before treatment starts. We are all ready to get on with it.

I think I am trying to do too much, which is how I roll. I can't be all things to all people and I need to realize this. Right now I need to concentrate on him, and let the job slide where it must, don't worry so much about my diet, etc.... it's just hard. I am a very Type A personality and CONTROL is so difficult to give up, but I must.

I am getting daily exercise - well, a bit - 20-30 minutes a day - we have a 14 month old lab and he requires a daily walk. It helps, but is also feels like just one more chore that has to be done on some days.

He will get his picc line in, in the next few days (doesn't HAVE to have it on Day 1 since he has good veins) and first radiation is Monday, first chemo is Tuesday.

It is very nice to have a soft place to land here when needed... thank you all again.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

hey Kimmy
You my friend have hit the nail right on the head! Please keep that daily walk a priority. You and your dog both need it. You need it for your brain and your body! Praying for you both. Come fly in anytime! keep in touch.
Tina in va

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