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I was doing so well

Posts: 126
Joined: Mar 2012

After I swallowed and digested my diagnosis, then decided to shave my head as a preemptive strike, had the port placed and took my first treatment I was doing so well. Emotionally. But this week I am falling apart. My next chemo is Friday and I am hoping I am no sicker than I was the first time. It was bad, but only lasted a few days. So now that I know what to expect why am I crumbling??
For one thing this fatigue would drop an ox and I have right upper quadrant pain that I have reported, and every time I do I am given some song and dance about my colon dropping???? I don't see my onc till May 1st, and when I asked if I could see him sooner, because this pain is really concerning me, she said, it could be adhesions and he does not see his patients until after the second treatment for a full physical and be able to give all test results. Plus even tho I did shave my head, I am losing it in patches and for some reason that has got me so upset!!! And I was FINE! fighting, I was going to be ok Lets do this type attitude, and now I feel deflated. Some of you seem so strong, do you have these private moments as well? Thanks for listening :(

AnneBehymer's picture
Posts: 739
Joined: Jul 2011

I was like you I did not shave my head until after the first treatment but I was told I had cancer I went through all the ok heres what I need to do. I had the port put in I had my first treatment which by the was did not go well at first it left me saying five minutes into it somethings wrong to having a small seizuer before they got me undercontrol, but that another story. Anyway but just befoe the next treatment I fell apart I think it because it became real the port was in the first treatment was done the cancer is real. THE CANCER IS REAL and it hit so hard there was no more dening that we have cancer he have done the first treatment yes you now know how things work and that in it self is hard to deal with you should not be saying NOW I KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT we were never supposed too understand this we were never supposed to know what to expect please keep coming here we will help as much as we can and if we don't have the right words we will be here to love you throught it with all that is in us because we have been where you are.

this is way I write Love, Hugs, and Prayers because each day as cancer paitents we need love hugs and prayers to make it through

Love, Hugs, and Prayer.

Posts: 126
Joined: Mar 2012

thank you. I do need lotsa love right now. And glad to know about this delayed emotional reaction. I think as women, it's how we are. Just like when my kids were small and there was something going on. Deal with it first, fall apart later. I just think that's who we are as women.

kimberly sue 63's picture
kimberly sue 63
Posts: 421
Joined: Apr 2012

I think everything you are feeling is normal. I would be concerned if you didn't have moments where you just fall apart. You are experiencing things in your life that know one should have to endure and you are doing it with grace. These emotional turmoils are part of the grief and then adjustment of your present circumstance. Let the tears flow, reach out to those you love and let them pamper you for a while. You made it through your first chemo and now only 5 more to go. You are making progress. Hang in there.

Mwee's picture
Posts: 1341
Joined: Nov 2009

of emotions. I've been doing this since 2006 and YES, sometimes I feel Super Cancergirl..
ready to leap chemo in a single bound.... and then I have those other days. We're right here to listen anytime.
(((HUGS))) Maria

Radioactive34's picture
Posts: 387
Joined: May 2011

Rollercoaster is a great discription of this. That is why anti-anxiety and depression drugs help. It is a crazy ride.

Posts: 81
Joined: Dec 2011

I had a total meltdown with each cycle of chemo. I hated being so sick. I had at least one day each cycle where I literally slept an entire day. And the first treatment was the easiest for me because I didn't know what to expect. Once I knew just how bad it gets, I dreaded every cycle. I would start getting edgy the day or two before my treatment knowing what was coming. I would lie in bed and cry for my mom. Not that she can do much but it does make me feel better having her around. Chemo sucked the very life force out of me. I nearly refused the last cycle. Hang in there. I'd like to say it gets easier, but it doesn't. You just have to hang on. I finished my last cycle march 21. I don't even know how I made it through 6 cycles of poisoning.

I'd be raising hell seven ways from sunday about your onc refusing to see it and address your pain. I saw my onc before every cycle of chemo. When I call, somebody calls me back within an hour. Alot of stuff the nurses can deal with as they have alot of experience but if I need to talk to my onc, he will call me sometime that day.

Posts: 45
Joined: Feb 2012

We have good days and bad, I still cry everyday, been NED since Oct. 2011, my CA 125 levels don't seem to want to stabilize. Just tested again and it is 47 was 30 before it's just so nerve racking, time for another cat scan too, have them every 3 months, genetic testing starts Friday, so it is never ending. Just looking for a breather and my daughter wants me to go to Cancer Center of America for supplements to help from getting a reoccurrence so have that to think about and they are about 4 hours from home. I think the worst for me was my last treatment, it was like what now I don't have chemo to keep the cancer gone, I was just going crazy thinking about that and I seem to have been the most sick with the last treatment. But no matter what it is just hard to get past the fear, if you just knew that after going thru chemo that the cancer would never return then it would be worth it, so I just try to believe and have faith that I will stay NED and do a lot of praying. Stay strong and know that you aren't alone. Also like you I had my head shaved but not till after my second treatment, and I was fine with shaving then it was devasting looking at my bald head because it was a reminder of the cancer everyday, then I lost my eyelashes and eyebrows after my last treatment and that was even worse still waiting for eyebrows to grow back and to get enough hair to go without wig, also can't believe you can't get in with your oncologist till May, I don't think they really get it sometimes. Good luck and stay strong, you can do it!

Hugs and Prayers

lovesanimals's picture
Posts: 1364
Joined: Sep 2011

with the women on this board. This journey that we're all on is definitely a rollercoaster ride. Some days (or moments) we feel strong and then many other times we feel vulnerable and scared. Thanks to the women on this board, none of us are fighting this alone. Please keep us posted and always feel free to share with us.


garden gal
Posts: 212
Joined: Nov 2010

it can be real tough. Think positive if you can, thats what I do. Everytime I think I can,t take anymore I tell myself yes, yes I can. the side effects from chemo don,t last for ever or at least the real bad ones. Take it easy, rest, take meds for nausea and pain, do whatever it takes to get you through this, and yes cry. One thing that bothered me was you not being able to talk to your dr when you have concerns or pain, never heard this before. I can call my dr any time and always get a phone call back. This certainly will help with any fears and concerns you have. This is so new to you and in time it might just get a little easier for you, I've been at this for 3 yrs. now with ony a 8 month remission. I just take it one day at a time and try very hard not to let this ugly disease eat at me all day long. Please let us know how your doing, hang in there you'll be surprised how strong you really are. Kathy

Posts: 126
Joined: Mar 2012

thank you all for responding and letting me know that it's ok. I thought "why now" but you have let me know it's an up and down ride forever more. Feel better now. I am checking with my insurance company for a second opinion approval, from what I have read I am on the right meds, but it's the CARE I feel I am not getting.

Cafewoman53's picture
Posts: 737
Joined: Jul 2010

It is hard to be positive when you are not feeling well. You will feel better but just remember that the chemo is destroying the cancer so rest while you are not feeling well and visualize the cancer disappearing from your body.
I would demand to be seen for the pain you are describing, have they examined you at all for it? I think depression is also a common side effect of chemo and that can make any pain you are having worse.
The ups and downs of this treatment and disease are crazy but just knowing that it will get better helps. Everyone is different but my last two treatments of carbo/taxol were so easy I wondered if I had gotten chemo-lite.
You can do this and hopefully have a long remission to get strong and heathly.

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