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in final days

Carl_Renee's picture
Posts: 84
Joined: Jun 2010

Just an update to let everyone know we moved on to Comfort Care Monday evening. Labs just weren't improving as hoped with dialysis. Kidney dr.s came in Monday before my meeting with other dr.s, palliative care etc and questioned why it was ever offered as a possible help. I told them they offered it to me as a last ditched effort they had seen it work but had never done it. Was a long shot and I felt that if I did it and it worked great he still got to be with his kids and watch them grow, if not then at least we tried and knew for sure his body was just done.

So was the liver resection his best option... w/o surgery they gave maybe 3-6 mos, with surgery up to 2+yrs. From what they have seen they don't understand why this all happened. The tissue around the tumor they removed showed to be good, the ultrasounds showed good blood flow thru the liver. So where Carl can't be a donor as he has listed on his license I am allowing an autopsy when the time comes to not only hopefully give us closure for why things went the way they went but to also hopefully help the next person this may happen to.

This has been an incredibly hard couple years esp past 2 1/2 mos. I wish we could have made more of the time, but really as tired as he was, all the ER visits, hospital stays we did do what we could when he had good days. We were starting to get to a point of being able to do more from going on movie dates again, him back on the horse, hitting up the rodeos, outdoor shows etc. While he was still somewhat lucid yesterday we got our vows renewed. Was on the list of things this year to do. So where not how we planned it, we got it done :) I will still buy the ring we picked out in January and wear our current ones on a necklace around my neck close to my heart. The officiant we picked out still did her thing on speaker phone. A few friends showed up to surprise me brought stuff to make it happen. So not quiet like we had planned but did happen

Had a rough night last night agitation sat in he tried pulling out his catheter and kept taking off his oxygen as they were bothering him. He managed to pull off the last of his sticky things from ekg and the bandage from where we pulled off the dialysis tubes. He has seen the kids they are here but 2 of them decided they can't stay. Ironically the oldest is one that feels she can't watch anymore and originally she was one that wanted to be here. the youngest decided he would be here to say good byes while he could and our middle decided even if she has to watch to the end she couldn't leave me that she needed me right now as much as he does.


alexinlv's picture
Posts: 194
Joined: Jul 2010

I am so sorry, Renee. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! xo

Sundanceh's picture
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi Renee

I've been following your story, but my life has had a huge upheaval during that time and I have not been able to respond in the manner I have wanted to.

I'm very sorry for all of this - I know you had high hopes and we all shared those hopes with you. I'm glad your children did come by, that was important to do for alot of reasons. The oldest one taking it hard is just probably because her maturity is allowing her to see what she doesn't want to see - what she doesn't want to let her brain acknowledge.

Sometimes in life, we think if we're not seeing it, then it's not actually happening...this is how we rationalize what is happening before our eyes. Of course, she does see it and understands it to the point that she understand it. But, that is where the conflict is.

Perhaps, in the coming days, she will have a change of heart...she needs to make peace to be at peace, as things can have a lasting effect when they are not addressed. And your other kids wanting to do the right thing and stand with you is a testament to how you and Carl raised them.

That was a great story about your wedding vow renewal - a true love story - it's a story of love and committment to one another and saying "I Do" again and choosing that partner once again is the ultimate show of love and respect. I applaud you both.

I wish I knew of something more comforting to say...I'm sorry I have not had the opportunity to talk with you before today...I've got some life changing events with my dad right now that has taken my time.

But, I wanted to seize the moment and reach out to you today and let you know that I've been reading and keeping up with you...wishing you nothing but peace and serentity in the upcoming days:)


LAF53's picture
Posts: 61
Joined: Sep 2011

you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


tommycat's picture
Posts: 790
Joined: Aug 2011

Very sorry to hear things did not work out as everyone had hoped.
How beautiful you were able to renew your vows...
Thank you for sharing your story, and what a gift to science you are making. Carl will be doing good, even after he crosses over.
God bless you~

Posts: 217
Joined: Apr 2010

are with you and your family. May pallative care be of help to you all. Pat

Lovekitties's picture
Posts: 3360
Joined: Jan 2010

So very sorry to hear that Carl is failing.

It was a wonderful, beautiful thing that you and he got to renew your vows. Love is a wonderful thing.

I am glad your children were able to exercise their choice.

I pray that Carl will have no pain and will slip peacefully into what comes after.

I pray that you and the children will in time be able to share all the wonderful memories of your life with Carl.

Take care dear Renee. Hugs and love to you all.

Marie who loves kitties

Posts: 370
Joined: Aug 2011

I am so sorry for you that things have gotten to this point. I have wanted to write to you since my last post. I think it is wonderful that you have honored your children's wishes but I also was hoping they were really doing what they wanted to do. Sounds like you have been right on in letting them work through the way they are best comfortable handling the end of their dad's earthly life. This hit home with me as my mother died when I was ten. I was not given a choice to see her in her last five days and I often wonder if seeing her would have helped me process her passing more easily. I had certainty that she would be going to heaven so that helped. My mom died in 1968 and people were more hush-hush about it then. However,she was very open about her impending death which to me was distressing at times. I sometimes felt angry with her for talking about it but in hindsight, I think that was a good thing. With hospice and palliative care, things have changed and it seems these services help families prepare for the crossing over of loved ones, this difficult process of life for those left behind.

It sounds like you have had and are having precious moments with your husband. I pray for his peaceful passing and for your well-being as you go through this difficult time. Lights and prayers to you and your children. Laura

Patteee's picture
Posts: 950
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Renee,
I have looked for your posts, read your words, prayed and prayed some more, shed a few tears and today smiled a bit when I read you made the wedding vows renewal happen.

I have stayed off the board for a number of reasons, but feel as though I need to hold you, Carl and your kids, family and friends in my thoughts and continued prayers for understanding and peace in the journey you are on.

My cancer dx was almost 4 years ago, I have been NED for 4 years. I didn't have any spread of cancer, dx a 3B. At the time of dx, looking at my own children, and my brand new grandchild, I knew I would take any and all chances for TIME. I knew in my heart I would do whatever it took. I turned my cancer over to a fabulous Mayo surgeon and the best oncologist in the world. I left no stones unturned. I needed to know in my heart and soul that I had done EVERYTHING I could. It was as though I could accept the path I was on if I absolutely knew everything possible was being done.

I hear in your words second guessing the decision for the liver resection- but I also hear you pressed forward, both you and Carl did, to find the answers, leaving no stone unturned to get him more time. I am so sorry it didn't work. :( It pains me, all of us here, to hear what you and your kids are going through. I hope in time that only happy memories flood your life....Renee, you did everything, Carl did everything. Everything was done. You left no stone unturned.

geotina's picture
Posts: 2122
Joined: Oct 2009

I've been following your story. I'm so sorry. I was hoping things would settle down and start an upward swing. You have done everything you possibly could to help Carl so please, don't ever second guess yourself and decisions that were made.

Hugs to you and your family - Tina

Posts: 306
Joined: Jan 2010

Best to you and your family.

Posts: 1428
Joined: Feb 2011

Oh Renee, I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. Don't second guess any of what you have done for your husband. You are all in my prayers.

Brenda Bricco
Posts: 579
Joined: Aug 2011

This is just heart breaking Renee. I so wish it had all gone better and it had given you both some extra time together. I am so sorry for you and your families struggles and I wish he was hitting up the rodeos. God bless you Renee, I so wish this was better days for you.

toyfox's picture
Posts: 158
Joined: Apr 2011

So sorry you and your family are going through
this. Was so hoping and praying this would have
a different outcome.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Posts: 753
Joined: Apr 2011

Renee, you are amazing how you have handled all of this. You have nothing to ever second-guess. Thank you for keeping us in the loop.
How beautiful for you and Carl to renew your vows. Will continue to pray for comfort and peace for you and Carl and your children.

KathiM's picture
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

dear, dear, Renee....

Hugs, Kathi

LivinginNH's picture
Posts: 1458
Joined: Apr 2010

Oh, dear, this news really tugs at my heart strings. I'm so very sorry that things are not going in the right direction for Carl. You both did everything possible to obtain a better outcome, so you should have no regrets.

May you future be filled with loving memories of the special times that you've spent together.

All my best,

Posts: 157
Joined: Jan 2011

So sorry to hear this news..May the Lord grant you peace. My thoughts and prayer are with you.

need support
Posts: 40
Joined: Feb 2012

Hard to put into words how sorry I feel for your family. God bless you. chuck

tootsie1's picture
Posts: 5064
Joined: Feb 2008

I'm praying for y'all.


steveandnat's picture
Posts: 887
Joined: Sep 2011

So sorry Carl hasn't gotten better I pray for him and everyone in your family. This is such a cruel disease and for some unknown reason takes great people way to quick. I'm so happy you were able to renew your wedding vows. That is such s great idea. I wish we all could be there in person to give Carl and you huge hugs and support. I'm praying hard tonight. Jeff

herdizziness's picture
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you both were able to renew your vows.
You have my heart.
Winter Marie

Carl_Renee's picture
Posts: 84
Joined: Jun 2010

Well he is still hanging on. He has slept since about noon today after they got his pain back under control and with it has come such a peacefulness I haven't felt in weeks. He seems so peaceful right now and relaxed it is comforting. Earlier today they were saying hours -maybe since he is so strong willed still a day or two but definitely not long from now.


herdizziness's picture
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

It is so good that this peacefulness has come and you are finding comfort in it. I imagine you there in the hospital with him touching his face, his hands, letting him feel your love, I'm sure some of his peace is coming from that as well.
Again, my heart is with you,
Winter Marie

Semira's picture
Posts: 378
Joined: Mar 2012

and so sorry for what ist happening to you both. Wish you peace an strenght.


Posts: 370
Joined: Aug 2011

Know that you are being supported from afar.
Peace and light to you, Carl and your family.

Posts: 220
Joined: Dec 2009

I have not been on the board in a while and did not know this had happened. I'm so sorry you did not get more time to do the things you wanted together, but so happy you made so much of the time you have had the last three months with picking out the ring and renewing your vows etc.

Godspeed, Carl.


Lorikat's picture
Posts: 682
Joined: Jul 2011

Renee, God bless you and your family at this time......there are no real words of comfort I know...

However I will pass this on to you....know that every moment of love and caring shared during this time will stay in your heart and soul and become the strength and building blocks for the rest of your life. Always there in difficult times. Always there in good times.

I lost my husband to prostate cancer (which had metastasized to his bones and stomach) one month past my 40th birthday. It has been 21 years since he went away and while I have remarried he still lives in my heart.

DO NOT second guess or question yourself EVER! Having cancer now myself I so treasure the times with my family, realizing just how much of themselves they give to me. Hugs and prayers, Lorie

wolfen's picture
Posts: 1328
Joined: Apr 2009

This is no rhyme or reason for any of the things that have happened to Carl. All of the decisions you made were in his best interest. I hope he is still resting comfortably and wish peace for you, Carl, and the children in this most difficult time.



Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

So sorry. Big hug to you all. cancer sucks big time! Hang in there!

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 827
Joined: May 2011

you are an amazing caregiver! Blessings on you, Carl, and the children during this time. Know many hold you in their heart and prayer.

Cathleen Mary

thxmiker's picture
Posts: 1282
Joined: Oct 2010

Our thoughts and prayers are with you two!

Let him make the final days has comfortable as they can be.

Best Always! mike

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

Dear renee,
Stay real close, look into his eyes with love, hold his hand, stroke his brow.
Let him know how much he is loved, help the kids to show him.

Pray for a miracle, even if its a peaceful and merciful death.

You are so much stronger than you realise. We are here for you 24hours a day for forever and just a few clicks away.
Someone is always on duty on this board. Alas their are more of us here, while we live and breathe we will help.


Ps love never dies. Don't forget to smile , gaze into his eyes through your tears. This how I imagined my death and what I would like whenever its gods will. so you know Carl, trust your instincts. My prayers are for you, Carl and the kids. Maybe get a counsellor for the oldest, she may regret missing his final days. Maybe a letter to dad if she cannot do face to face and you could read it to Carl.

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