Emotions

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Young Couple
Young Couple Member Posts: 3
edited March 2012 in Colorectal Cancer #1
My husband was diagnosed with Colorectal cancer when he was 29. It had spread to his pancreas and kidney. After surgery and chemo he was told the tumor was gone and hopefully the chemo had got rid of any cells remaining. He was always very strong and positive. Then after the chemo was finished, life really changed. He changed. We went through some really rough times and I didn't cope so well during the chemo, but I sought help and now I feel a lot better about things. It seems the better and more positive I am, the more disconnected we become. He seems angry. He drinks more and is less tolerant of things then ever before. He was always such a sweet loving man. Now I feel as if he is a stranger. Can anyone else relate? I dont know what to do. It has been 4 months since Chemo finished and I thought things would be semi back to normal.....

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  • tommycat
    tommycat Member Posts: 790 Member
    #2
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    Hi and Welcome
    Hello!
    Sorry to hear things are rocky now, esp. after you've both been through so much--I know if I were you I couldn't WAIT for things to get back to normal.
    In my marriage I was the one with cancer and my husband was nothing but supportive....and you know what? There were times when I resented him for it. Doesn't that sound strange? But when I sort it all out, time giving some clarity, I realize that those feelings were my own fear-based projections.
    I had thoughts such as, "Why did I get sick? Why can't I be well too? I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. Doesn't he (or anyone) understand my whole life has been turned upside down???"
    Cancer = Suffering. It takes a long while to process all of that brand new information.
    Here is an example to illustrate: In the town where I grew up, there was a bar known as "the cops bar." Police officers used to go there to unwind---and be with each other...people who really "got" what their day was like.
    It's sort of like that with cancer...very difficult to explain the length and breadth of the emotions that accompany it.
    It's likely your husband is processing & grieving everything he's been through...all that's happened. All of the changes.
    My advice to you is to keep loving him.
    Take good care, and welcome again~
  • thingy45
    thingy45 Member Posts: 632 Member
    #3
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    tommycat said:

    Hi and Welcome
    Hello!
    Sorry to hear things are rocky now, esp. after you've both been through so much--I know if I were you I couldn't WAIT for things to get back to normal.
    In my marriage I was the one with cancer and my husband was nothing but supportive....and you know what? There were times when I resented him for it. Doesn't that sound strange? But when I sort it all out, time giving some clarity, I realize that those feelings were my own fear-based projections.
    I had thoughts such as, "Why did I get sick? Why can't I be well too? I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. Doesn't he (or anyone) understand my whole life has been turned upside down???"
    Cancer = Suffering. It takes a long while to process all of that brand new information.
    Here is an example to illustrate: In the town where I grew up, there was a bar known as "the cops bar." Police officers used to go there to unwind---and be with each other...people who really "got" what their day was like.
    It's sort of like that with cancer...very difficult to explain the length and breadth of the emotions that accompany it.
    It's likely your husband is processing & grieving everything he's been through...all that's happened. All of the changes.
    My advice to you is to keep loving him.
    Take good care, and welcome again~

    I can relate
    Hi, and Welcome,
    I can relate with your husband. He is not angry at you, but at the whole world and with himself.
    I felt the same way. How can people expect me to go back to the way things where.
    I HAVE CANCER, do they not understand that? Until I found this board and peace within my self all changed. Give him time and let him know that it is OK to be angry and yell at the world. Go and yell with him and it is OK to cry even if he is a man. Cry with him if it helps.
    If you can just let him know that you are here for the good and the bad and that you will face whatever comes together.

    It is also OK for you to come on this board and yell and tell us your fustrations, we will help you through your anger also.
    Again welcome and many Hugs,
    Marjan
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #4
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    Hi
    One of the most difficult parts of a cancer diagnosis is the feeling of loss of control. You have no control over your health. You have no control over your emotions. You have no control over financial matters. At least that is the way it seems.

    While your husband's emotional state is somewhat understandable, I would hope that the two of you could find a support group or some sort of counseling to help you both sort out how to go on from here.

    Cancer changes everything. Nothing will be as it was before diagnosis. BUT, that should not mean you cannot find joy in living and with life.

    It is concerning that he is drinking more. That is not good.

    One other thing, is it possible that the doctors had some private conversation with him about his prognosis? If so, it may be that he is waiting to become a statistic. As all on here will tell you, don't worry about the stats. Not even the best doctors can say how long any of us will be around.

    Hope that things begin to turn around for you.

    Hugs,

    Marie who loves kitties
  • relaxoutdoors08
    relaxoutdoors08 Member Posts: 521 Member
    #5
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    He and You need to find the NEW NORMAL
    Hi,
    Thinking positive is important but the one with cancer knows there are no guarantees. It is like waiting for the next shoe to drop especially if one has been told one is in the group to most likely have a recurrence. Counseling may me beneficial to open the lines of communication and help your husband verbalize what is happening with him. Drinking too much is not helpful on so many levels. Medically his liver has had a "beating" from chemo so alcohol may be adding more for the liver to process. Emotionally one needs to grieve so one can move on and find peace and hope. Alcohol just numbs the emotions which may delay the emotional stages your husband may need to process to find inner peace and hope.
    Sometimes "tough love" is needed to get one to counseling. Prayers for you both.
    NB
  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    #6
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    I have been fighting this
    I have been fighting this disease for 6 1/2 years. I have had 4 major surgeries, 27 rounds of chemo and 3 blood clots along with 2 recurrences. It would be very easy for me to be angry but that will only hurt my chances of survival and not help them. Your husband has every right to be angry but it would be beneficial to him to find some peace and be thankful for what he does have which is each day that he wakes up.
  • lauragb
    lauragb Member Posts: 370 Member
    #7
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    Sounds like he is still
    Sounds like he is still processing what he has gone through. It is hard. Although I have come to accept my situation, I still have days when I think, "what the hell happened here?" especially when I think of my treatments and surgery and how they effect my life. Anyway, I hope you can get past this difficult time because if you can come together and support one another, your life can move forward in a positive way. Sometimes people hold it together during treatment and then fall apart afterwards. And things won't be the same. But learning somehow to appreciate each day (when possible) is something we can all strive for to give quality and appreciation to our lives.

    You guys are so young and this must make things hard too. You can get through this together and come out stronger. I will mirror what others have said, cutting back on the alcohol is a good idea not only for his liver but for mental health as well. It is only a quick fix, yet a depressant which will not aid in his emotional healing.

    Sending my thought and prayers to you. Let us know how things are going.
    Laura
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #8
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    relaxoutdoors08 said:

    He and You need to find the NEW NORMAL
    Hi,
    Thinking positive is important but the one with cancer knows there are no guarantees. It is like waiting for the next shoe to drop especially if one has been told one is in the group to most likely have a recurrence. Counseling may me beneficial to open the lines of communication and help your husband verbalize what is happening with him. Drinking too much is not helpful on so many levels. Medically his liver has had a "beating" from chemo so alcohol may be adding more for the liver to process. Emotionally one needs to grieve so one can move on and find peace and hope. Alcohol just numbs the emotions which may delay the emotional stages your husband may need to process to find inner peace and hope.
    Sometimes "tough love" is needed to get one to counseling. Prayers for you both.
    NB

    GREAT Advice (IMO)
    Many very good comments but this one stood out for me. HE needs counseling in my opinion then you probably both should go after he catches up so to speak. Young Couple, you said you've sought some help and feel better about it. He really needs to do the same I think.

    I've been at this a long time and within the first 6 months I started seeing a counselor. Possibly the most important and helpful thing I did. I don't see how cancer CAN'T change a person. And change is not bad either. I never got into the anger stage much. Sure, why me? To which I think "Why NOT me?". And "better me than my kids". I've tried to use my cancer to help others and if you're pissed at the world you can't do that.

    Cancer gave me new a normal every 6 months or so for the fist few years. Now the new normals come more slowly but it's been over 8 years for me. There's no way I would have survived if I was pissed at the world about this.
    Hope he gets help then you both do...

    NB, great advice!
    -phil

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