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Totally Destroyed

Posts: 6
Joined: Mar 2012

WHY...I come in here to vent and try to get some understanding WHY im losing my mind. Diagnosed monday 03/12/12 with stage 3 lymphoma lung cancer. Cancer is attached to my lympnodes in upper lobe of right lung.Went in to see a specialist today the cancer treatment center here only to be told it appears I may have cancer in other lymnodes in my right lung. Now I have to do a PET scan, scope down my windpipe, more blood work and now they want an MRI brain scan....Whats the use....This all came about because of a vehical accident last year with injuries to the meniscus in my left leg, damage to my shoulder and 3 herniated disc in my back. In order to do surgery on my leg they did a post op physical which included a chest xray that found a mass that led to a CTscan that led to biospy and then the report of stage 3 cancer in my lung.
Now need a PET, more scans, MRI brain scan, etc,etc,etc.....my employer will cut me off after 1 year then lose my insurance, then lose my home, already lost my mind. If I die off before my job runs out my wife will get the only life insurance I have because I couldn't afford to re do my term life insurance. If I do treatment and it does no good i die anyway after the year of empolyment runs out wife gets no insurance and Im dead anyway.
Im ata point right now Im about to go jump off a bridge...NOTHING short of a miracle will save me..I have lost all hope and dont know where to turn. No DR will do surgery on my knee to fix the meniscus tear and I can't go back to work until IT is fixed and NO Dr will touch it as long as I have a tumor in my lung....I have lost it yesterday and almost destroyed evrtything in my garage out of anger and despair. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

Ex_Rock_n_Roller's picture
Posts: 281
Joined: Mar 2011

... and I can see why you'd be ready to smash things to bits. Who wouldn't?

I think in your shoes, I'd be immediately getting in touch with a lawyer to go through what your benefit and disability options are, either through your employer, Social Security, or both. The thing you obviously want to do is preserve the benefits you have for as long as possible, and people get paid to help you do this. Don't assume you have to figure it out on your own.

The rash of tests you still have pending (brain MRI, bronchoscope, PET) are standard procedure in this situation, and they're not that bad. You can get through them.

And although I don't know anything about what you describe as "lymphoma lung cancer," I'm here to tell you that you can be diagnosed 3B NSCLC, get good results, and be living a normal life years after diagnosis. I was DX that way, with lymph node involvement and inoperable cancer, in April 2010, and I've had pretty much an unbroken string of good news, and have felt great, since ending treatment. This can happen.

I also understand the problem with the torn meniscus and the docs' reluctance, having severe degenerative arthritis myself (i.e. why would anybody dump new parts into this clapped-out car), but don't assume nothing can be done until you've consulted an expert whose job it is to maximize your chances of getting what you need in the overall picture, as opposed to what some individual doc wants to do.

Wishing you all the best of luck.

Posts: 3
Joined: Apr 2012

Your post has given me more hope then any discussion I've had so far ...thank you :)

Kerry23's picture
Posts: 17
Joined: Mar 2012

EX Rock is right.....It is a natural feeling to express your anger and frustrations. I woke up crying this morning. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but I do. I am sick of appointments and scopes and bloodwork every other day. Mine was found by accident too but on the bright side, it saved my life finding it early.
As far as finances, just try to think one day at a time. Don't get so ahead of yourself. You don't know yet. Taking your life will solve nothing but more problems left behind for your wife and LESS life insurance. My brother had a heroin overdose, they considered it "self inflicted" and cut the life insurance in half.
So what you are saying is no doctor will treat your knee until lung is taken care of? The lung is the most important so jump on that before "ObamaCare" kicks in. Or maybe it will be beneficial in your case. Look into short term disability. Your employer is going to give you one year? I don't understand that but that seems to be enough time to get this lung in order. As far as your other back issues, I am sure they hurt (my son had that) what are you doing for pain? Did you have breathlessness?
The tests can be done in two days. Blood, MRI, and PET can be done in same day and bronchoscopy (I just had one of those) was a piece of cake, I was in and out in 4 hours.
When I found out, I need everyone just to leave me alone for 3 days so I could accept and deal with it. I found out a month ago. I am awaiting the removal of malignant tumor in right lower lobe in lung. Lately, I am getting more breathlessness, I am a wreck, nervous due to upcoming pain as I am already on pain meds due to so many other issues including osteoporossis in my spine.
Please stay with us...I will talk to you anytime.

Posts: 844
Joined: Mar 2011

Your hospital will have resources, too. Talk to the onco departments social worker. They will help you qualify for ss or ssdi. Cobra costs me $500+ but is worth every penny.

ellenm4's picture
Posts: 124
Joined: Dec 2011

I am so sorry to hear of your news. It is horrific to get news like this. None of us on this site knew what to do...we too wanted to scream and break things. I commend you because you did this and believe it or not that did allow you release some of the anger my friend. We have all been at a lose of words and just being lost period. We are hear to lend you an ear, let you vent and hopefully give some advice on certain things. The test you talk of are all for the par. These will help to design a plan to save your life. Step back and look at your wife, she is suffering too. She fears losing the love of her life as do you. I know ths is happening to you and not her, but she is in it with you. I can not tell you what to do, but I can suggest that at 2am in a dark room it can be very lonely. That is the time maybe you might want to have a talk with God. If this is not your thing, then that is ok too.

It makes me angry everyday to login only to read post like yours. This cancer has taken enough lives, saddens my heart. I had breast cancer 2008 and lung cancer 2011. Had upper left lobe removed 3 weeks ago and I can not breathe still. I want to run and play with my 3 year old grandson, but I can not catch enough air to do this. The pain from the cut halfway across my back is no pain like I have ever had before and now when all else seems to get me down, my husband has been very cruel towards me. I use to smoke, but I quit 7 months ago afer I was told I had lung cancer. But my husband said it was my own doing. Twenty three years I gave this man and I am financially ruined from this cancer having it twice and now I am getting ready to go through a divorce which will leave me even more broke. But no matter how hard it is....I know I will get past this too! I am sorry...my heart is breaking right and I am doing this pity kick on myself. I said I would not do this. We make choices in our life everyday. My choice is not to fight him any this, for I need my strength to fight for my life.

Please, keep us informed and come back often to vent. We all need to from time to time...seems I just did and did not even mean to! I will keep you in my prayers and hope for only the best. You can get past this, nobody said it would be easy. You have already been given some good advice, please make the first step and try to use it. You and your wife together will manage. For better, for worse in sickness and health! Love her and she will love you. You need a good support team at home as well!
Will look forward to hearing from you again!
God Bless You!

Dapsterd's picture
Posts: 291
Joined: Jun 2010

Hello Jimmie....Ex-rocker says some good things for you to review....all i can say is slow down and simply put one foot in front of the other and try to prioritize events, even if you make small progress each day, this may help you not to be so overwelmed. I know you will look back in one year and say "how did I ever make it through that!" (that is what I and many others have said....you are no different)

Take care Jimmie

Posts: 199
Joined: Jan 2011

I don't blame you for feeling as you do Jimmie. The others however are right. Take a big breath and then slow down. The tests are ones we have all had and none are too bad at all.
Take the advice about getting a lawyer to sort out insurance issues. Don't be afraid to ask for support from others......family and friends and this forum. WE are here for you.

Rosi's picture
Posts: 69
Joined: Dec 2009

Dear Jimmy, One thing i can tell you: There is always a light at the end of a tunel...
God never give you a pain greater than you can take. I am praying for you. the same for Ellenme...provably right now you do not want to hear me say this things, but i ask God to bless you, and remember miracles can happeng.
take care

ellenm4's picture
Posts: 124
Joined: Dec 2011

Rosi..thank you. I am blessed already! I have 3 wonderful children and 4 grandchildren. Just because I have cancer twice now and my personal life is the pits....well it does not mean I get on the pity bus. Been there done that...now I have learned to channel that negative in other ways to make them positive! Thank you again for you prayers...they are always welcomed

ellenm4's picture
Posts: 124
Joined: Dec 2011

Rosi..thank you. I am blessed already! I have 3 wonderful children and 4 grandchildren. Just because I have cancer twice now and my personal life is the pits....well it does not mean I get on the pity bus. Been there done that...now I have learned to channel that negative in other ways to make them positive! Thank you again for you prayers...they are always welcomed

Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

So sorry to hear you have joined this site. I joined 2 years ago when my husband was diagnosed & died of lung cancer. It's such a great site and the support that you get from people you never met is unbelievable. Although I don't come on here as much anymore, I still check occasionally to see how everyone is doing. You've had a bad year and I was sorry to read about you. Hang in there & keep fighting! We are all praying for you.

Someone who has lost a loved one, Carole
Today is the 2 year anniversary of losing the love of my life.

barbebarb's picture
Posts: 464
Joined: Oct 2011

We have all had mixed emotions like what u r experiencing. Take e/day at a time emotionally and financially. Your reactions are normal. This board is inspiring and very supportive.
I am a single mom with two young adults and there are resources out there to help with finances.

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