Why ignore?

People are strange.
Cancer does cause "others" to fall into a stupor. That's why I love dogs.....they "get it".
Even my first onc looked at my husband when he talked as if I weren't even there. Did I mention the onc was the first onc... as in.... I found a new onc. Sorry about your neighbor. He shouldn't have come to where you all were gathered if he's going to be like that. Oh well, I guess just enjoy being around those that are good to be around.
Glad the weather is getting better and you both can be outside more!

People!
I'm guessing they didn't used to act that way. We DO have neighbors who are often mad at the world and will drive/walk right by people staring blankly ahead. I think that probably everyone on this site with cancer has a similar story. We can be treated like lepers (not to pick on lepers). Cancer's not contagious but certainly ignorance can be.

I got soooo much closer to many people while others dropped me. I figure that cancer hits too close to home for some people. There's nothing wrong with that, many are uncomfortable thinking about their mortality but there's really no excuse for rudeness at all...They could have spared a "Howdy"

Buckwirth said:

Vultures Circle
Apparently, when I was in the hospital (mid-December to mid-February) word I was a goner got out, and one neighbor asked Kathy if she wanted to sell my car, and another asked her for my computer. For whatever reason Kathy won't tell me who they were...

Funny thing, the neighbor that has been the most help is one I tended to avoid due to his proselytizing. Now he does none of that, and has been a huge help (he was the one who came over to try and get me up after I fell, and he was the only one who visited me in the hospital). Kathy even walks with him on occasion.

The ones we thought of as friends never check in, whether out of fear or because they don't want to bother us is the unknown thing.

Hmmm
I already have an iPad... Wow! Talk about no class. You're still warm for cryin out loud!
It's nice the one neighbor is walking the walk and not just talking the talk. That's what it's about.
You often find out who your friends really are when you're down on your luck, sick, etc...

I certainly hope it wasn't KATHY who was eyeing up your computer!
:-)
I can understand her not telling you. I think if I found out something like that I'd bust those people's chops like there was no tomorrow. I'd pretend I didn't know about it, then I'd say how I was going to donate the computer to a group (who I knew that person didn't like).

This (cancer) is quite an eye opener in many ways...
Hope you're feeling better Blake.
-p

Oh, dear
Dear Ellen,

I'm so sorry your husband was treated that way. No excuse for that! People are so strange in their reactions to a serious ailment.

Praying you and your hubby will have plenty of good people to hang out with.

*hugs*
Gail

Goldie1 said:

Would love to see the neighbor excerpt!
If I was a bit braver, I would have said something. But, I am peaceful by nature and not confrontational. Like I told Marie, my husband just shrugged off the snub and didn't let it get to him. It bothered me more! The thing is, my husband doesn't want to talk to people about cancer. He leaves that to me to discuss with whomever asks. He would rather hear the everyday mundane things that are going on with friends and family. That's what makes him feel better.

Needless to say "love thy neighbor" with that certain neighbor is not going to happen.

If you find that excerpt...please post...I would love to read it!

Thanks!

Ellen

I Fount It, Ellen!! - (Excerpt)
And I think that’s how ‘Cancer Loneliness’ really operates. It makes you invisible to other people and you become oblivious to their being. They know you’re out there; they just don’t want to know you’re out there. You know what I mean?

It’s the old “Out of Sight – Out of Mind” theory that is on human display here. With your family and friends, it can be as simple as they start ignoring you, or should I say pretending that you’re not there.

If we don’t call or stop by, then he must not be sick, right? Whew, glad we got through that one. That will buy us some more time where we don’t have to deal with them for awhile, right?

Or as co-workers, when you see one of us coming down the hall and you seem very intent on shuffling papers at the copier, until we pass harmlessly out of sight. Or, perhaps you duck down the stairwell or into someone’s cubicle to avoid an uncomfortable or awkward greeting when you see any of us coming.

Or maybe it’s as simple as just avoiding eye contact or looking the other way at just that right moment, huh? Or it could be the ultimate indignity, to pretend you’re having such a serious conversation with someone in the hallway that you can’t acknowledge our presence with a simple glance or a wave?

Or, maybe it’s that awkward silence in the break room as we both heat up our lunches and you shift around shuffling your feet nervously, trying to literally will your food to be done in the microwave so you can beat a hasty retreat back to your workstation and avoid what you feel would be an uncomfortable exchange of pleasantries?

Or as neighbors, where you see us in our driveways but you barrel down the street in your car, pretending you don’t see any of us out there and then very quickly getting your garage door shut to avoid another uncomfortable scenario that you’ve manifested inside your head.

Or perhaps you see some of us coming home from work in the evening and you continue to back your car back and forth in your driveway trying to line your vehicle up just so perfect. You wait just long enough for us to go inside and then voila, your car suddenly found the perfect position in which to park and then you scurry into your house. Coincidence?

“What, do you think we’re that stupid and don’t know what you’re doing?”



What are you doing? Well, you’re avoiding all of us is what, and I have to tell you that’s it very painful and hurtful to every single one of us. You’ve cut each of us to the quick, only we’re not going to tell you that, because we have to forgive you, because “You Know Not What You Do.”

Life is just too short to fret with this one as I’ve come to learn about human nature. We just have to learn to write it off and move forward, because all the involved parties are just too ‘emotionally vacant’ to comprehend the magnitude of their actions.

Don’t you understand that just a wave to us as you’re driving up to your house is just acknowledgment of you as a person – to know that you exist and are a member of the block?

Don’t you realize that a simple phone call for just a few minutes that day might be the thing that gets us over the hump and on to the next day?

Don’t you know that even an email can be a lifesaver to a drowning person? Even a coward can send an email. Did you suddenly forget how to type?

You’re supposed to be our friends and family – we’re all strung out with a cancer at its various stages and literally fighting for our very lives. Is this what decades of an invested relationship yields? Is this what it’s really all about? Has it really come down to this?

“What are the reasons for these gross shortcomings?”

Why, the oldest excuse since this ball of dust was created – “We didn’t want to bother you.”

You’re kidding me, right? That’s the most pitiful excuse in the book, if I’m being brutally honest with you. What an injustice you’re doing for both parties, but you don’t realize it. All you are succeeding at doing is laying another brick in the wall around this isolation chamber that we find ourselves entombed in.

The truth of the matter is not that ‘you did not want to bother us.’ It’s that you “Did Not Want to Be Bothered With Us.”

Now, go ahead and say it, because you know it’s true. It’s going to be okay, go ahead and clear your conscience and unburden yourself; you will feel so much better. It no longer matters to me anymore, because I ‘see how you really are.’

It’s not right by a long shot and I don’t condone, nor forgive your actions. And if you ever find yourself in our position, you might understand then how your transgressions affected the people you claimed you cared about.

Maybe you did have good intentions at the beginning, but then things started slipping away and it became much too easy to avoid the situation and in time to ignore it completely.
Unfortunately, this is the ‘ugly side’ of human nature. You can see now why I try and steer towards our brighter attributes as people. I only want to see the good sides of our nature, but I have to recognize and understand the bad side as well.

Then, I have to muster up the courage to be able to tell you about it and lay it all out there for the world to see and think about.

One other thing, keep in mind that as cancer patients we are sick most of the time. We may not be able to respond right away if you call, or we may have to schedule a visit when we’re feeling better or something. We might have to cancel a visit that we setup because circumstances suddenly changed and our world came unglued with sickness.

We’re terribly sorry, but do not give up on us. That is the worst thing that you can do to us. You must understand that you are well and we are sick. So, if we don’t answer the first phone call, then try again. If we have to cancel a get-together, okay we’ll do it another time then.

You have to be the bigger person in this case and not hold a grudge, because many times we can’t help how we are feeling or what pains, sickness or side effects we are dealing with at any given moment of our days, evenings, or night. Just be patient with us. Just be our friends. Just be our family. That’s not asking too much, is it?

Or is it?

-Craig

Nana b said:

We all come from different
We all come from different walks of life and are brought up differently. Someone's Shun, is sometimes their coping mechanism.

I don't stand up for rudeness, just another insight. Don't get your feelings hurt, it's not that important, we have bigger fish to fry.

I don't know Raquel
I think the fish should be steamed, not fried!
You make a good point, what may seem like a shun may just be their being uncomfortable with illness.
I've rarely wasted too much of anything on that, people are either OK with it or not. It's their issue, not mine.