Help for Brother

Options
marie_7
marie_7 Member Posts: 3
in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hello to Everyone,


I would like to ask if anyone can help me with my dear brother who was diagnosed last August (2010) with Stage IV colon cancer at 50. He had 2 surgeries - one to remove some small lesions on the lungs and the second to remove a large tumor near the rectum (he came away from that with a permanent colostomy).

He had to quit his job as a self-emplyed sheetrocker and come back to his native state and move in with our elderly mother for insurance and family support. Around the same time, he had to put down his dog of 19 years, his only real, true companion.

He is now adrift. He has refused counseling and all his friends from his previous lifestyle have abondoned him, or vice versa, hard to tell. He watches TV in a small room for much of his day and is very reluctant to to talk even with us, his family members, about his situation.

He is currently on his second round of chemo - since September! This seems to be keeping his CEA levels down to where his doctor is happy with, but we can all see him beginning to weaken. He was incredibly robust for years, and was very strong prior to this, which may explain why he has been able to endure the chemo for so long without breaking down before now.

My mother is of course, having great difficulty dealing with all of this and has health issues of her own, which I know, he feels somewhat responsible for (and guilty about).

I am at a loss as how to help him. I have mentioned counseling, and I even tried get him counseling via the phone, but he's not interested and, understandably, they will not call without his consent. I have 2 other siblings in the area and we have had some limited success taking him on day trips here and there, but by and large he is alone and extremely isolated. Is there anything else I can do??

I apologize for the length of this post but I felt the background here was necessary. If anyone has ANY advice, I am all ears.

Gratefully,

Marie

Comments

  • pepebcn
    pepebcn Member Posts: 6,331 Member
    #2
    Options
    Hi Marie , feel so sorry for your brother issues .
    You said he is doing veri well with chemo , also that he is on chemo since September (2010 I assume ), but the question is how is he doing with his cancer? did he normalized his CEA? ( less than 5) are it's scans clear? .Is he still having active disease ?.Since you say he is beginning to weaken
    a rest of chemo if everything is under control ,would help him in many senses, it will help to his body and weakness but also to his mind as soon he starts to feel better and stronger, don't you can to speak to his oncologist about this?.Well... sorry but for the moment that's the only thing that comes to my mind in order to help you in your worry.
    Have a big hug, and sorry for my English!.
    Pepe.
    Barcelona.
  • thingy45
    thingy45 Member Posts: 632 Member
    #3
    Options
    pepebcn said:

    Hi Marie , feel so sorry for your brother issues .
    You said he is doing veri well with chemo , also that he is on chemo since September (2010 I assume ), but the question is how is he doing with his cancer? did he normalized his CEA? ( less than 5) are it's scans clear? .Is he still having active disease ?.Since you say he is beginning to weaken
    a rest of chemo if everything is under control ,would help him in many senses, it will help to his body and weakness but also to his mind as soon he starts to feel better and stronger, don't you can to speak to his oncologist about this?.Well... sorry but for the moment that's the only thing that comes to my mind in order to help you in your worry.
    Have a big hug, and sorry for my English!.
    Pepe.
    Barcelona.

    Hi Marie,
    So sorry to hear
    Hi Marie,

    So sorry to hear about your brother. Ofcourse all this has affected him enormously. The loss of a beloved pet is a big loss also. Maybe, I say maybe, if you can get him to an animal shelter his interest Might peek to take on an quiet older dog? That will give him a companion and something to do and take for short walks.
    Just a thought.
    hugs, Marjan
  • tommycat
    tommycat Member Posts: 790 Member
    #4
    Options
    You are a good and caring
    You are a good and caring sister to reach out for him....I like the idea of maybe getting another pet for him....some people can relate better to animals than people and maybe he would find a dog a source of great comfort.
    Also, is anyone going with him to the treatments? Sometimes it's nice to have someone there, quietly reading or whatever....a silent companion.
    Thinking of you~
  • marie_7
    marie_7 Member Posts: 3
    #5
    Options
    tommycat said:

    You are a good and caring
    You are a good and caring sister to reach out for him....I like the idea of maybe getting another pet for him....some people can relate better to animals than people and maybe he would find a dog a source of great comfort.
    Also, is anyone going with him to the treatments? Sometimes it's nice to have someone there, quietly reading or whatever....a silent companion.
    Thinking of you~

    Thank You
    Thank you for your kind thoughts and suggestions.

    It is possible that it is indeed time for him to take a break form chemo now. His last scan (about a month ago) indicated some (small) growth in the lung area, but liver lesions and colon area showed no growth, and CEA is low. I don't know how the doc will respond to stopping the chemo. His last recommendation was to "keep hammering away" at it.

    As for getting a new (or even old, as you suggest) dog - it is the one thing we had all hoped he would be interested in, but no. He has voiced concern that he will not be able to walk it or care for it when he is sick from chemo. I would be happy to step in at those times and walk/feed him, yet I am reluctant to try and persuade him to do something he doesn't seem to want to do.

    As for going with him to chemo, yes, I agree, it is good to have someone along. I was taking him for the first 4 months, and then in January he began going alone at his request.

    I may work on the dog again, though.

    And many thanks,

    Marie
  • joemetz
    joemetz Member Posts: 493
    #6
    Options
    marie_7 said:

    Thank You
    Thank you for your kind thoughts and suggestions.

    It is possible that it is indeed time for him to take a break form chemo now. His last scan (about a month ago) indicated some (small) growth in the lung area, but liver lesions and colon area showed no growth, and CEA is low. I don't know how the doc will respond to stopping the chemo. His last recommendation was to "keep hammering away" at it.

    As for getting a new (or even old, as you suggest) dog - it is the one thing we had all hoped he would be interested in, but no. He has voiced concern that he will not be able to walk it or care for it when he is sick from chemo. I would be happy to step in at those times and walk/feed him, yet I am reluctant to try and persuade him to do something he doesn't seem to want to do.

    As for going with him to chemo, yes, I agree, it is good to have someone along. I was taking him for the first 4 months, and then in January he began going alone at his request.

    I may work on the dog again, though.

    And many thanks,

    Marie

    a few suggestions

    My heart goes out to you and to your brother. sick and lonely is a bad thing, but there is LOVE in your family... he just might not be "feeling it" right now.

    so that leads me to ways for him to know that he is loved. The question might be... how do we communicate our care with him?

    if you look within the discussion board, there is a string going on where someone asked "What are the things you like or that made you happy".

    the question is direccted at chemo patients in this colon cancer section.

    - Letters, Cards and simple text messages before, DURING or after chemo treatments.
    Just telling the person that you care.

    - A "CARE LETTER" from you to him. Maybe share that you reached out to find out how to help him... because he IS your brother and that he IS loved. Maybe the chemo and everything else is pulling on him so much, that he hasn't taken time lately to step back and realize that he's loved and there are many good things in his life.
    and, maybe others in your family would follow the same idea.

    - In my area there is a pet group where dogs are placed in homes, until someone adobts them. http://www.plannedpethood.org Not sure if there's such a thing in your area, but maybe it would be an idea to look into. It's helps a dog stay alive longer until someone adopts them... and if you get a "good dog that fits" you can adopt him if all is right.

    lastly, you ARE doing the right thing.
    You care for your brother and he needs to know how much you care.

    good luck.

    I hope he realizes the goodness that is right next to him.

    my best

    Joe
  • Patteee
    Patteee Member Posts: 945
    #7
    Options
    I would say to basically not
    I would say to basically not give up. I went to my chemo alone- and trust me, that was my choice. I never really "talked" to anyone about the cancer. I am sure my family would have welcomed the conversation- but they were smart to just leave me alone with it. It was a year after dx'd that I reached out by joining this board.
    Some of the things that helped me- my own elderly mother made the 3 hour drive to me quite often. She came and cleaned, did my laundry- we watched episode after episode of "Desperate Housewives". My sisters, also a distance away, would come and relieve her- cook, shop- we would go for little drives to the store, get garden plants, go up and look at the new high school. It helped to shower and put on clean clothes everyday. Mom would come in and say, "I washed those blue shorts and yellow shirt you love so much and they SMELL wonderful. And do try that new body bath in the tub I got yesterday....." now how could I refuse tha? While I was showering she would quickly strip my bed and remake it- and that was wayyyyyyyyyyy wonderful. I spent a lot of time in bed- was dizzy and weak- and vvery little time in conversation- but the little touches and warmth of my family helped GREATLY.

    Also think about a kitten for your brother. Oh my gosh, the cutiness and how they meow with their little bitty mouths- it will surely bring a smile to his face. And really so easy to care for!
  • marie_7
    marie_7 Member Posts: 3
    #8
    Options
    Patteee said:

    I would say to basically not
    I would say to basically not give up. I went to my chemo alone- and trust me, that was my choice. I never really "talked" to anyone about the cancer. I am sure my family would have welcomed the conversation- but they were smart to just leave me alone with it. It was a year after dx'd that I reached out by joining this board.
    Some of the things that helped me- my own elderly mother made the 3 hour drive to me quite often. She came and cleaned, did my laundry- we watched episode after episode of "Desperate Housewives". My sisters, also a distance away, would come and relieve her- cook, shop- we would go for little drives to the store, get garden plants, go up and look at the new high school. It helped to shower and put on clean clothes everyday. Mom would come in and say, "I washed those blue shorts and yellow shirt you love so much and they SMELL wonderful. And do try that new body bath in the tub I got yesterday....." now how could I refuse tha? While I was showering she would quickly strip my bed and remake it- and that was wayyyyyyyyyyy wonderful. I spent a lot of time in bed- was dizzy and weak- and vvery little time in conversation- but the little touches and warmth of my family helped GREATLY.

    Also think about a kitten for your brother. Oh my gosh, the cutiness and how they meow with their little bitty mouths- it will surely bring a smile to his face. And really so easy to care for!

    Thanks
    Thanks for these valuable suggestions, Patteee and Joe.

    I am thinking about the letter/card approach and, Patteee, I actually have thought about a kitten. He was such a dog person, but, you know, maybe...

    Sadly for my brother, he is not a computer user at all. I know if he could connect with this wonderful community he would not feel as alone. The supportive community here is amazing. Really, God Bless You All. You are all an inspiration to me.

    Many thanks.
  • Buckwirth
    Buckwirth Member Posts: 1,258 Member
    #9
    Options
    marie_7 said:

    Thanks
    Thanks for these valuable suggestions, Patteee and Joe.

    I am thinking about the letter/card approach and, Patteee, I actually have thought about a kitten. He was such a dog person, but, you know, maybe...

    Sadly for my brother, he is not a computer user at all. I know if he could connect with this wonderful community he would not feel as alone. The supportive community here is amazing. Really, God Bless You All. You are all an inspiration to me.

    Many thanks.

    Some Random Thoughts
    On pets:

    1. This is not a decision to be taken lightly. Someone, other than your brother, needs to make the commitment to care for the animal through its natural life

    2. Make the decision for him. Even under the best of circumstances there is a degree of guilt in replacing a long term companion. He may be saying no, but once it is in his life the odds are he will bond. In case he does not, see #1

    3. Cat or dog? A dog will get him out of the house, walks, the dog park, camping are all things you cannot do with a cat. Otoh, a cat might be more appropriate if you are taking your mom into consideration. Pattee is correct in saying they are deathly cute and require a minimum of care

    4. Back to number one; if you are the one who will take over care of this animal if/when the time comes, which would you prefer? Whomever that person is their preference needs to be taken into account

Discussion Boards