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Abandonment of friends?

Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

I really am going through an anger phase. Not rage but just anger over certain things I've been dealing with sense my mom passed in Dec. The reason I'm posting on the Emotional Support Board is maybe a few can shed light on one issues that is really irritating me.

What the heck is up with the so called friends that seemed to run for the hills within 24 hours after my mom passed? Is this normal behavior? I had friends that pulled back while I was providing care for mom at home but I predicted that would happen with some. People have a hard time dealing with the dying. I get that.

I'm talking about the ones who called periodically to say if there is anything that was needed let them know and in the back of my mind I always said they were pulling my leg with that call knowing I'd never ask. These were the ones that would show up every two weeks to visit with mom and be real figidity the entire visit then leave real quick. I don't know what it was but with some I felt it was fake. That they either were there out of fascination or to later brag they'd come to visit but either way it was more about them then it was about mom.

So flash fwd mom dies and boom all these so called really concerned people disappeared quicker then a snap of fingers. I actually ran into one female friend at Walmart yesterday and she tried to avoid me. I hadn't talked to her sense moms funeral. She knew many of my fears before mom passed and she vowed she'd be there for me and I would have nothing to fear. She blew me off so fast I'm surprised she even remembers my name at this point and it's only been 2 months. She seemed nervous around me. I wasn't stupid it was guilt. The conversation was so odd. It was as if moms death had never happened. She talked to me as if she hadn't seen me for a year or so and wanted to know all the things going on in my life but didn't really want to even be in the conversation.

If someone does call they will always say.. so and so was aking about you and I wonder why doesn't so and so call and ask? I hate that question.. "how are you doing?" but thats not a requirement. A simple hello would have been nice. Now at this point I'd make an excuse if they called and tell them I'm busy I can't talk right now.

I've learned so much in this loss. The level of compassion I have for those who lose a loved one is off the charts now. I want to just hold them so tight knowing how unbearable it all is. I could never say some of the stupid things that have been said to me nor would I display some of the oddest behavior I've received.

So many changes to deal with. This brand new life with a complete identity change since you lose the one that you've cared for your entire life but also the realization that some of those you called friends were very fair weathered and that out of respect for myself I'd never allow them back into my life or an even harsher reality that they weren't really friends. Just ambulance type chasers wanting to gawk at the horror of death at my expense and feed me a bunch of lies about being there later on. I just couldn't do that to someone.

anliperez915's picture
Posts: 772
Joined: Sep 2011

Hi cosmic me, just wanted to say that you nailed it! You practically said everything that people do and its funny (not) but people do that to me now! Man I haven't even passed to a better life but you know what I rather know now who really cares than later when I'm not here! Take care of yourself and trust me your better off without those types of people! Thank you for speaking your mind!!!


jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hello Cosmic_Me,

I understand your pain and anger here. Both sides of it are very
human. Part of it is the culture/society in which we've grown up.
I've been through similar experiences with "friends" in the past.
I don't hate them - I just realize they're human. I just moved on
and hopefully have made new friends who are a little more than human
along the way.

I know it's painful.

Sending warm hugs and positive thoughts on your recovery
from these very difficult times.


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