Feeling better already

Hello All,

Have been reading the board for the last 4 hours. Inspirational, thank you. Just registered and before I go to bed (It is 2.30am where I am) I wanted to introduce myself.

Strange entry into the cancer-world for me. 43 years old. Smoker, heavy drinker, HPV-. Had swelling on the left side of my neck on and off over 5 years or so. Went to many doctors before one took me seriously and gave me an MRI. They said I had a benign tumor in my salivary gland which I should have taken out before it grew. (I now wonder how you can see if a tumor is benign or not by looking at MRI).

Saw 2 ENT specialists. Both said they would operate. Both didn't like the 'look' of my left tonsil. Neither thought of 'biopsy' or 'cancer'. Both agreed with MRI diagnosis.

Had operation Feb 2011. Took my left tonsil and 3 'infected-looking' lymph nodes on the left side of neck. Doctor found no growth in saliva gland. Just the dodgy lymph nodes. Still no talk of cancer.

2 weeks later (no-one really in a rush!) and biopsy came through. Doctor genuinely surprised.
Tonsil cancer with meta. to 3 lymph nodes.

35 days IMRT, 7 days cisplatine. No peg, just porta-cath. Supported treatment well. Only real major pain was a necrosis which began at the back of my throat as a tiny white spot and over 3months carved a large, painful hole in the back of my throat which still hurts. I wanted to see if anyone else had similar. Haven't found a thread yet.

Finished treatment June 2011.

August and PET scan showed 5 'suspicious' points on left-side of neck. Selective neck-dissection in September removing 20 nodes returned negative result. Never been so happy to have unecessary, painful surgery!

Main problem I have is lack of any support structure. I live in a foreign country. I have had no contact (apart from hospital) with any other cancer sufferers and recently have been sinking lower and lower into a depression even though I should be feeling wonderful. When they said my cancer sites have been sterilised and that I am officially in remission I was kind of expecting to feel, Idk, good? Ecstatic? Hug my wife and children and embrace life anew? No. I feel empty and not at all grateful for a second chance. I don't have this daily joy born of a recent brush with mortality. Almost paralysed with 'what just happened?'

Finding this site and boring everyone senseless with a really long post has really helped hugely however. Reading posts on flouride trays has fascinated me in a way that just isn't natural! I love it and thank you all for your contributions.

I will be back.
Larry