Hard to watch

Sundanceh said:

I'm Just So Sorry, Brenda:(
Dear Brenda,

You are breaking my heart this evening...I've been reading all of the recurrence stories and brooding over cancer and how personal it is getting with my friends...and then I see your story and said to myself, "I can't wait anymore - I want Brenda to see some of the caregiver writings I did in 2 separate chapters.

I'm at a loss right now, but I looked through and "cherry picked" a couple of excerpts out of each of the caregiver chapters - I have little to offer you, but I willingly give you this...my book may never see the time of day and I feel I need YOU to have this right now...tonight!

With love, sorrow and admiration...Craig



(Excerpts from the Caregiver Chapter)

“What is a caregiver?”

Merriam-Webster defines a caregiver as, a person who provides direct care for children, the elderly and the chronically ill.

They are the first ones in line to stand by our sides when we are just starting out. They are the last ones in line if we end up approaching an end-of-life scenario. They will be the “Last of the Mohicans” left standing when it’s time to pick up the pieces of their lives, when all is said and done and the tears have stopped.

“Remember the words we promised each other in our wedding vows – In Sickness and In Health?”

“They were just words back then, right?”

None of us ever really thought we would have to ‘cash in that chip’ and actually have to take on that kind of responsibility when we said “I Do”.

We were young and healthy then with our whole lives stretched out in front of us. So when the minister uttered that phrase during the ceremony, we happily nodded our heads in agreement and hoped that this day would never come.

“But, it did come, didn’t it?”

Just like that, the life that we thought we knew was gone forever with those three little words from the opening chapter. Like actors in a play, we now had to learn new roles that would reinvent our relationship as we suddenly became the “Understudies of our own Lives”, now thrust into the spotlight and having to carry on with the show with such short notice.

I’m reminded of an excerpt of a quote from the immortal William Shakespeare, “All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players…”

I think that’s very apropos when we are talking about this particular story-line. All of our roles were clearly defined, or so we thought, and then whammy, “Cancer Upset the Apple Cart” and our lives came crashing to the ground. What we are suddenly confronted with in its wake, is role reversal.


(Excerpts from End of Life Chapter)

I think that the caregiver role must be extremely difficult to handle for many reasons. To begin with, the first rule of thumb is that the caregiver now looks at their partners and begins to envision a life without them for the very first time.

That’s a lot to chew on with the first bite and can be very disconcerting for us to come to grips with. A lot of us have families with children and you’re left thinking to yourself how are you going to do this without my soul mate?

These are sobering thoughts to have to contemplate. There’s a part of your brain trying not to think about it, but then there’s that corner of the mind that just can’t help thinking about it either.

These are not morbid thoughts; rather they are just human nature. You can’t help but stare down the road at a possible reality and acknowledge what could be your situation. It may not happen of course, but this is just part of your survival mechanism that is tapping into your subconscious and ‘acting out’ on you.

Please do not beat yourself up over this. It does not mean that you have given up or are thinking the worse. It’s the survivor mode mentality that we talked about earlier, and let’s face it, SURVIVAL is the strongest instinct that we have going for us.

It’s only normal for any of us to have those thoughts about “What’s Next After This?”

I think that some of the most difficult time for a caregiver is when our partner is in the hospital and when they first come home from the hospital. These are two critical junctures on the Caregiver Road.

When we are laid up in the hospital looks to be the hardest time of all for the caregiver.

you’re spending a great deal of time going down to the hospital to be with your partner and help attend to some of their needs. As the days roll by, you start to get sleep deprived and become exhausted.

BREAK


We’ve been taught all of our lives that there is a ‘fix’ for everything and we’re not going to take ‘no’ for an answer. But, sometimes in this ol’ life, there is just not an answer or a fix for every single situation, especially when it comes to dealing with cancer.

We’ve got to be able to understand this concept at some point and begin to come to terms with the ideal of the “Journey Towards Acceptance” as the last frontier on our wondrous journeys.

BREAK

We carefully construct our lives around the people we care about, so the thought of suddenly not seeing them in it, resonates inside of us that sense of fear and dread of the thoughts, "What Am I Going to Do Without Them – How Am I Going to Go on Without Them?”

While we have witnessed death in our lives and understand the rudimentary concept that we are all going to go some day, we have not personally experienced it ourselves. And that’s where all of the fear and trepidation come from.

The death portion of our lives, in and of itself, is scary enough. With cancer though, I believe the thoughts and fear of dying from the disease bring forth the feeling of knowing that our time may grow nearer and have a more definitive conclusion than we originally anticipated.

And that’s a pretty big gulp for any of us to contemplate.

We started this chapter with the question of ‘when to say when?’ And as I try and close out this chapter, I’m still asking myself the other relevant question.

“What does it mean to live and die with cancer?”

I’m hoping that through the writings in this book that I’ve been able to answer that question and to also offer another perspective on the cancer experience that will help you think about cancer in different ways than you ever have before.

I know I’ve learned a great deal by watching my fallen comrades and how they conducted themselves in their final days. They passed the torch down to me and there will come a day when I must pass it on to the next generation of cancer fighters.

That’s just the cycle of life and as I grow older by the day, I see a point off on the horizon, where I will fade into the background of anomynity in this world, but hopefully not too far from the hearts and minds of all the friends of mine that I’ve tried so hard to touch on my journey with cancer.

Let us all fight on with the strength, courage, conviction and tenacity that is ever present in us all, and if our number does happen to come up, then we will prepare ourselves accordingly.

But, until that time comes – we fight – and we fight hard with everything that we have to give. Our game plans are simple – we play for keeps today and we will think about tomorrow – well, when tomorrow comes, of course.

END