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Sometimes I hate my body!

Posts: 28
Joined: Oct 2011

.....like this morning. I never know from day to day how my innards are going to behave. Some days it's not so bad, other days I could just cry.
The biggest issue is lack of control and "leakage". It just makes me feel dirty and disgusting and I don't know how to handle it.
Cleaning and washing only last so long; the worst part is that sometimes I'm not even aware of what has happened until I go to the bathroom for a routine visit.

Is this normal? My surgeon said that it will take at least 6-12 months for complete healing and possible return of muscle control. What makes it tough is that I am a 'clean freak' and it's hard to stay clean like I used to. Protection is a problem, too. I almost wish someone would invent a 'butt plug' to deal with these issues.

Am I alone here or does anyone else experience this??


mp327's picture
Posts: 4383
Joined: Jan 2010

What you're dealing with is not uncommon. You've heard the saying "Never trust a fart." Boy, am I ever a believer in that! I'm happy to say that I am past the point of having any leakage or lack of control, but I do still deal with urgency at 39 months post-treatment. I know when I have to go and there's no delaying it. I can relate to the cleanliness issue. There is nothing more irritating to me than to have just taken a nice shower, then having to go 10 minutes later. What your surgeon told you is true, at least it has been in my case. Even at the 6-month mark, I was still having an accident now and then, but things continued to improve. I would say you can expect things to be MUCH better at the 1-year mark and at 2 years, even better. I know that sounds like a long way off right now, but it will go faster than you think. Hang in there!

Posts: 481
Joined: Mar 2011

I have just within the last 6 months not had a leakage issue. Prior to that I had occasional leakage issues particularly after a bowel movement. I would sometimes feel the need to use tissue several times during the day. This has mainly subsided-Thank God!!! Like you I am a clean freak and felt "dirty" a lot of the time. Hang in there. It will get better.

Posts: 80
Joined: Jun 2010

I am 2 and 1/4 years out from treatment and still have challenges. Every once in a while I still don't make it to the bathroom, but it has gotten less. It is humiliating when it happens. I wear panty-liners all the time,which helps alot and saves the underwear! I finally realized that I, and my friends, have to love me for who I am unconditionally, and that helps.

Just know that things will get better for you. Hugs to you.

RoseC's picture
Posts: 559
Joined: Jun 2011

It lasted about a year for me. I guess I was pretty lucky, because I only had minor leakage. I did butt clenching exercises and I think they helped gain back the muscle control.

AZANNIE's picture
Posts: 443
Joined: Mar 2011

Like your "butt plug" idea! It does get better. I'm almost 6 months post treatment, but I wear disposable briefs when I'm away from home just in case. And yes, there were times, I didn't know that I had gone until I visited the bathroom.


Posts: 28
Joined: Oct 2011

What a relief just to read some of your responses! It makes me feel so much better knowing that I'm not just a solitary freak with bathroom issues!
After all, this is not something that one would want to discuss in polite society or even to write Dear Abby about. Unless you have dealt with it, you could never understand.

After treatment I ended up in the hospital and even there I encountered problems with diarrhea. One morning I was perched on the throne and who comes into my room but my oncologist on morning rounds? I couldn't get up, and he was on a tight schedule, so we had our discussion in our respective places. Now this would be something you all could relate to, too!

My surgeon did recommend that I start taking Metamucil capsules, gradually increasing the dosage to what I can tolerate. He said that would 'bulk' things up and might help, so I am starting those. I'll try anything at this point.

Trust me, I feel so much better just knowing that I have company. Thank you all.

Posts: 95
Joined: Sep 2011

Although its been 15 months since I finished treatment, I still have 'leakage' issues. I know mine could be because my cancer is recurrent so still dealing with many issues. But I've worn panty liners all along. I also take sitz baths (with Aveeno oatmeal bath pdr) once or twice a day. It helps me feel cleaner along with helping the 'pains in the butt'!!
I don't go out too often, or for very long at a time. I try working but its 1-2 days at 3-4 hrs. Can never be sure if/when I'm gonna have 'issues'.
I told Santa all I want for Christmas is a new body!! (I'd even be happy with just a new bottom!!) haha!!

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