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I don't think that I can do this......

ddpekks's picture
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

We just went through the worst year of our life, fighting and winning against colorectal cancer. We only had one more week of chemo, beginning today. After this we were ready to move on with our “new normal”, live our lives out the way we should. All the doctors were optimistic that he had won the war because he opted to have resection, perm colostomy, rectal removal and aggressive chemo/radiation. We were so excited that we planned an after chemo party for next weekend to celebrate.

Last Monday he went for a PET.

Today we got the results.

The colon cancer looks good, but he has liver, lung and prostate cancer.

I don’t think I can do this. Oh, I can be the good wife, I can be an excellent caregiver, I can do all the physical aspects of being the loving, caring partner. But I can’t watch him go through this. I can’t stand the physical pain he feels, the hurt in his eyes, the fear in his voice, the agony of it all. I want to run. I want to scream. I want to walk away from it all.

He is 71 and I am 61.....but I refuse to believe that we are old enough, that we've lived a while, that it's time to move on, make way for the young ones. We need more time. And I don't see that time is on our side............Dear God, I am so angry right now and I can't get it out.....I can't bury it........I can't control it.... Please help me because I can't stand the hurt.


Posts: 160
Joined: Mar 2011

My heart broke for you when I read this. I am so sorry for the bad reports that you received. So many of us have felt what you are feeling now. You will get through what
is next by taking it day by day. I think that should be the motto of caregivers, just
"day by day". When I think my hubby can't possibly pull through another treatment or
procedure, or even that I can't possibly stand any more, he bounces back. The treatments
have been awful for him,but as long as they are treating him, he has a chance. I believe
one of the worse things for me is not knowing what to expect next. I am sure that is one of the things bothering you now. Take hope and know that there are plenty on this site that will be thinking of you. Brenda

Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

Today is today. We get through today. I pray the love and stregnth of God overshadow you. Tomorrow new mercies. You are in my prayers. I know that it is painful. I hate cancer!!!! but we are here to help you get through it. I pray for your husband as well. He needs you! and all the Love you have inside of you. We all will get through it.

ddpekks's picture
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

Brenda & Jackie. I know what you are saying and have been saying the same things to others for a while now. Guess when I heard it at my home, I just lost it. Don had gone to bed, just exhausted mentally and physically from the day. I posted my rant, turned off my computer, lost all control and went way out on the dock and let it fly. I think my neighbors probably thought a gator was killing a hound dog or something.

The mental pain is so intense, the shock hasn't worn off, the unknown is so blasted scarry....but I'm putting one foot in front of the other. I'm going through the motions of life, till further notice.


jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Deb,

I'm so sorry you didn't get good news regarding the PET scan.

I'm so sick of cancer (can't believe I chose that word but I guess
it's appropriate)!

Maybe you guys can do something nice and take a short break from
cancer and "recharge" before you resume the war with the next battle.

I'm "frackin'" angry too. You know we're here for you.

Big hugs,


Cancer Sucks

ddpekks's picture
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks. Read my post to Brenda & Jackie.....kinda sums it up for now. I came to work today, Don wanted me to. He's working on financial papers for supplementing the co-pay for each treatment, which is supposed to be in the high thousands, per treatment. I mean the co-pay alone. I wanted to stay home and help him with it, but he insisted. Said he needed something to work on, needed both of us to move forward, one step at a time. So,
I'm here at work.........a useless cancer hater today!

Love you all....

LivinginNH's picture
Posts: 1456
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Deb, I'm so sorry to hear this news, I know that it's devastating for you both. You had posted on the other board about what to expect from Avastin, so I'll give you Rick's experience. Every Monday morning he goes in for blood tests, then, if the blood count is ok, they hook him up to the chemo for about 5-6 hours. Then he gets sent home with the pump attached to the port. The nurse comes out around 1:00 on Wednesday to remove the pump. He feels the worst on Wednesday, but he improves slowly from there and feels pretty good by Sunday. His GI doctor recommended taking a cap full of Miralax every night, and that helps with cramping.

Best wishes to you both, Cynthia

Posts: 306
Joined: Jan 2010

I share your frustration. Just keep moving forward best you can. No words of wisdom from me. Just letting you know you're not alone.


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