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Round two...

JesseK's picture
JesseK
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

Monday will be round two of AVBD and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm having trouble coming up with what to say right now.... I'm just not excited about it. Yesterday was the first real day I felt close like my normal self...4 days later, here we go again. I guess I feel like "poor me" right now. It's been hard wrapping my head around the fact that I feel that way. It's not like me. The fact that I do feel that way often is coming out sideways with my family...anger, isolation, withdrawal. I'm hoping as time goes on that will lesson. I just needed to vent, thanks for listening.

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3184
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Jesse,
I understand what you are feeling. I can close my eyes and remember back to my 2nd round and I felt exactly the same way. I was totally caught off guard with not feeling like my old self. My hair thinned out, skin got dry, and some days I would look at myself in the mirror and cringe, thinking.."where did the old me go"? I had chemo every 21 days and just about the the time I was feeling somewhat normal, it would be time to go back in and get it done again...soooo frustrating! The prednisone in my chemo really did a number on me, mentally and physically. I know it's hard to believe right now,but it will get better Jesse. You will probably have to adjust to a new kind of normal...it just kind of happens after all of the chemo. Dec 14th will mark my one year out from getting my chemo, and I'm still not 100% back with my energy...maybe 60%, but thats about it. You might want to run your feelings by your Onc and see if he/she has some suggestions...maybe a mild med for anxiety. Hang in there friend and remember we are always here for you. Chemo is no fun, but the reward of remission/stable will make it worth doing. Sending good thoughts your way...Sue
(FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Jesse,

What you are going through is completely normal. Your world has been
turned upside down and you're currently processing all that has happened
to you. Fear, anxiety, anger, irritability and self pity are all
very human responses. You are "working through" this and that is part of it.
So, first of all, forgive yourself for being human.

By the third round, the chemo anxiety should get better as it becomes
more routine and you know what to expect. For me, the steroids (prednisone)
maybe was the worst of it. I couldn't sleep, ate like a pig, road an
emotional roller coaster and was quite "witchy" at times.
My treatment protocol required me being in the hospital for 5 days and 4
nights. Though I can say the staff and "accommodations" were very good
overall, I felt confined and not in control - two things I despise.

I decided to try to "work with" the situation rather than fight it.
I started taking walks to get out of my "cell" dragging the IV pole with me.
I went everywhere I was allowed. The walking also helped with the
constipation that comes with the chemo (joy joy) :). As I walked around,
I saw many patients who were much worse off and couldn't get out of bed -
that put the "pity party" on a low flame and made me realize how thankful
I should be - even in these bad circumstances.

There are some situations you can expect/predict and try to work with
ahead of time and feel a little more in control. For example, you are
probably going to lose your hair. Maybe you can get your wife and children
involved in finding/making some silly hats for daddy to wear. In fact,
maybe they can find/make some for themselves and join daddy in the "goofy hat
parade" and feel like they are more a part of what's going on.

Anyway, you will get through this and be a stronger person as a result.
You have many caring people here available for support for you and your
beautiful family. Come here anytime to vent, rant, rave, cry,
laugh (yes we do laugh), and share in general. We love good stories too.
A positive attitude and humor are free weapons in this battle :).

Just remember, you guys are not alone.

Hugs and warm thoughts,

Jim

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