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Twilight Zone

Posts: 38
Joined: May 2011

The nurse said you need to call hospice, it's coming and it is going to be quick. Well that was four weeks ago, that is not my definition of quick. She went into psychiatric distress for three days, which was a nightmare for both of us. Thank God for a great nurse, we have changed medication and that is helping. Watching someone you love die is hard enough without watching them go through terrible panic and distress and not really be able to verbalize it, or being able to do anything for them. She is resting more comfortably now, so life is better, we are just waiting for the inevitable.
Everyone tells me what a great job I am doing in taking care of her, well isn't that what you are supposed to do for someone you love? Really sometimes I just don't get people, and I know they don't know what to say in this situation but if one more person asks me how is she doing, I swear I gonna say " she is dying dumb ***, how do you think she is doing". :) Working my way through this with the help of great friends, who I appreciate more than they will ever know.
Thanks for letting me vent. I hope you all have a Blessed Day!!!

ddpekks's picture
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

That is a wonderful thing. I pray that you both find a little bit of peace as you make this journey.

Come here and talk it through as often as you feel like it. I'm like some of your dumb a$$ friends :) and don't know the right thing to say but I'm sure willing to listen.

Take care of yourself while you are taking care of her. My prayers are for both of you.


LilChemoSmoker's picture
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

For most people it is an awkward moment when you are searching your brain for the words you feel. They truly feel a loss of words that feel appropriate or sincere. It isn't for a lack of caring or love, just simply a lack of experience. It is not something you come up against on a regular basis, or at least often enough to gain a comfort level. I found a great read on this topic. I will share the link below. Hope it helps in understanding. I too, will say prayers that this time for both of you goes as smoothly as possible and that you may find peace in others attempts at interaction.



Posts: 38
Joined: May 2011

Thanks so much for the article, I think I will email it to friends:) Thank you also for the prayers, they help tremendously. :)

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I think believing that most people meant well and a sense of humor is what got us through the final weeks of my husband's cancer and life. I even had a retired pastor ask me how me how he was doing and then catching her own mistake. So even those who know better and have dealt with death many times often don't know what to say. Sometimes Doug and I would look at each other and that unsaid, "Did they really just say that," would pass between us. Later we could even laugh at some of the more outrageous things people said. One even told my husband that at least he had had a good, full life. Like that helped? We get tired of some of the things people say, but they resort to them because they really don't know what to say. After my husband passed away, I came to hate the phrase, "I'm sorry for your loss." Yet I now catch myself saying the same thing to others. I often don't know what else to say. I do try now to be more personal, but sometimes it just comes out. Hang in there. Know that the hugs and prayers of many here are with you. Fay

Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

I remember going through those stages. The hospice nurse told us 10 days. Then, when the 10 days went by, then another week... and another...I started to feel like I was wishing my mom would go ahead and close her eyes. It was eminent that she would soon. She was in so much pain...It was agonizing to watch her, and wonder if she would go if we left the house. Anyway, people came over to ask what could they do...can she hear...how is she...I even had a lady to come over and try to pray my mom back to life...finally, I stopped her. I said, it is okay. She has made peace...she is saved...She does not need to repeat the sinners prayer anymore! Come on. I get this now, when people see my husband and try to make him eat, or do something that they think I need to do....PEOPLE STOP! I know that they are just trying to help. Truly understand...

KLScoville's picture
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

As I write this I watch my husband Mark on his blow up mattress in the living room doing the exact same thing. Slowly dying...I am thankful for "One more day" with my husband but hate the fact that he is in so much pain and having distress. I tell him constantly that I love hime and to "let go" and "go home" but he is hanging on...why is he hanging on? He was always a stubborn man so that may be it. I thank the Lord out loud that he answered my prayers and per His will gave me the love of my life. Now I ask out loud to take him home to watch over me during my remainder years of my life. But of course this will happen in His time.

I also completely agree with the fact that people need to stop telling me that "he needs to eat". No, he can't, he is dying and this is part of the process. I can't force him! The only thing that I can do for him is to keep him as comfortable as possible...that's it, nothing more, nothing less (if I do less, he would be in horrid pain). I also am respecting his wishes, he wants to die at home, not at the hospice house, not in a hospital, at home.

God bless and thanks for letting me vent also!

Take care!

NayPaul's picture
Posts: 230
Joined: Oct 2010

I learned long ago that most people don't know what to say...me inc lugged. So we just roll with it. The other night on hacowen, a friend said there is no way he could do it.same age and number of kids.I told him what else would he do.when you're spouse is dying, you just do it...cry sometimes but always keep the sense of humor....the nurse today said she was surprised my wife and I were still having sex...I reminded her that it is easier for women, besides I told her I use her morphine as an aphrodisiac. Then my wife quipped,that was the only way she could stand me. ;)

Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

Well, you have to keep a sense of humor. It is so painful to watch your love one go through, but you have to keep reminding yourself that time is precious-they are precious. Cancer is viscous! I hate it! I hate what it has done to my family...yet, in all of the pain, there is a rose among the thorns, and beauty out of the ashes; we are closer (most time-except when he is grouchy). We have straightened a lot of things out. Where our marriage was on the verge of being destroyed...our marriage was rebirth. So all in all..we know we have each other- no one else, nor the past matter.

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