The Guilt of getting Cancer
So lets get to talking on MY problem that just seems to be eating away and me and that GUILT. I feel so bad for my family that I got cancer and our lives have been changed forever. Ya, I try to do what I can around the house with laundry, lite housecleaning, and doing what I can. But we lost a giant piece of our income and it affected how we live and where we live. It just kills me inside that I can no longer do what I used to do. Yes I’m happy to be alive but it’s so hard on me at time to soak all of this in. I’ve always worked one or sometimes two jobs. We had everything going for us that a family dreams of and now it’s gone. Nice savings account, a collage fund for our children, and security. Now it’s all gone and most of the time we struggle just to pay rent on time and we have to go without things that most people see as basic like even going to the movies, or on a vacation, out to dinner every so often. I feel so flipping guilty!!
Nobody told me all of this when I was dx. I thought either cancer would kill me or I’ll be okay and everything will go back to normal. I don’t remember signing up to be a cripple!!
Is anybody else going through this?
Comments
-
Don't
Don't feel guilty because you survived cancer.You are not alone facing problems with your health.I have numbness in my left leg,pain in my hips when I have to walk any distance,pain in my shoulder so bad sometimes I can't sleep.Just do what you can,and take your time to try to get back to normal.I poop all the time,but I have a permanant colostomy bag,so it's no big deal for me.Just hang in there.0 -
Being the caregiver and not
Being the caregiver and not the patient I won't pretend to understand where you are coming from but I do know what I would say to my husband if he shared similar feelings with me. "Yes our life has changed and yes I would choose the old one if given a choice but if I had the choice of less with you or more without, I would pick less every time. Now we all have to suck up what is and your guilt is making that even harder so get over it and let's move on with our lives. I love you!!!!". Lisa0 -
G'day Brooks
I had my operation for stage 3c crc in jan 98. Since then I have lost nearly all of my previous life. Constant poor health to the point where I have severe neuropathy similar to yours . I have severe auto-immune problems affecting kidneys and lungs. I have medication caused spinal issues ,I have lost 5 cm in height in two years and the base of my spine is crumbling. My wife left me and with her went my house. They tell me I am not sick so no disability pension. I still work but barely get thru the day. My capacity to work is so restricted I barely make rent,so my savings are disappearing fast. I live alone so have to do all the housework. I live on immodium and painkillers ,the methotrexate I take for the auto immune problems causes the same diarrhea as I had On chemo. I have nothing and no one to feel guilty about nor should you. Cancer is like an accident. you did not get it on purpose and what you are now is the result of what was done to save you. They constantly tell us we should just be happy to be alive and that we should just live a stress free life. We are an embarressment to the medical profession. They cannot point to us and say look what I did,it is more like ,oh dear look what I did. My surgeon would not accept my thanks for his saving me I guess he knew more than I did.
I don't know what the answer is Brooks I really don't. I am not a quitter but each year further from cancer I get the more I wish that I had not survived. I would have been happy with an epitaph of "he died after a short illness"instead of being dragged bachwards thru life with no control over what happens . Each new event has the potential to be the one that brings peace but up till now I just can't manage anything terminal. I can only wish you the best and the hope that you can improve your condition and that you can find the means to take care of your family and they they continue to stand by you.
Ron.0 -
Dear Brooks
This total picture you paint is one of the 'shadow' side effects which are no publicized. The general population sees cancer in black and while...you either have it or you don't...you either get cured or you don't...you either live or you don't. But all of us here know there is much more to the story.
You say you feel guilty for getting cancer and for letting your family down financially. You didn't ask for cancer. It just happened. The financial implications of cancer are devistating for most. Again, that is not your fault.
While you may not be able to hold down a 'regular' job,don't count yourself out of the game all together. Your disabilities may cause you to take longer to do something but count everything you can do as an accomplishment. You may not be able to give your family the material things you once dreamed of, but your survival and love are more precious.
Look to what you can do, and do it to the best of your ability. There are possibilities yet to be found that will help get your self esteem back.
Most of all, give your wife and your children hugs and kisses in abundance. Support them emotionally.
Dump the sad and bad here...we understand...and offer you what emotional support we can.
Hugs,
Marie who loves kitties0 -
my friend BrooksLovekitties said:Dear Brooks
This total picture you paint is one of the 'shadow' side effects which are no publicized. The general population sees cancer in black and while...you either have it or you don't...you either get cured or you don't...you either live or you don't. But all of us here know there is much more to the story.
You say you feel guilty for getting cancer and for letting your family down financially. You didn't ask for cancer. It just happened. The financial implications of cancer are devistating for most. Again, that is not your fault.
While you may not be able to hold down a 'regular' job,don't count yourself out of the game all together. Your disabilities may cause you to take longer to do something but count everything you can do as an accomplishment. You may not be able to give your family the material things you once dreamed of, but your survival and love are more precious.
Look to what you can do, and do it to the best of your ability. There are possibilities yet to be found that will help get your self esteem back.
Most of all, give your wife and your children hugs and kisses in abundance. Support them emotionally.
Dump the sad and bad here...we understand...and offer you what emotional support we can.
Hugs,
Marie who loves kitties
i have missed you on this board.we were dx around the same time and went thru our treatments about the same time.i too have severe neuropathy and got awarded my ss disabilty.now that i am stage 4 which i pray that will never happen to you we are faced with more medical bills and if something doesnt happen soon as far as some type of finacial help we will have to sell our home.this all just sucks and i know where you are coming from and you are not alone.please dont stay away for so long...Godbless...johnnybegood0 -
Think most of us on this
Think most of us on this Board are not the people we used to be---lingering side effects, new and unwanted bowel issues, fear and anxiety that want to take hold of our brains SO badly.
I see you have young children like me. Today is their Harvest Festival at school, and this will be the first time in two years that I've been able to go. Oct. 2009 was the big surgery, Oct. 2010 was the take-down.
So for me I feel like today is Golden.....getting to share/make memories with my family. That feeling/opportunity, my friend, cancer cannot touch. In my mind I see myself as a lion tamer with the cracking whip, snapping the cancer tigers away.
Cancer took a lot from me too.....but it cannot take away today and the moment I have right now.
Exhale....and I truly hope you find some peace and happiness today.
Keep looking up~
Your friend in California~0 -
Wishing You Peace
Hi, there... I have felt guilty at times as well. Being the wife and mom, I took care of the house (laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc) and I loved doing those things. During chemo I just couldn't. We have yet to take a real vacation because of some side effects of chemo but we will get there. I would feel guilty because I felt like I was putting a damper on my family's happy times.
I shared these feeling with my husband and he felt guilty too. He said as bad as it sounds knowing I was in pain, feeling sick, etc. he said that he knows it is selfish but he would rather have me like that then not at all.
My 13-year old daughter said that she was a teenager and even if I had been healthy she still would have been out with her friends, etc. and that she would have been doing the same thing. She was just happy I was alive.
So my friend, try not to feel guilty.
0 -
Brooks,
I am in a panic/guilty mode also. I am a single Mom with a 29, 13 and almost 11 year old girls. I was stupid and didn't buy more life insurance before diagnosis. I don't have enough to payoff my mortgage if I die. My credit cards are practically all at the limit. I barely make it from paycheck to paycheck. I am still working (thank God) but I will always have to so I have health insurance and a paycheck to make all the bills. I am on chemo for life. I was just diagnosed this year w/colon cancer stage II and now have mets to my liver (inoperable). I feel like you....I didn't ask for this; I'm all my girls have to depend on. My ex-husband (my younger girls Dad) just had his 3 1/2 year old son pass away on Monday...they buried him today. This all has not been easy and I'm sure it won't get any easier but what choice do we have? I wish I could win the lottery and make all the bills and worries go away. It's overwhelming. But I'm not ready to go yet. I have to keep pushing on until I can't push anymore. It's exhausting at times and I feel like just saying forget it but I can't give on my girls. I know it's hard....I'm right there with you. Please just hang in there. Who knows; a cure or better treatment might be right around the corner. I'm thinking of you. Hang in there.
Pam0 -
Pam...big heart hugs to youpscott1 said:Brooks,
I am in a panic/guilty mode also. I am a single Mom with a 29, 13 and almost 11 year old girls. I was stupid and didn't buy more life insurance before diagnosis. I don't have enough to payoff my mortgage if I die. My credit cards are practically all at the limit. I barely make it from paycheck to paycheck. I am still working (thank God) but I will always have to so I have health insurance and a paycheck to make all the bills. I am on chemo for life. I was just diagnosed this year w/colon cancer stage II and now have mets to my liver (inoperable). I feel like you....I didn't ask for this; I'm all my girls have to depend on. My ex-husband (my younger girls Dad) just had his 3 1/2 year old son pass away on Monday...they buried him today. This all has not been easy and I'm sure it won't get any easier but what choice do we have? I wish I could win the lottery and make all the bills and worries go away. It's overwhelming. But I'm not ready to go yet. I have to keep pushing on until I can't push anymore. It's exhausting at times and I feel like just saying forget it but I can't give on my girls. I know it's hard....I'm right there with you. Please just hang in there. Who knows; a cure or better treatment might be right around the corner. I'm thinking of you. Hang in there.
Pam
Pam...big heart hugs to you and yours......0 -
It's rough
I have to admit I have felt that way also I'm a stage 4 with multiple mets across my liver. I had a lot of depression when I got diagnosed and I still almost can't believe it. My diagnosis was in June. I am responding to chemo well but I still worry and have some depression issues. It's hard to sort out your feelings I have that problem too. I am also on disability although i am bound and determined I am going back to work. I love my job as a deputy sheriff and helping people and I am going to go back to work. It may be on a limited basis but I will be back.0 -
Love you, Brooks!
Hey, Brooks.
It hurts to think of you hurting like this. You're such a funny, sweet, loving guy.
I don't know your family, but knowing what I do about you, I imagine they're wonderful people, and I bet they're delighted to have you still around in their lives. Yes, things have changed, including you, but the love is still there.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
I'm guilty of that too
Brooks,
I hear ya loud and clear. I may not be debilitated from my treatments (which consisted of acupuncture, massage, Chinese herbs, juicing etc), but the financial toll that it took on my family having to pay for every last tincture and needle poke out of my own pocket--or should I say--out of my own plastic. Everything had to go on the card since we had no savings to begin with (support raising missionaries with 5 kids...you get the picture). We had to sell our farm and move our kids from the home and friends they loved. I was homeschooling 3 of them when I was dx'ed and school became very relaxed. I'm seeing the long term side effects of my son who was at a crucial learning time having big holes in his education. I thought they'd eventually be filled in...but that's another story. We do what we think is right at the time. Then a couple months after we moved to our new place, his dog was hit and killed. Devastating to a kid who hadn't made a friend in the new town, who was already angry with me for moving him away, and who was hitting teenage emotions....so glad those days are behind us.
There are whole episodes of my oldest children's lives that I don't remember being a part of due to being deep in health crisis mode. They were having to navigate high school without me being completely present--I was so preoccupied.
My baby was 20 months old when I was dx'ed and I hardly remember her toddlerhood. Her siblings had to step up and pitch in around the house--a lot. Running a farm pushed us over the edge stress wise.
If it's any consolation to you, we rarely went to the movies, had our first vacation in many years this past summer, and just started being able to go out to dinner more often as most of our kids are now out on their own and we're not feeding 5 growing kids. :-)
Thankfully though I have my health and that's been worth every penny to me and I hope my family would say the same.
But the guilt....I so know what you mean. Different life circumstances but same guilty feelings.
So you're not alone.
peace, emily0 -
Guilt of Getting Cancer
There were and still are many, many times I feel that way, I was diagnosed in Jan 09 (on my birthday). I also went thru chemo, radiation, ileostompy bag, and the take down,plus numerous surgeries due to blockage from the radiation. I also had C-diff several times which bought me down to 69 lbs it took me a while to get back some weight like in the 80s. My oldest daugther didnt really understand the c diff thing..since her and her husband just moved here last July. She is still learning the process of dealing with it. I am not the same "Mom" like I was before. I get tired easy. Have to take a diaper bag everywhere I go. Have numbess tingling in my fingers tips once in awhile. I was active duty US Army when I was told I had cancer, Which thank god I was im for the health insurance. I am also a single parent with 2 children still at home a 12 yr old and a 9 yra. I also have 3 older children, 25 yrsm 23 yrs, and 18 yrs old. I also came home with a feeding tube last year for a few months. I have had 2 picc lines in while at home so they could admister TPN. The last time I had it I ended up with a severe case of jaudice. Since then I refuse to receive the TPN and picc line. I am also embasrrassed because now at age 48 I wear depend diapers 24 hrs 7 days a week. I buy different creams for my bottom. Plus I take several baths to ease the pain. In June I had another colonscopy done in which they preferred my bowel which meant emergency surgery. Stayed in the hospital for awhile. Before I got discharged my incision site was already red and inflammed. But they still discharged me. I was home a good 3 to 4 days before going back to the ER where I was admited for about a week. Last year due to the radiation I also started having probelms with my kidneys. The urter(sp) was draining the urine which made my right kidney enlarged. I also received a neurophasty tube inserted in my left kidney because it was infected. Since my urter(sp) was working probable and giving me server pain there inserted a stent which now I have replaced every 3 to 4 months. I dont see the stent ever being taken out permantly. So that means I am always on a antibodtic for UTIs. It seems lately I have "pooping" every day and all day etc. I have tired taking immoudium and lomitol to see if it would slow down or stop. I was/am still so sore had to take pain meds to help. I am thinking the reason why I am going to the bathroom was from my last surgery. I go on Monday to see the surgerons that perform the last surgery in June. I get very mad because I cant really go out and enjoy things with my children and grandsons. Even when we go to Walmart if I am to tired I end up riding the electric wheelchair. Last night I was so embarrassed about buying diapers and ointment. I havent felt that way in awhile. When I was on active duty Tricare would pay for them. But since I have been medically retired they will not buy the diapers. Which is costly. I also applied for disability last year because I knew I can not hold do a job. With being in and out of the hospitals, and cant control my bowel movements. I know disability will back pay from the day you were dignosed(sp) plus they will give disabilily. Along with disability I have Medicare now to which they take out of the disability check. Which is better for me I have better options for myself. I not sure if you all are also aware that if you call the ulities(sp) where you live there is a program to reduce the monthly bills. I will be feeling them out. I did buy a house with my VA loan, but saddens me I feel like I really cant enjoy my home.
I had no idea when I was told about having cancer (stage 3 colorectal) my body would be going thru all this. If I would of know what the reversal was like I would of kept the bag. I try to watch what I eat to see if that makes a difference.
My younger children help me out more then my older children It is hard also for me to keep up on the cleaning, there are times I hire someone to come and help me. But that adds up also. I know now that I will never be "normal" again. The way I am now is the way I will be until God calls me home.
I try to remain postive but the last couple of days, that I have spent more time in the bathroom. I also help my oldest as much as I can with her and her 2 grandsons since my son in law is deployed.
Even when things get us all upset and down. We all should still count our blessing we are still here.
I did read on one of the other posting about Chinese teas. Could you recommend some or tell me where to reach the information.0 -
Pampscott1 said:Brooks,
I am in a panic/guilty mode also. I am a single Mom with a 29, 13 and almost 11 year old girls. I was stupid and didn't buy more life insurance before diagnosis. I don't have enough to payoff my mortgage if I die. My credit cards are practically all at the limit. I barely make it from paycheck to paycheck. I am still working (thank God) but I will always have to so I have health insurance and a paycheck to make all the bills. I am on chemo for life. I was just diagnosed this year w/colon cancer stage II and now have mets to my liver (inoperable). I feel like you....I didn't ask for this; I'm all my girls have to depend on. My ex-husband (my younger girls Dad) just had his 3 1/2 year old son pass away on Monday...they buried him today. This all has not been easy and I'm sure it won't get any easier but what choice do we have? I wish I could win the lottery and make all the bills and worries go away. It's overwhelming. But I'm not ready to go yet. I have to keep pushing on until I can't push anymore. It's exhausting at times and I feel like just saying forget it but I can't give on my girls. I know it's hard....I'm right there with you. Please just hang in there. Who knows; a cure or better treatment might be right around the corner. I'm thinking of you. Hang in there.
Pam
Wow it seems we all are going tough times not matter what. And it shouldnt be that way. I am praying that things get better for you and your family. Have you tired contacting the utilities and explain what is going on they might have different programs to lower your bills.
I am going to look into mortage insurance, meaning if something happens to me, it will pay off the house. I really dont know to much about it. Take Care. And God Bless us all
Barbara0 -
Diagnosis
Yes this diagnosis changes everything. Never ever thought that this would happen to me. Always eating my fruits and veggies, very little fried food, not a sweet eater, exercising and yup me too. I'm sorry that you have fallen on such hard times as these medical bills can just eat any savings up. Don't blame yourself, no one would wish cancer on themselves or an accident or a disease on their child. You would give it all up for your family member, but you won't give it up for yourself just so they have you around longer. You just have to keep up what you can. I'm hoping that you get over the guilt. Your guilt won't get you where you think it should so I'm hoping that you find comfort in the more simple things that you have found. You are not alone in where you are - many have been there and will be there. You've got your family to be with everyday. You are one rich man!!!
Hugs my friend! Kim0 -
Big hugs bspangler xobspangler47 said:Guilt of Getting Cancer
There were and still are many, many times I feel that way, I was diagnosed in Jan 09 (on my birthday). I also went thru chemo, radiation, ileostompy bag, and the take down,plus numerous surgeries due to blockage from the radiation. I also had C-diff several times which bought me down to 69 lbs it took me a while to get back some weight like in the 80s. My oldest daugther didnt really understand the c diff thing..since her and her husband just moved here last July. She is still learning the process of dealing with it. I am not the same "Mom" like I was before. I get tired easy. Have to take a diaper bag everywhere I go. Have numbess tingling in my fingers tips once in awhile. I was active duty US Army when I was told I had cancer, Which thank god I was im for the health insurance. I am also a single parent with 2 children still at home a 12 yr old and a 9 yra. I also have 3 older children, 25 yrsm 23 yrs, and 18 yrs old. I also came home with a feeding tube last year for a few months. I have had 2 picc lines in while at home so they could admister TPN. The last time I had it I ended up with a severe case of jaudice. Since then I refuse to receive the TPN and picc line. I am also embasrrassed because now at age 48 I wear depend diapers 24 hrs 7 days a week. I buy different creams for my bottom. Plus I take several baths to ease the pain. In June I had another colonscopy done in which they preferred my bowel which meant emergency surgery. Stayed in the hospital for awhile. Before I got discharged my incision site was already red and inflammed. But they still discharged me. I was home a good 3 to 4 days before going back to the ER where I was admited for about a week. Last year due to the radiation I also started having probelms with my kidneys. The urter(sp) was draining the urine which made my right kidney enlarged. I also received a neurophasty tube inserted in my left kidney because it was infected. Since my urter(sp) was working probable and giving me server pain there inserted a stent which now I have replaced every 3 to 4 months. I dont see the stent ever being taken out permantly. So that means I am always on a antibodtic for UTIs. It seems lately I have "pooping" every day and all day etc. I have tired taking immoudium and lomitol to see if it would slow down or stop. I was/am still so sore had to take pain meds to help. I am thinking the reason why I am going to the bathroom was from my last surgery. I go on Monday to see the surgerons that perform the last surgery in June. I get very mad because I cant really go out and enjoy things with my children and grandsons. Even when we go to Walmart if I am to tired I end up riding the electric wheelchair. Last night I was so embarrassed about buying diapers and ointment. I havent felt that way in awhile. When I was on active duty Tricare would pay for them. But since I have been medically retired they will not buy the diapers. Which is costly. I also applied for disability last year because I knew I can not hold do a job. With being in and out of the hospitals, and cant control my bowel movements. I know disability will back pay from the day you were dignosed(sp) plus they will give disabilily. Along with disability I have Medicare now to which they take out of the disability check. Which is better for me I have better options for myself. I not sure if you all are also aware that if you call the ulities(sp) where you live there is a program to reduce the monthly bills. I will be feeling them out. I did buy a house with my VA loan, but saddens me I feel like I really cant enjoy my home.
I had no idea when I was told about having cancer (stage 3 colorectal) my body would be going thru all this. If I would of know what the reversal was like I would of kept the bag. I try to watch what I eat to see if that makes a difference.
My younger children help me out more then my older children It is hard also for me to keep up on the cleaning, there are times I hire someone to come and help me. But that adds up also. I know now that I will never be "normal" again. The way I am now is the way I will be until God calls me home.
I try to remain postive but the last couple of days, that I have spent more time in the bathroom. I also help my oldest as much as I can with her and her 2 grandsons since my son in law is deployed.
Even when things get us all upset and down. We all should still count our blessing we are still here.
I did read on one of the other posting about Chinese teas. Could you recommend some or tell me where to reach the information.
Have
Big hugs bspangler xo
Have you thought about getting your ilestomy reversed? Sounds like pooping out of your bottom is more trouble than it may be worth.
Just a thought,,,,0 -
Cancer - Bad Things Happen to Good People
Brooks,
Some good advice I received was 1. Bad Things Just Happen to Good People. We all know and feel the goodness from all on this board. You are a good person who did not ask for Cancer.
2. Cancer redefines your life. BUT some good will come from that change. Men sometimes forget that Marriage is a Partnership. In these tough economic times many men have chosen to be the stay at home parent and provide the Home Coordination because their "partner" may have the job or has the opportunity of making more money. You have a new job - 1. take care of the health you do have, provide for your family with the part of you which is more important than money - you, your time, your love and your emotional support. Take the time to be a part of your children's everyday life that as the major breadwinner you would not have been able to do.
3. The stay at home partner in a marriage can also take the time for your spouse and try to "make quality time" to enrich your loving bond together.
4. You do the best you can! Everyday is a new day to try your best. Give yourself a break because each day we have we have another try at doing what we can.
Prayers,
NB0
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