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The Guilt associated with the pass away of my mother

englishpatient
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

My mother passed away on 23 Sep/2011 due to colon cancer. I would like to share my experiences with you and also made some recommendations. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer in May/2011. The doctors in Richmond, Canada advised us that she is in the final stage and there is nothing they can do and therefore we put her in a hospic. During that time, my sister stayed with her and since there is no doctor's treatment, my sister gave her Chinese medicine. Apparently, the Chinese medicine does help her to improve albeit it cannot cure her. During that period, I worked in Hong Kong and therefore flied several times back and forth to/from Richmond to see my mother. At that time, I was also thinking quitting my job and fly to Canada to stay with her. However, I am overpowered by $$$ made in Hong Kong and did not really put the plan through. On 22 Sep/2011, my sister called me that the doctor said the truma exploded and the final moment came. So I fly from HK to Vancouver and when passing the immigration, the Canadian immigration officer advised me that ther is a person with same name and same birthday is a criminal. While I was interrogated by the Immigration Officer, my sister called and advised me that my mother is dying and waiting to see me the last moment. Luckily, the Immigration Officer cleared my record and I rushed to the hospic. On the way to hospic, I used my phone to keep talking with my mother to ask her to wait for me. The arrival time is 2:20 PM and I hold her hand for 15 minutes during which she opened her eyes to see me. Then at 2:35 PM, she passed away. I felt so lucky that she can see me during the last minutes. Now she passed way for almost 3 weeks, my feeling is that everything that I treasured in the past no longer matter especially working hard to make money and studied hard to gain knowledge. My state of mind is now very very guilty that I did not put her as my priority. Now no matter how much money I made, I cannot get her back and she lost forever. Next year, my daughter will go to Richmond Canada to further her studies. Originally, I plan to stay in Hong Kong to make money and let my wife and daughter to go there. Now I reconsider and will go with them to Richmond to start a new life even though I know that I may be unemployed or making much less money than I am making now.

Brenda Bricco
Posts: 579
Joined: Aug 2011

So sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Please don't feel guilty, she was obviously a priority to you, you were there when she left, hang on to that thought.
Love the ones that you have left, and cherish the momories that you have of your mom. God bless you.
Brenda

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

My mom passed in April after a bout with pneumonia and a stroke. I was in Holland, and stayed there while my sister took care of her. After I came home, I had 2 precious weeks with my mom...and I celebrate it!

Your mom, if she was like mine, was very proud of you for your accomplishments, I am certain. You visited when you could. And, for that last moment, you were there. That, in my opinion, is what mattered.

Family IS important, don't get me wrong. My biggest collection is of people I meet...and telling my loved ones how much they matter is number one priority. If changing your life makes you happy, do it. But don't do it out of guilt...you will suffer, and so will your family...

I carry my mom in my heart now. She is still very much with me.

I'm sorry for your loss. This first year will be the hardest...remembering things, big holidays (facing them myself). Let yourself grieve, but don't let yourself feel guilty...that accomplishes nothing, as far as I'm concerned. Find a grief counselor...they are fantastic at creating a healthy perspective for you...

Hugs, Kathi

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

thoughts and facts and she knew it till the end! Hope this 15 minutes have been a console to you!
Have a big hug from Barcelona!

englishpatient
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

Dear Kaith: proud of you to stay with your mom for the last two weeks. You did the right thing albeit I am not.
I always have a myth in mind whether I and my sister as son and daughter did the right thing:
On Wed, my mother suddenly felt very painful (totally different from previous pain). My sister called the nurse in the hospic and they started to inject morphine every 4 hours and also a type of medicine that prevent the turmor from exploding.
On Thursday, the doctor checked her body and advised that the turmor broke (the doctor called truma fracture) and there is no bowl movement. Starting from Thursday, my mother started refusing to eat.
On Friday, she drank some water and soy bean milk and in the afternoon she passed away.

Did I and my sister do the right thing to let the nurse inject morphone to her so as to expedite the death of my mother? Are I and my sister the killer of my mother by calling the nurse?
Was my mother killed by the morphine or the turmore fracture?
Hope someone with expertise in cancer give us some opinion.

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

My mom spent the last 3 months of her life in and out of reality. Much of the time, she was lost in another world. Our hospice team was FANTASTIC, and, when her breathing became very labored and she was agitated, Morphine was brought on board. Just like with your mom, (listen), it was to make her comfortable....NOT to expedite death!!!!! Trust the members of your mom's hospice team, they have been thru this countless times...and what I did after my mom's passing was talk with them, and also get a name of a good counselor that they work with to help me with my grief....

Please, do this for you and your sister...call hospice, and talk to them about your feelings...they can help!!!!!!!!!

Hugs, Kathi

englishpatient
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

Dear Kaith: proud of you to stay with your mom for the last two weeks. You did the right thing albeit I am not.
I always have a myth in mind whether I and my sister as son and daughter did the right thing:
On Wed, my mother suddenly felt very painful (totally different from previous pain). My sister called the nurse in the hospic and they started to inject morphine every 4 hours and also a type of medicine that prevent the turmor from exploding.
On Thursday, the doctor checked her body and advised that the turmor broke (the doctor called truma fracture) and there is no bowl movement. Starting from Thursday, my mother started refusing to eat.
On Friday, she drank some water and soy bean milk and in the afternoon she passed away.

Did I and my sister do the right thing to let the nurse inject morphone to her so as to expedite the death of my mother? Are I and my sister the killer of my mother by calling the nurse?
Was my mother killed by the morphine or the turmore fracture?
Hope someone with expertise in cancer give us some opinion.

englishpatient
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

Dear Kaith: proud of you to stay with your mom for the last two weeks. You did the right thing albeit I am not.
I always have a myth in mind whether I and my sister as son and daughter did the right thing:
On Wed, my mother suddenly felt very painful (totally different from previous pain). My sister called the nurse in the hospic and they started to inject morphine every 4 hours and also a type of medicine that prevent the turmor from exploding.
On Thursday, the doctor checked her body and advised that the turmor broke (the doctor called truma fracture) and there is no bowl movement. Starting from Thursday, my mother started refusing to eat.
On Friday, she drank some water and soy bean milk and in the afternoon she passed away.

Did I and my sister do the right thing to let the nurse inject morphone to her so as to expedite the death of my mother? Are I and my sister the killer of my mother by calling the nurse?
Was my mother killed by the morphine or the turmore fracture?
Hope someone with expertise in cancer give us some opinion.

englishpatient
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

Dear Kaith: proud of you to stay with your mom for the last two weeks. You did the right thing albeit I am not.
I always have a myth in mind whether I and my sister as son and daughter did the right thing:
On Wed, my mother suddenly felt very painful (totally different from previous pain). My sister called the nurse in the hospic and they started to inject morphine every 4 hours and also a type of medicine that prevent the turmor from exploding.
On Thursday, the doctor checked her body and advised that the turmor broke (the doctor called truma fracture) and there is no bowl movement. Starting from Thursday, my mother started refusing to eat.
On Friday, she drank some water and soy bean milk and in the afternoon she passed away.

Did I and my sister do the right thing to let the nurse inject morphone to her so as to expedite the death of my mother? Are I and my sister the killer of my mother by calling the nurse?
Was my mother killed by the morphine or the turmore fracture?
Hope someone with expertise in cancer give us some opinion.

englishpatient
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

Dear Kaith: proud of you to stay with your mom for the last two weeks. You did the right thing albeit I am not.
I always have a myth in mind whether I and my sister as son and daughter did the right thing:
On Wed, my mother suddenly felt very painful (totally different from previous pain). My sister called the nurse in the hospic and they started to inject morphine every 4 hours and also a type of medicine that prevent the turmor from exploding.
On Thursday, the doctor checked her body and advised that the turmor broke (the doctor called truma fracture) and there is no bowl movement. Starting from Thursday, my mother started refusing to eat.
On Friday, she drank some water and soy bean milk and in the afternoon she passed away.

Did I and my sister do the right thing to let the nurse inject morphone to her so as to expedite the death of my mother? Are I and my sister the killer of my mother by calling the nurse?
Was my mother killed by the morphine or the turmore fracture?
Hope someone with expertise in cancer give us some opinion.

englishpatient
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

Dear Kaith: proud of you to stay with your mom for the last two weeks. You did the right thing albeit I am not.
I always have a myth in mind whether I and my sister as son and daughter did the right thing:
On Wed, my mother suddenly felt very painful (totally different from previous pain). My sister called the nurse in the hospic and they started to inject morphine every 4 hours and also a type of medicine that prevent the turmor from exploding.
On Thursday, the doctor checked her body and advised that the turmor broke (the doctor called truma fracture) and there is no bowl movement. Starting from Thursday, my mother started refusing to eat.
On Friday, she drank some water and soy bean milk and in the afternoon she passed away.

Did I and my sister do the right thing to let the nurse inject morphone to her so as to expedite the death of my mother? Are I and my sister the killer of my mother by calling the nurse?
Was my mother killed by the morphine or the turmore fracture?
Hope someone with expertise in cancer give us some opinion.

englishpatient
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

Dear Kaith: proud of you to stay with your mom for the last two weeks. You did the right thing albeit I am not.
I always have a myth in mind whether I and my sister as son and daughter did the right thing:
On Wed, my mother suddenly felt very painful (totally different from previous pain). My sister called the nurse in the hospic and they started to inject morphine every 4 hours and also a type of medicine that prevent the turmor from exploding.
On Thursday, the doctor checked her body and advised that the turmor broke (the doctor called truma fracture) and there is no bowl movement. Starting from Thursday, my mother started refusing to eat.
On Friday, she drank some water and soy bean milk and in the afternoon she passed away.

Did I and my sister do the right thing to let the nurse inject morphone to her so as to expedite the death of my mother? Are I and my sister the killer of my mother by calling the nurse?
Was my mother killed by the morphine or the turmore fracture?
Hope someone with expertise in cancer give us some opinion.

englishpatient
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

Dear Kaith: proud of you to stay with your mom for the last two weeks. You did the right thing albeit I am not.
I always have a myth in mind whether I and my sister as son and daughter did the right thing:
On Wed, my mother suddenly felt very painful (totally different from previous pain). My sister called the nurse in the hospic and they started to inject morphine every 4 hours and also a type of medicine that prevent the turmor from exploding.
On Thursday, the doctor checked her body and advised that the turmor broke (the doctor called truma fracture) and there is no bowl movement. Starting from Thursday, my mother started refusing to eat.
On Friday, she drank some water and soy bean milk and in the afternoon she passed away.

Did I and my sister do the right thing to let the nurse inject morphone to her so as to expedite the death of my mother? Are I and my sister the killer of my mother by calling the nurse?
Was my mother killed by the morphine or the turmore fracture?
Hope someone with expertise in cancer give us some opinion.

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

I am glad you made it there to see her before she passed. It sounded like you tried very hard and even with complications managed to be there. I wish I had been there when my mom passed, instead she was in a hospital surrounded by strangers. I think there will always be guilt when someone passes, you second guess every decision that you make and wonder how you could've made a better choice for you and your loved one. I hope in time you can make peace with your choices. I try to forgive myself, some days I succeed others days not so much.

{{hugs}}

englishpatient
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2011

I think it is impossible to make up for mom in person right now. However, there are other things we can do to lessen our guilty. I tried my best to accomplish her wishes while she was alive. For example, she likes me to put her photo with my father's photo together in the living room so that we can pray and worship her (this is my culture and tradition). She likes me to go to Canada with my daughter and wife rather than left them there and I go back to Hong Kong to earn money. I therefore decided to follow her wish. I got a strong feeling that she is somewhere and so she will know what I did for her and feel happy about it. Although some people may think this is totally an illusion but it is really no harm to try. Indeed, there are many evidences pointing to the existence of souls and after life and therefore I have a strong conviction that there are something I can do to make it up for her.

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