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The Trauma of a Diagnosis of Cancer

LilChemoSmoker's picture
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

This is a great read that I found this evening. Thought I would share: This article can be found at the following website: http://www.neillneill.com/the-trauma-of-a-diagnosis-of-cancer and is written by Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill.

The Trauma of a Diagnosis of Cancer
Dr. Neill Neill

Dr. Neill Neill

Most of us personally know at least one family that has been touched by cancer. The chances are that we have experienced cancer in our own families. Perhaps you are dealing with a diagnosis of cancer or have beaten cancer yourself.

I personally have lost a son, two sisters-in-law and two favorite uncles to cancer in the last five years.

I just got off the phone with a dear friend whose mother has been recently diagnosed with cancer. Her cancer has not metastasized, so with surgery and probably chemo her chances of a full recovery are good.

Nevertheless, getting the diagnosis of cancer is traumatic, not just to the person living with cancer, but to everyone with a connection to that person—family, fiends, and even the family doctor.

The Person with Cancer

If you have been diagnosed with cancer, you almost certainly are going through a range of emotions from deep grief and hopelessness, to anger, to feelings of intense urgency and to feelings of love. Memories, regrets, unfulfilled intentions and fears will surface. You may find yourself dwelling on the anticipated surgery and possible catastrophic outcomes. You may find yourself trying to avoid thinking about it.

It is important that you acknowledge to yourself that your emotional turmoil is quite normal under the extreme circumstances of trauma. One moment you may be planning what you will do after you recover; the next moment you may be planning your obituary.

You may want all your family members around you, and then suddenly want to be left alone. You may want to talk with your family about your death even if your chances of survival are good. You may want to talk with them about planning a family vacation for next year, even if your chances of survival are slim.

The important thing to recognize is that all of this is a normal part of your body and mind trying to heal in the context of trauma.

Hope is built on acknowledging the worst case, not on denying it.


Family and Friends

If you are a close family member or friend of the one diagnosed, you too will be grieving, even if the prognosis is very good. You may be consumed with an urgency to fix the problem, but then be overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness. You may want to withdraw or blame. All of this is a normal part of being traumatized by the news of the diagnosis.

Just try to stay present and listen without judgment. You may be uncomfortable to hear your loved one talk about death, but that may be what they need to do.

Avoid exaggerating the gravity of the situation. Within a day of one of my daughters being diagnosed and scheduled for surgery, a relative approached her and said, “If you die, can I have your art?” (She beat the cancer, and that was 20 years ago.)

Avoid minimizing the situation with “Everything is going to be alright,” or “The surgery will be a piece of cake.”

Stay calm and let them talk about whatever they want to. Just be present with them as they go through the inevitable shock and emotional turmoil. If you don’t know what to say, just listen and say nothing.

And be there for the practical stuff: telephone calls, organizing visits, transportation, pet minding, medical appointments, wills, etc. The last thing they need right after receiving a diagnosis of cancer is to be fretting about practical arrangements.

The Professional Community

We all hear stories of doctors, medical receptionists, and other professionals saying totally inappropriate things that further traumatize the patient. I don’t for a moment take it as inherent insensitivity or callousness among the professionals. I believe rather that it is more likely a reflection of the professionals’ fears of their own mortality.

My experience is that most of the professional community does display sensitivity in dealing with the very ill. But in the chain of service providers a cancer patient must deal with, it only takes one insensitive remark to make a bad situation worse.

If you are a professional in that chain, please acknowledge to yourself your discomfort with bumping into your own mortality, and you’ll do fine.

Posts: 27
Joined: Oct 2011

Thanks for sharing this. I'm the caregiver, not the patient, so there's no way I can know what my partner is going through and it's hard to know what to do sometimes. I've said and done some stupid things since Jeff's diagnosis, but am trying the best I can to be caring and compassionate. Articles like this are a big help to understand what the cancer patient may be going through.


LilChemoSmoker's picture
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

Hi Rachelle,

Hello, and welcome to these halls! There is so much love and support here. As a caregiver, I can sooo relate! My husband was diagnosed in June this year and the first month we nearly killed each other trying to communicate. But then we had to kick into gear with our lives! We both just realized that we needed to band together like we have so many other times in our 16 years and start connecting or the time we do have was going to be wasted on battles we would never have chose to be battles before. So with the gravity of facing his terminal diagnosis we are entitled to a good squabble now and then...LOL

I try every day to live intentionally and mindfully as Steve Jobs put it so eloquently. Cancer is beast under any circumstances, and it is not easy, even as adults to navigate through such a traumatic process. Cancer changes everything and everyone involved. There will be days (as we all have them) that I will post in need of support as I can not possibly have the expectation of my husband to meet me where I am ALL the time. I too falter and stubble. There is no shame in the face of trauma, our minds tend to push into an 'auto-pilot' state of thinking and doing. It is tough to not get your needs met in such a way that is not familiar.

I hope and pray for you to be able to find the support you need through the wonderful members here, keep posting and sharing your experience as there are others that can learn from you as well.

Big hugs! And Kudos for your bravery in reaching out!

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