GGRRHH

I know how you feel
Hi Ann,
I know exactly how you feel. I am so darned crabby I can hardly stand to be in the same room with me. I have never had this miserable personality and I don't like it either. I think it's just overwhelming anger at the whole miserable situation we find ourselves in. I try to be nicer but sometimes I think if I don't **** a little I'll just explode. As principal caregivers, we have so little time to ourselves and I think that's part of the problem. This past weekend, I was able to get away with some girlfriends and I felt like a new woman - like I had my old life back, even if it was just for two days. I would highly recommend the same for you. It can at least temporarily restore your sanity.
Take care of yourself.
Rita

Anger is a valid emotion, too
Hi Ann,
One day I was so pent up with anger I went outside and chopped brush and hacked away at little trees with an intensity that surprised me. I finally acknowledged it for what it was: anger. I think just realizing it for what it is helps some. And I do also recommend a respite, even for an hour. I got the privilege of driving my friends to the airport just before Steve entered Hospice House. What a treat to talk about their trip and not the disease for an hour or so.
Hope you can find an hour or so to carve out of your day,
Jo-Ann

unknown said:

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THE GROCERY STORE!!
Oh my gosh, I am NOT nuts . . . I hate the grocery store more than any other place I go!!! I get the same panic - I now try to go at odd hours to avoid seeing people. It seems as though at the grocery store , everyone would rather talk to you than do their shopping so they do!

Thank you Sherri for sharing that simple little thing - it helped me today . . .

Sincerely,
Whitney

Hi Anne , and thankyou for
Hi Anne , and thankyou for all the advice you have gave me before. In this disease we cant help but feeling rejected , mad , sad - every feeling but good. I get very upset on how were still treating cancer and not cureing it. We really need to pray hard for this. I hope you have better days ahead.

Daisylin said:

Ah, the grocery store,
Well, I guess I'm joining the "I'm not crazy club" . The grocery store is a great source of irritation for me too! One time, I was waiting in line with my cart, and all I could think was, if anyones looks at me the wrong way, or if the cashier is snooty with me, I'm just gonna lose my mind, snap, freak out or punch someone. I was actually starting to panic a bit, just envisioning myself punching some little old lady in the head for no good reason!! I'm not usually the type to overreact when people look at me the wrong way. Of course, no one treated me badly, and I was on my way with no incidents. But, it did leave me a bit shaken, and from that day on, the grocery store is to be avoided like the plague. I don't know if it was a mild anxiety attack or what, but man was it ever a terrible feeling.

I have also been angry, so very angry lately. I just want to be at home, staring at the walls. I know that I need 'me' time, but honestly, the thought of getting prettied up and going out almost always seems like too much to manage. I'm lucky that I make it out the door to work every day! I do try to get some reading, bath or telephone time in each day, but that does not always happen. I do find that walking my dog really helps me to feel better. I think it is normal for us to feel these feelings, we are in constant demand from our family, friends, loved ones, jobs and household duties. We just never seem to be able to find time for ourselves, and when we do, we feel guilt for having fun. We always end up last, which usually leaves us with nothing for ourselves. I do not resent this at all, and would not want to be anywhere but at Lee's side.

I think we are all entitled to our own feelings, and none of them are wrong. I don't know if the anger is healthy for us, but I don't know how else we would be expected to feel

Chantal

Anger
I as a care giver feel your anger for I am also angry that my husband has to go through this . It is not easy to see some one you love being turn apart You will get throught this and there is a light at the end of the road .We are still fighting this and we will win ,God ,family and friends will take you through. Hamg in there better days are coming
RD

Daisylin said:

Ah, the grocery store,
Well, I guess I'm joining the "I'm not crazy club" . The grocery store is a great source of irritation for me too! One time, I was waiting in line with my cart, and all I could think was, if anyones looks at me the wrong way, or if the cashier is snooty with me, I'm just gonna lose my mind, snap, freak out or punch someone. I was actually starting to panic a bit, just envisioning myself punching some little old lady in the head for no good reason!! I'm not usually the type to overreact when people look at me the wrong way. Of course, no one treated me badly, and I was on my way with no incidents. But, it did leave me a bit shaken, and from that day on, the grocery store is to be avoided like the plague. I don't know if it was a mild anxiety attack or what, but man was it ever a terrible feeling.

I have also been angry, so very angry lately. I just want to be at home, staring at the walls. I know that I need 'me' time, but honestly, the thought of getting prettied up and going out almost always seems like too much to manage. I'm lucky that I make it out the door to work every day! I do try to get some reading, bath or telephone time in each day, but that does not always happen. I do find that walking my dog really helps me to feel better. I think it is normal for us to feel these feelings, we are in constant demand from our family, friends, loved ones, jobs and household duties. We just never seem to be able to find time for ourselves, and when we do, we feel guilt for having fun. We always end up last, which usually leaves us with nothing for ourselves. I do not resent this at all, and would not want to be anywhere but at Lee's side.

I think we are all entitled to our own feelings, and none of them are wrong. I don't know if the anger is healthy for us, but I don't know how else we would be expected to feel

Chantal

The dreaded grocery store!
I don't seem to be having the same emotions as the other ladies on the board, I am not angry, I am sad and I weep at just about everything. Of course I don't do this in front of Jeff, or family, or friends, or co-workers. So if I don't cry in front of those people, guess who gets to see my mini-breakdowns, thats right the grocery store workers. I use to walk up and down the aisles weeping, silently of course, but I still feel awkward and stupid. I can't help it, something about doing a task from my regular old life let's something loose inside of me. I also can't be around children, seeing a baby will set me into tears. Just today while I was waiting for Jeff to get his CT scan a woman with a stroller walked by, one look at that baby and the floodgates opened. Jeff and I want a family and seeing little ones just pokes at a very sensitive spot for me. Jeff's nephew just had his first son, the parents are the same age as us, they want to bring the baby over and it makes me panic thinking of that. I can't even look at a baby let alone hold one! Then today I started going back to my outdoor boot camp classes, they are exercise classes that my work provides, they are really challenging. Before Jeff was diagnosed I had lost a good deal of weight by exercising 6 days a week, I was getting very fit. I have kept off the weight over the last 3 months, which is a small win for me but I had stopped exercising. Now that Jeff is recovering I have decided to get back into working out. I go to the class and I really exhausted, I was running and all of a sudden I couldn't catch my breath because I was balling. SO embarrassing!! I just keep having these emotions and thoughts wave over me, at that moment it was how much I hate cancer and I was mourning the care free life before cancer. The worst part is that Jeff was able to have surgery, he had a clean pathology report, and I can't stop crying. I didn't cry this much when he was in treatment. My only guess is that I never really dealt with how I was feeling and it is all coming out now. I wish I could get angry, then maybe I would stop freaking crying so much!

Niki

mrsbotch said:

Anger
Tell me about it. You are really not alone. I had so much anger when Vince was sick. What happened to our lives? why was HE sick? Why can't we have a normal conversation? Why are we always at the drs offices? Why us? why not someone else? yes I have been there , just like you, and it is horrible. The grocery store was the worst as I had always shopped for what he likes and now he wanted nothing to eat so I was helpless. I think Helpless is a good word. There is nothing we can do to change the situation except watch our loved one get sicker and sicker everyday.

This cancer is a monster. I hate it and everything it does to people.


Barbara

You've found my sore spot, Barbara
The grocery store became the symbol of everything we "lost" when Nick was diagnosed. He no longer was able or didn't want to eat meals with the family. When the food hung up, it was difficult for him, as well as embarrassing. Cancer took away one of our most intimate times - the family dinner. and the grocery store was the somewhere where I couldn't buy a thing that would "fix this". Not that anything would "fix this", but a nice meal or dinner out used to go a long ways. Back when life was "normal".....

I am angry at the changes it's brought to my husband's life, my children's lives, and my life. I am angry as I watch EC change other families here on the board. I've never been good with things I consider "grays" - not clearly defined and no real solution. Black and white - not a problem, but grays.....

I am angry because I'm scared. and I don't like being scared!

Terry