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is it wrong to feel sorry for myself ?

Posts: 37
Joined: Sep 2011

Is it wrong to feel sorry for myself ? Is wrong to wonder why people never ask how I am doing? I AM SO MAD is it wrong? I am not sure how to make it through this journey with out guilt, I am mad that he is giving up!!! I feel like we are just waiting for him to die, he is so down I am not sure how to deal I just want to escape!!!! Maybe people are asking how I am but I am not listening cause I am afraid I will lose control. I feel like he thinks I did this to him, I feel he wants me to behave in a certain way and I have no idea what that is... I need to breath I feel like ,, I don't know what."

thanks for listening tomorrow will be a better day I know it.
It has to be so it will be, I feel better already, no judgement so nice thanks :-)
deep breath ahhh I think we should be living not thinking about dying

Posts: 1846
Joined: Aug 2010

And how ARE you feelng? Taking care of yourself? Have you had a check up since his diagnosis? Are you making time to breathe?

No, you are not wrong, but I doubt it is what you need to make you feel better and stronger.

Take plenty of those deep breaths.

jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Nope, you're not wrong to feel sorry for yourself.
You are in a situation where you have little/no control.
It's infuriating, frustrating and very sad.

You have a 1000 things you normally have to deal with in life
and suddenly most of that has come to a screeching halt because
of cancer. Guilt comes with this kind of situation. No matter
what you do, it doesn't seem to be enough or just because you are
human and you exercise a little selfishness or self protection,
or your RIGHT to "freak out" and react to all of this, you feel guilty.

There is no clear correct way to deal with all of this. But you
can't entirely lose "you" in the process and you can't beat yourself
up all the time.

One of the hardest things I learned
a long time ago was how to forgive myself.

Be kind to yourself. Come here and scream anytime you like.



Posts: 37
Joined: Sep 2011

Many thanks, I am a natural care giver, and I always put everyone before me... and people around me keep saying take care of your self, it is so hard for me to do that, cause I am consumed with taking care of my husband, and it is so frustrating because he just wants to die, I feel like he is drowning and I am trying to save him but he does not want to be saved, and at the end of the day I drown... :-( saving him is the most important thing in my life right now, and I am slowly realizing that I can't and at the same time I have to try to figure out how I am going to sit by and watch him give up.. So maybe I will start to focus on me, and when he needs me I will be there... he is not eating and I seem to be eating for both of us the weight he loss I found LOLOL...

Barbara53's picture
Posts: 658
Joined: Aug 2009

For the record, I weigh 20 pounds more than I did when I became a caregiver. I really don't think I over-ate. It was the high stress adrenaline-powered days and nights as chemo caregiver. I hope it's like post pregnancy weight, and that it will agree to go away when all this is over.

My Mom stopped treatment over a month ago after an two year battle, and she feels much better. She did not give up. She accepted God's plan and is getting ready to move to her new home. This is important work. These are holy days. Good luck with them.

ddpekks's picture
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

You are not wrong......you are dealing the best you can. And, you are saying it out loud! I believe that is the best medicine for you right now. One of my biggest problems is having no one to talk to. Oh, there are people all around, but they are not experiencing the same things we are, so there is no way in h@** I could say the things that I think sometimes. They'd have me committed! So, I keep it bottled up till I can get to a flippin' computer and write it out loud to you and all these other people here.

I wish there was more I could do or say to help you through this, but there is not. All I can do is listen and send you cyber hugs. Say it loud and say it often has become my new mantra. Hope that helps a tiny smidge.


palmyrafan's picture
Posts: 397
Joined: Mar 2011

to feel the way you do.

I am the patient, my husband, the caregiver. I know there are days he gets so frustrated with me that all he can do is shake his head. There are days when I say "I just can't do this anymore" and he just looks at me and says, "yes you can". And he's right. But there are days when everything seems so out of control that all we want to do is give up.

You can't give up on you. You are your biggest and best advocate. Don't feel guilty for taking time for you even if it is only for an hour or 2 at a time. Just being able to get out and clear your head away from the situation will do wonders for you. Have lunch with a girlfriend, shop for new shoes (you ARE on your feet a lot) and whatever you do, don't feel guilty for the way you feel. How you are feeling is normal. The caregivers get frustrated and so do the patients; luckily for my husband and I, we don't ever get frustrated at the same time so we can help each other through the muck.

Take care of you, you're the only you we have!

KLScoville's picture
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

I am right there with you hon! I have many people ask me how my husband is doing and my immediate response is "he is dying". Not he is taking treatments, Not he is in remission, not he is fine....I am the one who is F.I.N.E. (have someone break that down for you if you don't get it). I hate the fact that he is just slipping away from me. And it gets worse everyday that passes. He is taking more morphine than he has ever had since he started on his journey towards a pain free life. And I don't mean his earthly life. I wish I had the miracle drug to get rid of this cancer but that would be a waste since he just wants to die. I feel as if I am no use to him but in the same breath I am the best thing that has ever happened to him according to him. Again honey, I am right there with you....damned if I do, damned if I don't...what a vicious cycle we are going through as caregivers. I cherish the moments that he is awake, alert, confused (unfortunately expected),hugs me and throws in a "nice butt" unexpectly. I hate it when he sleeps not knowing if he will wake up again and always thankful when he does.
I will pray that you will find that "deep breath" and enjoy your time together with your husband.
God bless and we are here for you!
Thanks for letting me vent also.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

You are entitled to your feelings. Along with the mad, I hear scared. You have a right to that, too. You are facing your greatest fear, the loss of your husband. I know that fear and the sense of feeling so helpless. As caregivers we want to fix them, but we can't. I did lose my husband. He fought to the end, maybe even longer than he should have. That's part of the helplessness, too. They have a right to their feelings as well. How they deal with the cancer is in their hands and heads. We can just be there for them when they let us. Mad helps is get through. This probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but I hope there is a grain of something that helps a little. Maybe just knowing we are here helps. Fay

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