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So Much to Say

Posts: 37
Joined: Jun 2010

but there aren't words to describe the kind of heartache felt when watching the love of your life being taken from you.

The only time my heart isn't aching is when my mind is overwhelmed with guilt.

Life is loosing a lot of good by what's happening to this woman and I will never, ever forgive Life for bringing this kind of cruelty upon her.


palmyrafan's picture
Posts: 397
Joined: Mar 2011

I am so very sorry for what is happening to you and your beloved right now.

May I share a very quick story?

My M-I-L (RIP Annie), my husband's mother, lost her daughter when Ellen was only 14. She got apsirated pneumonia in 1962 and the docs didn't know what it was. She fell ill on Tuesday and on Thursday (thanksgiving) she died. Well, Annie said she was angry at God and was never going to talk to him again and never allowed Ellen's name to be spoken in the house as it was too painful for her to deal with. Nevermind my F-I-L and my husband.

Fast forward to 1994. Our daughter was 9 and she saw a pix of Ellen and asked who she was. My M-I-L got very upset and said that she didn't want to discuss it. So I told my daughter it was my husband's sister who died at the age of 14 and that Annie was so upset, she swore she would never forgive God for taking away her beautiful daughter. Our daughter, who was all of 9 at the time, looked at her grandmother and said, "Grandma, it's okay to be angry at God, just don't forget to talk to Him about it". Her very kind young words, unleased tears that Neil said he hadn't seen in over 30 years. Annie looked at our daughter, tears running down her face and said, "Oh Stefanie, do you really think so?" After that, Annie started talking to God again.

Annie passed in 2008 after many medical hardships and trials and tribulations. But Neil and I rest easier now knowing that she had made her peace with God before she died.

Please, don't carry around that anger. We all have our crosses to bear, and sometimes it seems that some of us get the short end of the stick. But I tell my husband that when he gets angry, to get angry at the cancer, not at life, not at me, not at the docs, but at the cancer.

I hope you find the peace and comfort you are seeking. I will keep you in my prayers.


Posts: 37
Joined: Jun 2010


I talked to God over this past weekend and guess what, at 6:30pm Sun evening my sweetheart was blessed with a damned stroke!

Rushed to ER, got there at 7pm and at 3:30am the following morning they finally put her in a room in intensive care. I left at 4:30am, got home and in bed at 5:15am, Up at 8am, showered and went back to hospital. It's now 8pm Tue, and I just got home from sitting with a stranger who used to be my wife.


Posts: 196
Joined: Mar 2010

I dont have much advice for you, other then telling you I understand. I too asked "why" several times and still do. You are watching a very hard journey right now. I watched a gentle, sweet 225lb man waste away to about 100lbs. Through treatments, blood clots, stents, surgery and was there when he took his last breath.

Its not easy and can make you mad as he**. Its not fair and a dirty trick. I get it.
Be patient with yourself. Let yourself feel all the feelings. Cancer sucks. and what it can do to the human body is so horrible, their isn't a word for it. You will never be the same, but you will continue on. You will cry, stomp, get mad and ask why, but you will be there, because the love in your heart for your wife will pull you to her side. Just love her and let her know it. The rest is out of your hands. Cancer takes so much, dont let it take away your love and spirit and dedication. We as caregivers have to give away so much. It is ripped from us. But it cant take away our spirit, our love for our survivors, our strength to carry on. It may win the body, but through us, our loved ones will go on.

what has helped me at times is knowing that God is always there and knows the big picture. He will take care of our loved ones and of us.

catwink22's picture
Posts: 276
Joined: Sep 2009

I’m sure you wish this wasn’t happening, or that it was happening to you and not her, but what if it were you? Would you want her to feel this way? The hurt is intense, and it’s normal to feel guilty and mad at the world right now. You have every right to feel this way, but don’t let it destroy you. I don’t think that’s what she would want for you. I doubt if there is anything anyone can say to give you any kind of comfort, but your woman obviously loved you very much in return. Find your strength in that and take it a day at a time.
So sorry

jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011


I think Cat makes some good points. Please feel free to
vent here and let it out. I know you are angry at the world
and I don't blame you.

I hope a ray of sun shines through your storm today and brings
you some peace.

Hang in there buddy.


Posts: 37
Joined: Jun 2010

thanks everyone.

Has anyone had any experience with this procedure?


She is being scheduled for this very soon, maybe next week.

(sigh) not only does it destroy and kill, it tortures in the process.


jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

I did a little research on the device/procedure.
I don't have personal experience but you might want to check
on the brain board.

One of the things I read about it is very little/no side effects.
I also read that the results may take awhile from the procedure.

I found this video from University of Maryland.
It's about 8 minutes and I think the the doctor must
have used it on one of his eyebrows ;). The link
references other videos as well.


Hang in there, buddy.


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