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at the end of it all

Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2010

I just read about Nan's mom, age 80, and I think that she made the right decision. To at least try treatment. I wish I hadn't. I'm just at the end of my 1 year pst txt and I have gotten only worse.I have lost mobility, my breathing is about to kill me, and they drain fluids off my abdomin every 2 weeks or so. My butt still bleeds, and I just want to lay down all the time. But my husband comes home and wants to here and there..I went camping this weekend...huge mistake. Try sleeping in a tent when your butt is screaming. I couldn't go on the boat, cuz I needed to stay close to the bathrooms, I couldn't walk cuz I have little to no mobility left, and now I find out that all the kids are moving up on the 23/24th of the month. I love them all, but my second bedroom is like a storage unit. And Trace tells me to just move it all into the garage. Good advice, but I can't even carry a load of laundry from the kitchen to the bedroom without having to rest in between. How does he think I can do this? If I'd known the repercussions, I'd've opted for no treatments. Hope all is well with everyone else. Melodie

Lorikat's picture
Posts: 680
Joined: Jul 2011

Melodie... Your post makes my heart sooo sad. It also kindled a what if conversation with my own husband. Being at the beginning of this journey we do not know what will happen. I would imagine we are older than you, as camping and sleeping on the ground went away a long time ago.
Can your kids empty the other bedroom for you? We as women are so many times seen as bullet proof, and see ourselves the same way, that we do not want to ask for help. For awhile you may have to ask. (please understand this ia a note to myself as well).

Now for honesty...I too wondered about even fighting this thing...the radiation, the chemotherapy, the illness brought on by both..scary. The after side effects scarier yet. But ..here I am at MDA. My kids say they still need me....my Grandkids still like to get GMa hugs....and my husband still can't dress himself. Look for reasons Melodie...look for little joys, and don't be so hard on yourself.

When I get further along I may need words of incouragement from you...warm hugs, Lorie

z's picture
Posts: 1401
Joined: May 2009

Lorikat pretty much said it all. I just want you to keep trying to feel better and take care of yourself. It took a good year before all my stamina was back. I had to go back to work after 8 weeks and it was slow going, as I have a physical job. Like you said its hard to catch your breath. You might want to try breathing exercises to improve your breathing. If the body is not getting oxygen you will have no energy. I still do them, as I also had a lobectomy for a primary lung cancer. Thank goodness I was being scanned for follow up of the anal cancer, when the lung cancer was found. The lung cancer was found very early and with that I have an 85% cure rate. Never give up, you have people who love you and I hope with time you will be healthy again. Ask for help. Lori

Posts: 300
Joined: May 2010

Hey Melodie - I am heartsick you are going through all this. I have issues as well but not the caliber you have and we started and ended at the same time. Did they say what the fluid in your abdomen is? My brother had that for awhile, they called it acides or something like that and they had to drain his tummy as well. They said it had something to do with autoimmune I think (he has multiple myeloma). I continue to pray for you to find health and renewed stamina and an end to all this so that you are back to feeling better. I know this is discouraging but not doing treatment would have been worse I think. I know there are side effects from treatment (my kidneys are not doing well so I have to have them watched now - oncologist thinks it is from radiation damage which makes sense as I frequently get UTI's) but I would not have wanted harvey in my body one second more than he was in there. At least that is how I feel. As for your hubby...I think people do not understand what we go through, before and after treatment because they have not been through it. It's hard to comprehend when they have nothing to compare it with. You have more patience with your hubby than I do. The load of laundry would have been chucked at his head lol. Take care of yourself...the heck with him or anyone else who thinks you should be doing more or feeling differently. YOU need to take care of YOU and just do what you need to do. Selfish? Heck no. You are trying to find your healing balance and I don't think stressing yourself out is helping matters any. I will continue to come in here to see how you are doing but consider this my pep talk for today. Hugs, Marilyne

Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2010

I am trying to keep up my spirits cuz all our kids r coming, and I don't want to be a drag. I'm the one that used to take them to the beach, the park, camping trips, and now after this weekend I realized Mommy can't do it. I'm 50. I should have some life left in me. I had hired Merry Maids for few months, but for 90 dollars per week, I could almost do what they did, vaccuum, wash a couple of dishes and wipe down the bathroom. So tomorrow I have a neighbor coming over who used to clean my house when I was on business trips, and she doesn't really have a set fee, but I know she does a jam up job.I'm tired of trying to pretend I'm Superwoman, and I had to let go of a little bit of pride to do this, but my decision is made. God please don't let me get screwed on this deal. Melodie

Posts: 80
Joined: Jun 2010

I agree with what everyone here has so beautifully expressed; you need to take care of yourself first: balance body, mind and spirit. Honor your limitations because that is your truth, and ask for help. You will heal faster.I send you love and hugs

Lorikat's picture
Posts: 680
Joined: Jul 2011

proud of your! It is hard to give in and ask for help. I am learning to do that now at 60+. My Grandkids expect me to take them hiking and swimming etc, etc, and now I know I won't be able to at least for a while (long while?) Have asked daughter-in-law to take over out door activities when all kids are home, and she, of course, agreed. Just ask...that is a very high hurdle to clear .....Lorie

Posts: 374
Joined: Jan 2011

Marilyne said it so eloquently: "You are trying to find your healing balance . . ." and that is so very true. It's easy to sit here and say it's mind over matter when my road hasn't been as bumpy as yours. But from what I'm reading in your posts is that you need some peace in your spirit. And no matter who cleans your house, or washes your clothes, peace won't come until it comes from within YOU. You mustbe your own best advocate.

It took anal cancer for me to really 'get' this message myself. I pray that you find your inner peace so that your true healing, that you so beautifully deserve, can begin.

With love and hope.


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