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Feeling like an ass

Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2011

I totally blew up at my fiancee this morning, and I can't for the life of me remeber what stupid petty thing it was that I was soooo pissed of about. I love my fiancee and am so grateful to have him in my life. I hate the cancer, I hate it I hate it. I hate looking for treatment options I hate applying for assistance and just not quite fitting the criteria. I hate the SSI disability process, I hate that he is in pain every single day and there is nothing I can do to fix it. And I hate insurance companies. the whole american insurance system sucks!!!!

wow, that's an awful lot of hate. I'm not a hateful person like that. I just hate what this cancer has done by just being there. put off getting married, put off having a baby, put off buying land because why? Cancer. Stupid rotten stinking cancer.

Granted, I wouldn't trade a minute of my time with him. Cancer , chemo and all of it. I'm just worn down from the fight. Constantly worried about eviction, worried that his next scan will have bad news.
but we are planning our wedding anyway. cancer won't keep us down. it's just so overwhelming sometimes.

Posts: 428
Joined: Jul 2011

I had a couple blow ups myself this week followed by the self-hate you share you are also experiencing. From what you write, you are doing a super job in a very difficult situation. Give yourself a break. You are under tremendous stress. Tomorrow is a new day and you will do better. Me too. Lisa

palmyrafan's picture
Posts: 397
Joined: Mar 2011

Is the right attitude to have. Hate the cancer, be angry at the cancer, get frustrated at the cancer, but never at the patient.

I am a brain cancer patient, my husband is my caregiver. We've been fighting this for almost 18 years. My husband is a Saint in my book. Oh, he claims his halo is tarnished, but he tolerates a alot from me. I have my good days and my bad days; medically, physically and psychologically.

Patients perspective?

1) We have had the rug ripped out from underneath us. There is no "normal". We have a new normal and sometimes we aren't ready to accept that.

2) We usually never know from one day to the next how we will feel. Many days we wake up exhausted, drained and not all there. But we slog through the medical procedures, tests, exams and treatments because we want to beat the Beast as much as our caregivers, doctors and family wants us to. Many times we feel like "but I'm dancing as fast as I can" because we have so many different people we feel we have to please. We have to "look good".

3) Decisions, decisions, decisions: do we or don't we have surgery, chemo, radiation? That is a personal decision that no one can make for us. For me personally, it is quality vs. quantity. We have Advance Directives and Living Wills to fill out. We constantly have blood drawn, tests completed, we are poked and prodded until we don't think we can take anymore. But take it we do, again, because we are expected to. If we protest, people get mad at us.

I am so sorry that this is so hard for you. My husband has an "out". His out is that if he decides that he just can't take this anymore, he has the right to walk away. I love him enough to let him go, if that is what he wants. But he always tells me that "you were drafted, I enlisted and I will keep re-enlisting for however long it takes."

You're both in my heart and prayers.


Posts: 428
Joined: Jul 2011

Teresa, I am glad you have such a good man to share your challenges. Thanks for taking the time to inspire us to keep going. Even though times are tough, I still would not trade places with anyone. Life is still pretty good. Lisa

jimwins's picture
Posts: 2111
Joined: Aug 2011

Hello SK,

I'm so sorry you are having these difficulties.
You are human and with cancer comes so many challenges
and frustrations. So forgive yourself.

Sounds like you could use a break honestly.
Do you have someone who can assist you with caregiving
on a regular basis so you can have some "me" time
to recharge?

I read your profile and it sounded like at least initially,
you were trying to be a full time caregiver and that's nearly
impossible for anyone. The stress and anxiety can really take its toll.
You have to take care of yourself you know.

Maybe you can talk with some social workers where your
fiance is being treated or elsewhere in your area to see if you can
get some assistance and ease some burdens?

Maybe you can work something out with your landlord temporarily.
Never hurts to ask.

I'm in a situation where I'm having to cut corners - I'm afraid
I will lose my house as my income has dropped significantly.
I've had to go on long term disability and also have been
approved for SSD. I'm trying to work with my bank on reducing
my mortgage somehow.

I will probably get rid of my cable and current phone and
opt for highspeed internet for everything. I can get my entertainment
and phone service cheaper through the internet (NetTalk phone, $30/year
and I already purchased a Roku device I can attach to my TV
so I can get NetFlix, Hulu, etc.). Ultimately, I may have to move in with
my sister and her husband.

My savings has cancer too - slowly being eaten away unfortunately.
Do they have chemo for savings accounts? :).

I try to take everything day by day (which is difficult for me as I'm
a natural worrier and planner).

I hope a ray of sunshine streams into your day today.
Hang in there and please remember to take care of yourself - it's not
selfish, it's necessary.

Hugs and a few funny quotes I found....

- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm glad you got that rant out and hope it made you feel better. Today is a new day. Boy, your feelings sure sound Pretty common. Realize that you are expressing some very normal (whatever that is) thoughts that are shared by just about every caregiver. Anger is so common because you are grieving the life you planned. Remember there is one thing cancer can never take from you - your love for each other. Im glad you have decided to go ahead with the wedding. Hang in there and reach out to friends and family for help. Fay

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