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Lost In No Man's Land

lovingwifedeb's picture
Posts: 183
Joined: Aug 2010

May 27th, 2011, husband - melanoma
May 19th, 2011, mother - lung cancer

No matter what I do, think about or don't think about I'm in "no man's land". If I try to forget then I'm lost, not sure what to do with myself, with my life. If I start to think about what I've lost then I'm sunk...

I was mowing the lawn and broke the sprinkler pipe, I was so damn angry... I couldn't water until I fixed it and it's been so hot here lately. I'm trying to keep up with my house and yard. Nobody around. I remembered all the tubs of parts in the garage... I remember kind of how he did it... pissed to the gills I turned off the water, dug up the dirt around the pipe, found a wrench, found a new water pipe and started crying and then just got madder. Yes... I fixed it and Yes... I am ANGRY!

SOOOOOO.... I made a call to Hospice, they have classes on grieving starting and I'm going. My husband didn't even have time to use hospice! But I'm going anyway. No... I did not want to even admit I needed the help. This is not my "cup of tea". I'm quiet, shy and private. I was taught to "handle" my problems in private... I tell you, I'm having a hard time of it. When I tried to explain my feelings to someone else (at work) they just said "you're not really mad at Bob"...

Well... honey, yes... I am really mad at Bob! You bet I am! There! It's out there and I'm don't feel bad for saying it! I just wish he was still here to fix that damn pipe!

That's all I have to say... I will let you know how the class goes next week.


Posts: 131
Joined: May 2011

Deb, I have been to similar type of events already and they are very effective at managing grief. I was surprised just how angry I could get at anything and everything. I added some comments in surviving caregivers which is well worth a look. This is very normal if very unpleasant. I was so incredibly angry at Grace for leaving me alone to do everything. How dare she leave me to care for kids, shop and all those things she did that now I have to do. Angry at her failings, angry at everything. It has passed to acceptance and moving on now.

Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Deb,

Boy I hear you. Miss my Terry so much it causes physical pain. But I too at times get so frustrated with my new life I get angry with him. Had a difficult week at work this week. Was told by my manager that he feels I am sad and that I need to get some help. That Terry has been gone a year and I should be getting on with life. I told him I am sad and I am getting help and I was with this man for 35 yrs. I was very hurt by his comments and insensitivity. If Terry was still here, I would have given my notice on the spot. But not really in a position to walk away from the health insurance. How different life is without our husbands.

I went to a Young Widows Support Group after he passed away and it was very helpful. So I hope you find your group beneficial.

I think being angry at our husbands is normal. I say to my kids that it was probably a good thing that their dad went before me because I would never have wanted him to go through this. Hang in there Deb.

lovingwifedeb's picture
Posts: 183
Joined: Aug 2010

Yep... I am not the only one. We all shared in the group and we all broke down... hand the tissues please. Well, I knew that would happen and that was just one of the reasons I dreaded going in the first place. Who needs more crying anyway?

I do I guess... it keeps happening so I guess I'm not done, what do you think? It's a big world out there and I know intellectually I am not the only person who has lost someone. Look at this discussion board. But to be in the same room with hearts that break like mine do, well the energy in the room was thick and rich. I really don't know how to explain it except to say I hope by the time I am done I grow and am just a bit further in my acceptance.

For me anyway, a little lighter in burden, maybe not soooooo angry at being left behind.

As always thank you for listening.


Lisa13Q's picture
Posts: 683
Joined: Jul 2009

Lost my Mom 4 months ago.....didn;t want to go to a class....I have no desire to be vulnerable right now....I get the anger....I am angry at everyone and everything...mostly the doctrs who blew the diagnosis...and frankly blew the end of life stuff as well...maybe a group would help....i just don;t want to go

lovingwifedeb's picture
Posts: 183
Joined: Aug 2010

Grief classes aren't for everyone, just like counseling isn't for everyone. But I was beginning to feel so much anger for myself, for my husband and reacting angrily towards my boss that I knew I had to do something quickly. Therefore I had to reach out and ask for help and Hospice were the only people I could think of right away. My husband did not have time to use them but they were there for me when I needed them.

It's hard to talk without about my husband without getting emotional but to listen to everyone in the same boat as me is important just like it is here on this discussion board. Having personal contact is also important... there is energy in the room, but it is still personally hard.

This week's assignment is to write a letter to our loved ones who have passed. Although my mother passed a week before my husband I have not made room for her in my head, I can only focus on one person at a time in my grieving. It hit me really hard this assignment did... I was not able to say goodbye to my husband before he passed. I have unfinished things I wanted to say to him and it is tearing me apart I finally realized. Funny how I have pushed these feelings to the background. This grieving stuff is work, we can't ignore it, we do have to push through it to get to the other side of being healthier and happier.

Peace to all of you.

Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I guess all of us widows must feel the same way. I started crying cause the stupid toilet wouldn't stop running and Tom wasn't here to fix it. Today I was out raking the back yard where we have a frickin thornapple tree that I swear has a million apples on it this year. Tom always did that & had our yard spotless. Now it's up to me & it's so frustrating to have to do all this alone. I was even thinking of going back to see my counselor again cause it seems that now that it's been 18 months since I lost him that I've been having more sad days and all of a sudden the tears start.
What are we going to do? How are we going to make it without the loves of our lives?
It just doesn't seem fair that we have to go through this when this is the time of our lives that we were supposed to enjoy retirement and now it's just being alone.
Guess we just have to come here for support, huh?
We all have to be strong together and we'll make it. Hang in there! "Carole"

UKLady's picture
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

Hi Deb! so glad to hear you are going to classes. I work on a guided journal with a separate book, I shall mail you the titles if you would like, as well as counseling every two weeks.

I understand everyone's frustrations with practical maintenance, I found myself mid summer in Texas heat, late at night in the garden trying to do something quite simple but was hot tired and very angry with Steve to leave me *his* chores as well as everything else! I too have things I want to say to him, so I do and it really helps!

My trip back to the UK for three weeks helped enormously. I retraced some memories I had had with Steve over the years and tried to replace them with new ones with good and understanding friends.

I have been working voluntarily for a cancer community group for some months now,even when Steve was ill, presentations in hospitals for fund raising and some everyday work, and I feel this is healing. The support group helped me as caregiver and widow, so giving back of my time is the best way I know of thanking these good people who are so protective of me knowing what is coming next in my life.

I am about to be a caregiver to my mother in law- who was diagnosed as stage IV lung with mets to the brain, 6 months before Steve was, so I am glad I managed to mentally take a breath before the merry go round hits again, and is the reason for my timing to *go home* whilst I could, so I do wonder some times if this cancer word will ever leave my life. You only had days between your trials and tribulations Deb, at least I have had a few weeks respite.

"keep calm and carry on"

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Deb
So happy to see you posting. Congrats on knowing how to fix that pipe! Glad to hear you are now going to the grieving classes. My mom and I continue to write in our journal that we had started with my dad. Mom talks to Dad each night before she goes to bed. I agree, do not ignore it, learn how to deal with it. May our loved ones continue to R I P in heaven,and may we continue to receive the strength and peace we all need. Keep in touch!
Tina in Va

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