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abused caregiver

Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2011

My Mom is going through chemo ( and has finished radiation ) for multiple cancers. I moved in with her for 13 weeks as soon as she was diagnosed. I had to leave so that I could have a total knee replacement. I went immediately to her home upon release from the hospital and continue to live withher 4 days a week. I do everything, everything for her. I'm trying to balance taking care of her and getting my own physical therapy.

Last Sunday she said horrible things to me and threw me out of her house. She blamed me for everything wrong in her life AND personally attacked my husband and myself. After hours of trying to reason with her I left and have not been back but I have spoken with her on the phone. I cry constantly just from rethinking what she said. I don't know how this is going to turn out because my heart is shattered. She has done this to a lot of people and there are not many willing to re-enter the lions den.

I am prone to anxiety and depression to begin with and this has just made it worse. I don't know what to do or what else to say. I'm beaten up and in a funk.

bluerose's picture
Posts: 1102
Joined: Jul 2009

I don't have enough info on your situation to know what to say that might help you but from what you have said one thing is clear - you don't need abuse of any kind - no one does no matter what the situation is.

If you are prone to anxiety and depression you absolutely can't allow her to say those things to you, that is helping no one. Sounds like your Mother is stuck in a nasty anger stage that cancer patients go through - they go through many stages and anger is one. Sometimes we get stuck in one of the phases and need help to get out of it and that sounds like something your Mother could use right now.

I think you are going to have to remove yourself from the situation for awhile but before you do I would call her doctor and make an appointment to go in and see him or her and discuss this anger issue your Mother has and see if he can get in some support help to come in and check on your Mother and maybe to counsel her as well. Tell your Mother over the phone that she needs to get her anger under control, or whatever situation is bothering her the most, and until she can treat you with respect you are going to have to stay away. There is nothing wrong with you trying to protect yourself. Are you the only family member or friend who lives close? I know you said she has alienated many people so might have to get in a stranger who is medically trained to come in to do the basics or like I said counsel if she will allow that. Tell her you love her and want the best for her and you are trying to help but you won't be treated like this. If she continues to treat you badly on the phone you might have to hang up. You don't need to hear things that traumatize you. Not at all.

Another thing you can do for yourself is to see a good grief counsellor yourself. They may have some ideas as to how to handle your Mother.

I don't know how sick she is or what the situation is but bottomline is that you are no good to anyone if you are a basketcase from her abuse. You deserve to be treated with respect and she has to learn that. Yes it's a shame she is sick but that doesn't give her free reign to hurt people around her.

Let us know how it goes.



Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2011

thanks for your comments. i think its very important for all of us to remember that we deserve respect. i care so much about my husband and i want to be there for him, but i'm really sick of his selfishness and mental abuse.

Posts: 507
Joined: Apr 2010

There is no excuse for abuse.

but this may be a warning sign of other undiagnosed problems

being you stated MULTIPLE cancers some of them may be messing with her mind or such... thyroid for instance can make a whole mess of emotions and energy and alot of other things (i cant speak for other cancers i havent dealt with) but maybe its something related to the cancer... maybe its something that is not been diagnosed while they fight the cancers. when yo mention she has done this to alot of people... do you mean in the past year or 2 or all her life.

I knida understand some of the issues... my mother-in-law is afrade we will put her in an old folks home... where she grew up there were some real bad ones... there is no reason to put her in one of these places but for some reason she gets that german stuborness and things i am going to so she gets angry... and she looses lots of friends do to her anger.

if it is something NEW that you havent seen except in the past few years you need to find out if there is a medical reason. if she has always been that way i doubt if she will change this late in life

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