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Not good news today

jmaddox915's picture
Posts: 80
Joined: Nov 2009

I honestly am not sure why I felt like I needed to write this tonight. Maybe a selfish need to just get it out.

I was dx with Stage IV colon cancer in July of 2009. Since then it has been a roller coaster. Declared NED in April of 2010 only to find out in Sept 2010 that I have a recurrence in my ovary. I had surgery, did Xeloda and Avastin for 6 months and told again there is no detectable cancer. 4 months later, I have a recurrence in my colon and also in my abdomen. I had surgery this past Wednesday only to to be opened up and closed right back because of the activity in my abdomen.

I met with my oncologist today and will start Folfox 6 again on Wednesday. He basically told me at this point there are no chances for a cure and his main goal is to keep it stable. He said "it" will probably come back and this will be an ongoing cycle until...However, new technologies, meds, etc are coming out all the time, blah, blah, blah...I am 41 years old, I have a 7 year old little girl starting 2nd grade on Thursday and I have a wonderful husband...what the hell?!!!

I know there are people suffering with cancer of all ages. This is an awful disease and does not discriminate by age, race or sex.

I am just ANGRY right now.

Posts: 220
Joined: Dec 2009

I am so sorry to hear this.


Posts: 428
Joined: Jul 2011

You have every right to be angry. I feel angry often too. A stage 4 survivor gave me the advice that once you could accept dying, then you can start living. Good advice but I am not there in terms of my husband's illness. I know he's not there. I find the most comfort comes from the people on this board who just won't give up. Take all the time you need to feel sorry for yourself but that little girl is going to expect you to dust yourself off and be mommy. I hope and pray you will get better news soon. You deserve it. Lisa

Posts: 370
Joined: Aug 2011

You have a right to be angry. I'm sorry for your news.


Sundanceh's picture
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Recurrence is always where the real battle of cancer is fought. You've already said it yourself - "No Detectable" cancer cells. In todays's world, this is really all the best that we can hope for - and in truth, all the doctors can really tell us.

It's very hard to imagine that we can wipe out hundreds of millions to billions of cancer cells down to zero, isn't it? That's why recurrence is so tough to fight and as a stage IV myself, I've had recurrence 3x in just 7-years of active fighting.

I just finished writing my chapters on Recurrence and all that entails and today, I just finished he next chapter "The Chemo Wars" on chemo's ability and inability to completely eradicate our cancers.

Seeing your post was a stark reminder of why I wrote those chapters - it was for people like you.

After 7-years, I feel much like you do with regards to this being "The Pattern" for the rest of my days...Cancer - surgery and treatment - watch and wait, then repeat.

That's one of the reasons why we're Stage IV's. Our ability to recur is greter than the next guys, because, well...we've recurred, some of us like myself more than once....as I mentioned it's happened to me three times and counting.

Your anger is understandable and more to the point, it's what is needed right now. I've always skipped right past Denial and head straight to the Anger Stage when news of a recurrence hits you. It's like a natural, progressive cycle that we take each time we go through it.

Get it out of your system, at least for tonight. You did that by posting, that's good.

Don't ever think you won't be a future candidate for another surgery - I know too many people who were told this that have gone on to be sucess stories. You can do it. I'm heading towards my 8th year and still going.

It's early on the fight, cancer just bloodied your lip again - so taste it, then get angry at the cancer and then go for the cure again, or at least keeping getting "extensions of life" through your fight.

We've just got to hang on - even when we want to let go.

And remember, a second opinion from another onc could go a long way in easing your concerns about the current's guy plan for "stable."

Best Wishes!

PawPaw J
Posts: 34
Joined: Jul 2011

Im so sorry for your situation and this may sound crazy but by posting your feelings on this exact day and time might just help others to avoid what you are going through now. I am usually reading the prostate cancer site(just had open radical prostatectomy) for prostate cancer 13 days ago and I just noticed how many colorectal post there were and started to read them and came across yours immediately. I had a colonoscopy a few years ago with only 1 polip found and removed. Ive been putting off going back for another but after seeing all those affected by cr cancer, as soon as Im healed from this surgery I will be going to get another one. Who knows, you might have just saved me. I can understand your feelings of your little girl.I have a grandson 5 months old and I pray I will be able to watch him grow but I guess we never are sure of anything but we just have to somehow have faith and continue to be positive. I know I have started to enjoy life more and I am a much calmer person since my dx and it has changed my inner feelings dramatically. My wife says maybe thats why this happened to me now.Oh well maybe... Try to stay positive and know that there are many on this site praying for you and your family.

lisa42's picture
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

I'm so very sorry to hear all you've been going through. Feeling mad is very justified- it's not fair! I've had two recurrences myself & the last recurrence was 2-1/2 yrs ago & I'm still on chemo and nothing has gone away. It is scary. I'm doing what I can to add natural supplements to help my immune system so I can take the chemo (it does help my bloodwork/platelets), but I don't know what is next. I have to keep searching, as I don't want to accept that there's nothing that can make it go away.
It's a tough one- the only thing that keeps me going is my faith in Jesus- I couldn't have the mindset I do without that. This is not to say that I still don't get sad, angry, or that I don't cry- because I do feel all those things still & we have a right to! Especially when my kids get upset about it- that is really what kills me (I'm 45, was dx'd at 41, & I have 3 kids, ages 11, 15, & 18).

Hang in there & do you mind if I pray for you?


jmaddox915's picture
Posts: 80
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for your post. I would feel so blessed if you prayed for me. Even though the medical world right now is not sure what to do about this, I know God can intervene and do what we can't do.


tootsie1's picture
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

You have a right to be angry! It's a not a great hand you've been dealt. So be mad, be sad, be whatever you need to be. Let it all out! Then try to live as fully as possible!


Kathleen808's picture
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

You bet you have every right to be angry. You have already been through so much and here you go again. I pray that things get stable for you and you can find many joyful days with your daughter and husband.
We have many many good days in our family. Many days filled with joy and just regular family stuff. We also have about 4 days every two weeks when it is all about cancer. We are living with it and so grateful that my husband is fighting.

Thinking of you.


pepebcn's picture
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

But stable does not means the end! there are lots of people stable here living a comfortable life and who knows chemo can make wonders some times!.
Praying for you!.

Posts: 306
Joined: Jan 2010

To be ANGRY. Do what you have to do to get yourself steeled for the next steps.


jmaddox915's picture
Posts: 80
Joined: Nov 2009

A big thank you to all of you for allowing me to vent my feelings. It is hard for anyone else to understand how I feel except those that are in the battle. It is nice to have a place where you are not judged and can be honest with how I feel.

herdizziness's picture
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

I'm damn pissed at it too, I'm ticked off it's taking too many of my friends, that we get it much too early in our lives, I'm mostly angry that it affects too many of you that have young children at home.
Just keep on fighting, keep the hope (hey, I'm still here, and I'm not supposed to have been)and if it helps you by all means hold on and keep the faith.
We're all pulling for you and each other every day, every single day!!
Hugs to you,
Winter Marie

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