I am so sorry I am I such a basketcase......

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stayingstrongfortoday
stayingstrongfortoday Member Posts: 116
in Breast Cancer #1
It's a new week, my son's 14th birthday oh course I wake up crying and exhausted. I feel like I could just crawl out of my skin. I think I decided I am not going back to work, I will just let them deal with it I will stay home and focus on me/family and if my job isn't there when I return then it wasn't meant to be and I need FAITH that it will work out. But I am not doing so good with faith. I asked God yesterday if he was laughing at me, what I did to deserve really the last 5 years. I wanted a baby, I prayed, I got checked out, I got pregnant. He had all kinds of health problems, 5 days after he was born he was in surgery, he has Down syndrome. I don't care about any of that he is the baby I wanted and I love him so much so when he was 9 months old I find out I have stage 3 cancer? I know I am still here but damn it when does this crap stop??? I look around at the world and I am like "really?" freaking weirdos on tv eating rocks and sniffing gas and I AM THE ONE WITH CANCER? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but I wouldn't wish it on anyone of us either! Sorry I just need to vent, vent, vent. I have been forturnate the last few years to feel good. Now I am on Taxol and I feel like Sh*t. I want to feel good and I am so scared I never will again!!! I lost a friend to the same cancer in June she went downhill so fast, it's scary stuff.

Now that I vented I have a therapy appt. maybe that will make me feel better too. Ugh. I need a magic pill to fix it all!!!

Comments

  • jamiegww
    jamiegww Member Posts: 384
    #2
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    Sending you a big cyberhug!!!
    I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. You have every right to question why and if venting with us helps, then vent away. I hope your therapy appointment helps and I hope that some day you will be able to look back at this time in your life and feel some pride in having gotten through it.

    HUGS!!!
    Jamie
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #3
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    I wish I had a way to take
    I wish I had a way to take all your pain and struggles, put them away in a box never to be opened or looked at again. I don't even have words of wisdom or advice for you. But I do have ears that are wide open and willing to listen anytime, and I have a giant hug meant to give you the strength and courage you need to find those little bits of joy in your day.

    Hugs,

    Linda
  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #4
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    Please NEVER apologize
    for venting and sharing. That's what you need to do, especially with us. Congrats on your sweet angel. I know how hard life can be and getting diagnosed with an illness really feels unfair. Some people do crazy destructive things with their bodies yet seem healthy while some who are health conscience get sick. It doesn't make any sense.

    I asked God many questions myself, especially during the height of my treatment. I wished I would have had direct answers right then and there when I demanded them but I didn't. When I was ready to search for Him, did I find the promise that He wouldn't leave me and that gave me reassurance. I think it's the complete opposite, He isn't laughing, He's grieving alongside us.

    I hope that once you finish the Taxol, you WILL feel a whole lot better. Man, wouldn't it would be great if there was a magic pill out there?

    Sending you big hugs,

    Sylvia
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #5
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    Yes, vent and no need to
    Yes, vent and no need to apologize. You have a lot to vent about. It is hard to muster up faith when so much is weighing on you. It sounds like you are leaning toward taking care of YOU and that is a good thing. xoxoxoxo Lynn
  • Lynn Smith
    Lynn Smith Member Posts: 1,264 Member
    #6
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    lynn1950 said:

    Yes, vent and no need to
    Yes, vent and no need to apologize. You have a lot to vent about. It is hard to muster up faith when so much is weighing on you. It sounds like you are leaning toward taking care of YOU and that is a good thing. xoxoxoxo Lynn

    I will pray for you
    I will pray for you and I truly understand.I have been crying for 3 weeks.My problem was just taken care of today.I go for a biopsy tomorrow and firing the surgeon I had.Been with the group for over 40 years. Alot of other problems too.My stress put stress on my husband who doesn't understand.

    Like you I would never wish this on anybody and wonder when you get comfortable.Well I made up my mind we NEVER get comfortable.We always have this beast on our minds.

    Thinking of you and your family.When you are stressed it affects the family.I try my best to hide my tears from my husband but really he has never been dx with a life threatening disease like cancer.He doesn't understand me and I don't get alot of support.

    Prayers to you.

    Lynn Smith
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #7
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    Gabe N Abby Mom said:

    I wish I had a way to take
    I wish I had a way to take all your pain and struggles, put them away in a box never to be opened or looked at again. I don't even have words of wisdom or advice for you. But I do have ears that are wide open and willing to listen anytime, and I have a giant hug meant to give you the strength and courage you need to find those little bits of joy in your day.

    Hugs,

    Linda

    I want to echo what Linda
    I want to echo what Linda just said. She put it very well.
    Venting is a good outlet. We are here for you.
    Stef
  • dbhadra
    dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
    #8
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    Lynn Smith said:

    I will pray for you
    I will pray for you and I truly understand.I have been crying for 3 weeks.My problem was just taken care of today.I go for a biopsy tomorrow and firing the surgeon I had.Been with the group for over 40 years. Alot of other problems too.My stress put stress on my husband who doesn't understand.

    Like you I would never wish this on anybody and wonder when you get comfortable.Well I made up my mind we NEVER get comfortable.We always have this beast on our minds.

    Thinking of you and your family.When you are stressed it affects the family.I try my best to hide my tears from my husband but really he has never been dx with a life threatening disease like cancer.He doesn't understand me and I don't get alot of support.

    Prayers to you.

    Lynn Smith

    so hear you!
    I have been crying/screaming/depairing for a full month after my surgery and pathology report. I am getting my husband to take me to a mental hospital today as I am seriously frightened that I am going to attempt to kill myself. I have a lot of pills around the house and keep thinking that if I took the bottle, this would all be over and I wouldn;t have to suffer any more. Then I think that I could never do that to my children, then I think, how does it matter since I am going to die and leave them alone anyway???? one thing is clear, I need help, and pretty quickly too. So better to check in somewhere and be in a safe place.
    Laura
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #9
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    so sorry to hear you are
    so sorry to hear you are going through this....

    sending good thoughts your way..

    Denise
  • smalldoggroomer
    smalldoggroomer Member Posts: 1,184
    #10
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    I'm sorry you are having a
    I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it. If you need to vent go right ahead and vent away. This is our safe place. You can come here any time and vent, yell, cry, celebrate or just talk. You always have us. Take care darin Kay
  • stayingstrongfortoday
    stayingstrongfortoday Member Posts: 116
    #11
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    disneyfan2008 said:

    so sorry to hear you are
    so sorry to hear you are going through this....

    sending good thoughts your way..

    Denise

    thank you
    Thank you all, I am feeling much better. An hour with my therapist and new "plan" of action for the upcoming months has taken a weight off. I have to return to work until the paperwork is through and I am put on short term disability so I guess on Wed. when I trek off to work I will know if I am making the right decision. I asked them to hold off on the chemo until I am off work to better handle it. It will be ok.

    Laura I am sorry for what you are going through, I remember 3 years ago when I was diagnosed I thought for a minute about ending it all, but only for a minute. The chemo brain, aches, pains they will subside-- I am reminding you and myself. I always say I only feel like a cancer patient when I sit around and don't do much. I like to stay active and busy....but hell I AM a cancer patient and sometimes I just NEED to sit my rear end down and look around and just take it all in....the good, bad and ugly!

    It's amazing when you feel better, I think I am out of the house more today, my husband is off work so I feel a little better. This is the thing that bothers me about not returning to work. But it's ok I don't have to go to work....it's really ok my work is here in front of me. 3 kids and a husband who want me around for a long time.... :)
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #12
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    smalldoggroomer said:

    I'm sorry you are having a
    I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it. If you need to vent go right ahead and vent away. This is our safe place. You can come here any time and vent, yell, cry, celebrate or just talk. You always have us. Take care darin Kay

    Glad you came here to vent
    That's what we're here for. So sorry that things are not going well right now. I am sending positive vibes and prayers your way.

    Hugs, Renee
  • gami43
    gami43 Member Posts: 281
    #13
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    missrenee said:

    Glad you came here to vent
    That's what we're here for. So sorry that things are not going well right now. I am sending positive vibes and prayers your way.

    Hugs, Renee

    Vent,vent, vent all you want
    Vent,vent, vent all you want too. We all need to at times.
    I am sorry you are feeling so bad; but am so glad you have
    a therapist who is able to help you. We're all here for you
    and I am sending prayers & hugs your way.

    Teresa
  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    #14
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    Taxol made me feel horrible!
    Taxol made me feel horrible! I woke up hating the world and me too. Every negative thing was under the spotlight. And that was the chemo I thought would be easier. Part of what you're feeling is just the effects of the chemo so I'm glad you're holding off until you're at home. Therapy can be a wonderful mood lifter so I'm glad you're seeing someone who can put things in perspective for you even though this is certainly a tough road. Even Mother Theresa had problems with faith at times so don't be hard on yourself :)
    Hugs to you
    jan
  • sinee
    sinee Member Posts: 196 Member
    #15
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    Vent away
    This could be the title to a great book, how to get through cancer? Vent Away~hugs to you, and when you vent you give us all permission to vent ourselves, we know you will listen to us and want to give us a big ole hug too. Love to you, waving a magic wand over youre head right now..there did that help? if it did, dam, I'm good....your plate is full, take care of you as much as you can, rest as much as you can, and this will be a part of your history....sooon...{{{{hugs}}}}}
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #16
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    dbhadra said:

    so hear you!
    I have been crying/screaming/depairing for a full month after my surgery and pathology report. I am getting my husband to take me to a mental hospital today as I am seriously frightened that I am going to attempt to kill myself. I have a lot of pills around the house and keep thinking that if I took the bottle, this would all be over and I wouldn;t have to suffer any more. Then I think that I could never do that to my children, then I think, how does it matter since I am going to die and leave them alone anyway???? one thing is clear, I need help, and pretty quickly too. So better to check in somewhere and be in a safe place.
    Laura

    Laura, Here is a big hug.
    Laura, Here is a big hug. It WILL get better. xoxoxo Lynn
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
    #17
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    missrenee said:

    Glad you came here to vent
    That's what we're here for. So sorry that things are not going well right now. I am sending positive vibes and prayers your way.

    Hugs, Renee

    You are entitled to feel
    You are entitled to feel like a basketcase. Look at what you have gone thru and still are. So, you just come and vent anytime you want. We get it!


    Praying for you,


    Sue :)
  • dbhadra
    dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
    #18
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    sinee said:

    Vent away
    This could be the title to a great book, how to get through cancer? Vent Away~hugs to you, and when you vent you give us all permission to vent ourselves, we know you will listen to us and want to give us a big ole hug too. Love to you, waving a magic wand over youre head right now..there did that help? if it did, dam, I'm good....your plate is full, take care of you as much as you can, rest as much as you can, and this will be a part of your history....sooon...{{{{hugs}}}}}

    hope you are feeling better
    and, you are not a basketcase, you are a strong person who is going through a very difficult situation the best that you can. Glad that you are getting the help you need and so am I. I;m in an outpatient program to deal with the depression and just got put on the antidepressant Effexor. I feel better that I'm taking positive steps. We just need to keep taking small steps and we will get through to the other side of the rough phases!

    Laura

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