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It's Gettin to Me

Posts: 37
Joined: Jun 2010

Watching her strength, stamina, memory and just caring slowly disappear is really getting to me.

Going from a patient, do anything I can, caring husband when she's awake to an angry, resentful, don't give a **** about the world zombie when she is asleep.

I can't accept this torture she is having to endure as part of any plan or pre-determined life. It isn't right and no amount of preaching will EVER make me believe her life was meant to be this way.

She's fighting as hard as she can to maintain a little independence just to drive herself to the dr. I ask and almost insist to take her but for now she is trying to make it on her own.

My heart if aching watching her suffer and my heart is breaking because I can't do a damn thing to help stop it.

I'm tired of watching her suffer, tired of feeling helpless, tired of racking my brain trying to think of something, someone that can stop it, fix it and make her stop hurting.

.....and I'm especially pissed that her sister isn't doing more to comfort her with words of encouragement. No calls to check on her, no calls with words of encouragement, nothing! I mean come on, what happened to this close sis-to-sis, talked @ least twice a week on the phone relationship!?

I can say and do just so much that will have any impact on her well being. She needs a shoulder to cry on but not one of her so called friends has made any effort to contact her. She is suffering alone but for me and I will NEVER forgive her fair weather friends for not standing up when they were needed.

I'm getting more angry as I write , best I go now so I'll be calm when she gets back from drs office.


Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2011

This is my first post because I just had to let you know that I feel your pain. It is the hardest thing in the world to watch a loved one be in this kind of pain and turmoil. As for friends and family I agree where are they? She so needs them now. Is there a way that you could talk to one of her friends or sisters to come and just be there for her? Its so sad she shouldn't be without a friend at a time like this.

My husband is doing the same as your wife trying to do it all on his own and it is killing me to watch. He is just such a strong person and doesn't want to burden me and the kids.

You and your wife will be in my prayers.

palmyrafan's picture
Posts: 397
Joined: Mar 2011

I say that because you remind me of my husband, God Bless him. I am the patient, my husband is my caregiver. My husband is a wonderful, loving, patient, compassionate man. But he constantly wants to "fix" everything, including me. I have to remind him that he needs to "let go and let God" because he can't fix this.

As for family and friends? Most of my family won't call me (I live out of state from them), Why? I believe it is because they think that if I got brain cancer, it could be genetic and golly-gee-whiz, maybe they could get it too. I hear the excuses of "we don't want to bother you" Bother me already! "We don't want to wake you if you are napping", I'll call ya back! "We've just gotten so busy", Well, not so busy that you can't talk to the rest of the family! And the beat goes on.

Your wife is struggling to maintain her independence and control. When cancer patients (regardless of cancer type) are fighting the beast, we strive to maintain control, over anything we can. If your wife is capable of driving, let her drive. It will go a long way to providing the normalcy she wants and needs.

I would also suggest some type of counseling, either couples therapy with someone who is specially trained with chronic or long-term illness or singles therapy with a qualified provider as well.

I would also suggest that you take care of yourself. Pursue your own interests. Play music, read, golf, go out with friends. Whatever helps you remember that you are important too. Trust me, it does not help the patients if they feel that their partner is doing nothing but waiting to "fix them". Being attentive is great, but don't lose yourself in the process. Your wife will let you know when she needs you, but give her some time and some space and take care of yourself too.


Posts: 37
Joined: Jun 2010

Thanks Sharon & Teresa, your words mean much to my heart.

I just don't know how to think or feel anymore. My emotions are in chaos and the fear of seeing her suffer even more in the near future is draining me totally.

I've accepted the inevitable, it's the pain and hurt that is killing me.

It just infuriates me to watch a kind, caring and loving human being suffering through such pain. Even with pain meds she is hurting constantly. If she tries to take enough meds to kill or soften the pain she becomes a sleeping zombie.

All I want from life at this moment is for her not to hurt and be able to do some work in her flower garden. Just a reprieve for a while so she can have some semblance of pain free days.

When I realize it's never going to happen the anger rises like a swelling wave about to crest.

Thank you both for listening and sharing.

With respect and admiration,

lovingwifedeb's picture
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

Dear John,

How our hearts take a tumble... then tear... then come apart. If we didn't care our hearts would not be breaking would they? I know exactly what your wife is doing because she is behaving as my husband did. In fact he drove his Harley the week before he passed unknown to me... of course he didn't tell me because he wasn't supposed to be on it. The next week was his downfall... his brain hemorrhaged and he was gone.

You are not alone in this journey as a caregiver and your wife is not alone as a patient. It is a big fat mess this cancer world we live in and I am mad as a hornet at what it has taught me. I am angry that my dreams of living with the love of my life have been cut short as we had plans, plans of riding his Harley in our retirement years across our united states and seeing the country.

Friends? Family? Where are they now in my grief? They certainly didn't like hearing about the cancer, well they don't like talking about him now either.

Sorry... I'm ranting...

Love your wife, it doesn't matter who else is there really. She will make her life happen as she needs to. You just be there for her. But the others are right... you do have to take care of yourself, emotionally and physically.

If you would like to read about my journey you can go to my family blog:

Peace to you and yours.

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