Husband's anger -- embarrassed...
Since this journey started last October 2010, all of my thoughts and behavior have only been about him. My program's funding ran out and I should have been looking for alternate work but I could not even think about that -- all I could think about was cancer research, treatments, food he could eat, ways to add calories, how to make him smile, lotions for his feet and hands, rubbing his aching shoulders, invites to friends he loves so he could have more joy in his life, listening to his breathing while he was asleep, new meds to help him sleep better. This has been "our" disease although I know that I am not facing physical death -- I am facing the death of our 26 years of life together and that brings me to my knees. I have held his head as he cried. I have screamed to the heavens, myself.
Yesterday morning, I got up and saw him sitting at the dining room table, watching the cats play outside. The wheat fields were waving in the wind. Beautiful morning. blue skies. I noticed our unplanted veg. garden and told him I'd sprayed it three times with Round-up and would be tilling it soon to leave it fallow. His F-150 has a bed camper shell that last year he put on the garden area at the end of the season. As I need to work under it, I told him that I was going to be pushing it to the side a bit so I could work on the garden. He had told me the night before --- while I was cooking a pork roast for him until midnight -- that we couldn't put it back on the truck because we need to move the Fifth Wheel.
But, BLAM, when I mentioned moving the shell, he blew his top big time. I didn't anticipate it, know what triggered it or see it coming. He began yelling that "Not everything is all about you, you, you! The shell can't be moved..won't be moved.." and on and on. I just stood there and didn't say a word as I watched him exploding and walking away to the bedroom. I finally said, "WoW. What caused that? Please..I really don't appreciate being spoken to like that."
He slammed the bedroom door and yelled at the top of his voice "F**k you. You go to hell."
I was crushed but I quietly picked up my things that I use for work, drove into town yesterday and haven't talked to him since. One thing to add here is that my mother was a "yeller" and when I was young, I vowed I'd never be around people who lose it like she did. I am very uncomfortable around people who lash out at me.
He blew up on me Tuesday night, too, and stormed out of the living room and went to bed early.
He's not doing this with anyone else...just me. Neither of us have any family here. Our son -- 21 -- lives in Southern California. I have noticed that when friends call, he's fine with them..
Tomorrow -- the 4th -- is my birthday and I had hoped that we would be spending this entire weekend together as every moment with him is important to me. He loves the woods so I had arranged for us to be fishing on an Idaho stream in the woods today with another couple that are longtime friends. He was up for it. That was cancelled.
Has anybody else experienced these rages from their loved one's with cancer? I'm so hurt that he thinks "it's all about you" when I've put all of 'me' aside for him. Those words were akin to putting a lance in me...
I am so sad.
And so confused.
Comments
-
I'm sorry, nwsunni. This is unfortuately all too common.
I have no magic words for you. No way of fixing any of this for you. I so wish that I did. The only thing I can say is I don't think this has anything to do with you, but he is taking it out on you. It's not easy to feel sick, and out of contol, and to feel like you are living with a death sentence. With cancer you go through those same stages of grief, and it sounds like he is going through anger right now. I am not making excuses for his behavior, I guess just an explanation. Often we don't take things out on our friends, or other loved ones. But instead our spouse. That saying or song, 'you always hurt the ones you love...". Sad but seems so true.
I know men aren't very good at talking and expressing their fear, most of the time. It seems to get channeled into anger, like a fear aggressive animal or something. You know men, no weakness and no tears. Must be that whole provider thing still in there somewhere that has survived women's lib. At any rate, it sure hurts when it happens and they lash out at you. I don't know if you can talk to him, since I am a random stranger and have no insight to your relationship. I don't know you can try to come to him from a place of understanding, and and tell him that you will be by his side, however you can, but lashing out at you isn't acceptable. Or since I have no clue of past history if you want to let this one slide,
and if it happens again talk to him and address it. I can only give you my limited perspective. I am a cancer survivor, I am the caregiver of my 87 yr old grandmother who is not mentally all there. She will often say and do some pretty awful things to me. She has cursed at me and called me some pretty vile names at times. It sucks.
You can always come here to vent and for support. I don't know if you know that there is also a caregiver's board here that is separate from this one, that might be helpful for you too. Meanwhile, I hope some of the other caregivers can chime in and give you more help. I wish you both well, you are in my thoughts tonight. Sending you out love, light and blessings for your birthday tomorrow.0 -
Hi nwsunni
Oh, I am so sorry that you are taking the brunt of his illness. It is very difficult for a cancer patient, because they have no control of this beast. They need to control something, and lash out. For me - it was my home, cleaning, or having everything in its place. It is not an excuse, and there is no reason for you to be treated like that. He is very angry, and needs to talk to someone. I know I went thru the "Why me?" stage too. so many feelings, and I am sure he is feeling confused also. Maybe you could find someone, where he has his treatments done to talk to? They sometimes have support groups for caregivers which helps a lot. They can even talk with him during his treatment. Just inquire, usually they just pop in, without saying they were requested, and ask how the he is doing.
Sweet said everything right on point. I am so sorry you have to endure his anger, because you are going the extra mile to do it all! Maybe things will look brighter in the morning, and you can have a happy birthday. I wish I could be of help. I pray for better days ahead, and happier times.I know others here will step, you are in the right place for answer. God bless you! Love & Prayers, Patty0 -
That..................sweetblood22 said:I'm sorry, nwsunni. This is unfortuately all too common.
I have no magic words for you. No way of fixing any of this for you. I so wish that I did. The only thing I can say is I don't think this has anything to do with you, but he is taking it out on you. It's not easy to feel sick, and out of contol, and to feel like you are living with a death sentence. With cancer you go through those same stages of grief, and it sounds like he is going through anger right now. I am not making excuses for his behavior, I guess just an explanation. Often we don't take things out on our friends, or other loved ones. But instead our spouse. That saying or song, 'you always hurt the ones you love...". Sad but seems so true.
I know men aren't very good at talking and expressing their fear, most of the time. It seems to get channeled into anger, like a fear aggressive animal or something. You know men, no weakness and no tears. Must be that whole provider thing still in there somewhere that has survived women's lib. At any rate, it sure hurts when it happens and they lash out at you. I don't know if you can talk to him, since I am a random stranger and have no insight to your relationship. I don't know you can try to come to him from a place of understanding, and and tell him that you will be by his side, however you can, but lashing out at you isn't acceptable. Or since I have no clue of past history if you want to let this one slide,
and if it happens again talk to him and address it. I can only give you my limited perspective. I am a cancer survivor, I am the caregiver of my 87 yr old grandmother who is not mentally all there. She will often say and do some pretty awful things to me. She has cursed at me and called me some pretty vile names at times. It sucks.
You can always come here to vent and for support. I don't know if you know that there is also a caregiver's board here that is separate from this one, that might be helpful for you too. Meanwhile, I hope some of the other caregivers can chime in and give you more help. I wish you both well, you are in my thoughts tonight. Sending you out love, light and blessings for your birthday tomorrow.
was a Hall of Fame response. Reading that reminds me of how I felt two years ago, and how much my great wife had to go through in trying to keep me alive and focused on finishing my treatment. And nwsunni. We just constantly need your help and support during the worst moments of our life. Thanks Dawn.
Larry0 -
Hi nwsunni
I can’t say I am sorry enough to my wife caregiver for the way I treated her during my first treatment. I was very bitter with her and everyone around me in fact all my friend stop coming to see me and most of my family stopped as well. But one thing I never did was to curse her out; I was just mean because I did not understand what was happening to my body. After my treatment was finished I asked her why no one comes to see me anymore and she told me why, but I could not remember acting the way she told me I did.
When the cancer came back and I had to do treatment again I promise her one thing that I was not going to act like I did before. The treatment was very hard the second time, but she stood right there by my side all the way. Sometimes I would get a little hard headed mostly when it came to eating, but with out her I could have never did it.
I know that both of you are going through some very difficult times right now. Somehow your husband needs to realize like I did that my best friend is my wife caregiver. We will make 37 years together this August, I am still a little hardheaded at times but I love her more today than ever. I hope your husband can wake up in time to see the real beauty in the Caregiver Wife he has.
Praying for your husband
Hondo0 -
Very Sorry
nwsunni,
I'm sorry to hear that on top of everything else, you have to put up with verbal abuse, too. As you've seen, cancer patients very often lash out at those nearest them, even though they're the least deserving of such shoddy treatment.
I hope you are able to let your hubby know how hurtful some of his actions have been. I'm just guessing he's upset that he can't physically do what needs to be done for his truck maintenance and your garden. But, having said that, I think that having more than his fair share of pain, fear and frustration does not give him carte blanche to dump on you. Hopefully, he might consider some sort of counseling - it's not a sign of weakness. I was very much focused on myself, and what I needed during my treatment - but then again, I did not have a caregiver, and I wasn't mean to anyone (even the ones I thought deserved to have someone be mean to them). During the times when I was at my worst emotionally, I just didn't expose others to me by keeping holed up until I was feeling better. If you have a local cancer support center, he may be able to join and speak with other patients and hear how some of his feelings are common, and how others have dealt with them. For instance, several people here on this site have admitted they were not as kind as they should have been to their caregivers, and greatly regret their transgressions toward the people who were their greatest support. My cancer support center has a group for caregivers, as well - helps them have a safe place to "vent", and get helpful tips, too.
I hope things start easing up.
Happy Birthday! Or, at least, I hope it will be. Sorry to hear the trip was nixed - it sounded like a great time. Let us know how things go for you.0 -
So Sorry
Nwsunni:
I am so sorry you're having to endure your husband's lashing out at you. I lost my husband last Aug. 21 to this beast. He was diagnosed in 2008; had chemo and radiation and did great until this time last year and it had come back with avengence and spread. I have to say that I can't imagine what you're going thru as Charlie never lashed out at me! Oh, he would get aggravated when I would constantly mention what about this, what about that, etc., etc. but he always said I know you love me and you're trying to help but you're driving me crazy! Just let me work this out on my own. I was truly blessed. I did tell him during one treatment last summer that if he didn't change his tone with me, this office was going to see a side of me that they never knew existed. He looked at me and started laughing and said, "I'd better shape up huh?" I wish there was something I could do or say that would help you. I think in my case, I was such a basketcase that Charlie did all he could to shield me from how he really felt sometimes. We were married 35 years last June and he was my life. We didn't have any children except the four footed kind (dogs). I will be keeping you and hubby in my prayers. Our oncologist's office does offer a psychologist that comes 1/week and works with cancer patients and their families. Maybe you could check into something like that and some churches have cancer support groups. I truly hope your husband can work this out as your time together is so precious! Like the others have said, you can come here anytime to vent and there is always a multitude of support here. I tell them all the time I don't what I'd do without my csn buds! God Bless!
Jan (Basketcase)0 -
Hi Sweetb -- Thanks so muchsweetblood22 said:I'm sorry, nwsunni. This is unfortuately all too common.
I have no magic words for you. No way of fixing any of this for you. I so wish that I did. The only thing I can say is I don't think this has anything to do with you, but he is taking it out on you. It's not easy to feel sick, and out of contol, and to feel like you are living with a death sentence. With cancer you go through those same stages of grief, and it sounds like he is going through anger right now. I am not making excuses for his behavior, I guess just an explanation. Often we don't take things out on our friends, or other loved ones. But instead our spouse. That saying or song, 'you always hurt the ones you love...". Sad but seems so true.
I know men aren't very good at talking and expressing their fear, most of the time. It seems to get channeled into anger, like a fear aggressive animal or something. You know men, no weakness and no tears. Must be that whole provider thing still in there somewhere that has survived women's lib. At any rate, it sure hurts when it happens and they lash out at you. I don't know if you can talk to him, since I am a random stranger and have no insight to your relationship. I don't know you can try to come to him from a place of understanding, and and tell him that you will be by his side, however you can, but lashing out at you isn't acceptable. Or since I have no clue of past history if you want to let this one slide,
and if it happens again talk to him and address it. I can only give you my limited perspective. I am a cancer survivor, I am the caregiver of my 87 yr old grandmother who is not mentally all there. She will often say and do some pretty awful things to me. She has cursed at me and called me some pretty vile names at times. It sucks.
You can always come here to vent and for support. I don't know if you know that there is also a caregiver's board here that is separate from this one, that might be helpful for you too. Meanwhile, I hope some of the other caregivers can chime in and give you more help. I wish you both well, you are in my thoughts tonight. Sending you out love, light and blessings for your birthday tomorrow.
Hi Sweetb -- Thanks so much for the thoughtful response. I was feeling so very alone and you helped me feel understood (finally!). From what I have read here and elsewhere, I suspect the chemo is altering his personality and he's not aware of it. I've decided that I have to buck up and let his anger just roll over me, even though I'm someone who has a "flight" reaction in the face of anger. I did try talking with him but I didn't get very far. He's a country boy (with a dad who was a university veterinary scientist) and I'm a city girl from Los Angeles.....and, in this case, the stereotype is right on. So the cancer is taking him to a place emotionally that he just doesn't go (like helplessness and not in control and being weak.) When he was dx last October 2010, he had a tonsil with a small tumor and one lymph node that was malignant. The oncologist told us that given his health/age and that only one node was malig, that his prognosis was really bright. When he shocked everyone here, including his doctors, by having mets to both of his lungs four months later....and was terminal... it was almost too much to take. Last week he told the onc that he was thinking of stopping chemo because he couldn't enjoy what life remains to him and do chemo -- and the onc told him that was fine and he'd admit him to hospice. When his doctor told him that, his silence was huge. The news was once again earth-shattering. I suspect there's a place in both of us where we think that he'll be fine soon, as was expected last October. But that t'aint the case.
I think the path ahead for me and, of course, him, is going to get harder. I bet I'm going to need this forum to talk myself through it. I am finding that my non-cancer friends really don't understand although they try and are of good hearts. This is all so very surreal.
I accept your love, light and blessings! I can feel them! Thank you..thank you...0 -
Hi Pettyany, Hondo, Pam, Jan, CajunEagleJan Trinks said:So Sorry
Nwsunni:
I am so sorry you're having to endure your husband's lashing out at you. I lost my husband last Aug. 21 to this beast. He was diagnosed in 2008; had chemo and radiation and did great until this time last year and it had come back with avengence and spread. I have to say that I can't imagine what you're going thru as Charlie never lashed out at me! Oh, he would get aggravated when I would constantly mention what about this, what about that, etc., etc. but he always said I know you love me and you're trying to help but you're driving me crazy! Just let me work this out on my own. I was truly blessed. I did tell him during one treatment last summer that if he didn't change his tone with me, this office was going to see a side of me that they never knew existed. He looked at me and started laughing and said, "I'd better shape up huh?" I wish there was something I could do or say that would help you. I think in my case, I was such a basketcase that Charlie did all he could to shield me from how he really felt sometimes. We were married 35 years last June and he was my life. We didn't have any children except the four footed kind (dogs). I will be keeping you and hubby in my prayers. Our oncologist's office does offer a psychologist that comes 1/week and works with cancer patients and their families. Maybe you could check into something like that and some churches have cancer support groups. I truly hope your husband can work this out as your time together is so precious! Like the others have said, you can come here anytime to vent and there is always a multitude of support here. I tell them all the time I don't what I'd do without my csn buds! God Bless!
Jan (Basketcase)
Hi Pettyany, Hondo, Pam, Jan, CajunEagle ---- I am so very touched by all of the words that each of you have written to me, a stranger. While I have heard so many people complain about the negative effects of the internet, there was a time not so long ago when I would have never had the slightest opportunity to make your acquaintance. I am grateful that you took the time out of your lives to reach out and hug me and to help lessen the pain I have been feeling. Please do read what I wrote to SweetB.. it's meant for each of you, also. I do know that I'm going to be back here often as the months ahead unfold. I'm going to try to be very strong but the support is so helpful. Amazing what talking to others can do for the soul. THANK YOU so very, very much for caring..0 -
Dear nwsunni
This is called FEAR. It is so hard to find out you have the nasty SOB cancer. It will scare the daylights out of you, and I suppose even moreso if you have always held the reins of your life, been the captain of your ship. You are hurting, not only because of the mean words from your best friend. You are also hurting FOR him and for you because, in my humble opinion, you are afraid. Fear makes me angry too. You have found a soft spot for releasing your emotions here with these wonderful, upbeat folks. It is just so hard to grasp, so alien.
The I love you's, the smiles, the trying to understand; that stuff will mean the most. Especially to you right now and ultimately to your husband. Fear and lack of being able to call the shots, what a test! For anyone.
I wish you strength through understanding, and well, it sure does seem you already have plenty of love.
God Bless
Ruby0 -
Husband's Anger
There is not a lot I can add to the posts others have made except to say that your husband's anger is normal. He feels safe with you and knows you will love him no matter what so he can express his anger. He has every right to be angry and sad as he is facing the end of his life but yelling at you is not ok. I hope you have someone you can confide in and spend time with as you will need this support in the coming months. Of course, we on the forum are here for you too. Take care. Karen0 -
Anger
I am sorry that you are having a hard time with the cancer and your husband.
I recognize myself in the early days of my original diagnosis (1993) as how I also treated my husband. There was no excuse for my behavior; however, my husband still tells me that he understands it is the cancer talking, not me. Very important to understand the difference. It is the cancer talking, not your husband.
Your husband also feels like he has lost control over his own life. He is trying to control ANY aspect of his life he can, no matter how small it is. To you, the truck cap might not be that big of an issue but to him it is everything. It is the one thing he can control and control it he will.
I also know that being a caregiver is not easy. The fact that you have been married as long as you have speaks to your love and commitment to each other. Please don't lose sight of that. My husband reminds me that "he enlisted, but I was drafted" by the cancer and that he knows the true me and tries not to let my bad days (few and far between) affect how he treats me or how he feels about me, even if I seem to be a bit of my rocker on those days.
Please know that we are always available to chat with and there are caregiver's groups available as well. Sometimes, just letting having someone else as a sounding board helps.
Peace.0
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