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Life Celebration Over... What Now?

lovingwifedeb's picture
Posts: 183
Joined: Aug 2010

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.  Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.  ~Flavia Weed, Forever
I have been avoiding my computer, my one outlet of release has been writing and expressing my feelings and then sharing them with Bob, the one person who could accept me what life has to offer after all these years together. Only he could hear my words, only he could console me.... damn it anyway. There are poets that write songs about this subject... beautiful music to sooth my crying soul. There are writers whose stories enthrall me page by page with tender words that I can identify with, I can tell they have experienced the journey first hand. How do I write about this after all I have talked about melanoma and it’s fight? We lost it’s battle... My heart is breaking as I look at this white page wondering where my life will lead me now, how do I pick up the pieces?
Bob’s Celebration of Life was held at our home on Saturday, June 18th. He would have not liked all the fuss we made but I do know he would have been impressed with the turn out. He would not have thought he was important enough, he was a very private and humble person. Bob didn’t brag about himself but if you asked for help he certainly would the first one to help you out. As usually we had a rainy Saturday in Oregon but that is typical when you try to plan an event for outside. It worked out well though, everyone got to see our home and all the things Bob and I have been working so hard over the last 12 years. I had his Harley proudly displayed in the garage with all his tools and pictures so everyone could see exactly what he was all about.
I will miss my partner, my driving force, the anchor in my life. I hope someday I can make some sense of all this and look back and see just what it all means in my life and his. I just know now that my heart sees no lessons in my struggle now. The unfairness of this journey of tearing two people apart is totally one sided and that is the release of Bob’s pain and misery. The better place to be is beside me not away from me and that is how I see it, that is the selfish side of me. But that last week in the hospital told me it was time to let go... it was time for Bob to move on and find another house to build, another sanctuary full of peace and light and love. I hope his hands are full of nails and he is hammering for the big guy because I expect to see something spectacular, I expect to see the best sunset in my life.
And... I hope Bob takes me on that last Harley ride we talked about, the desert ride... the wind and sun against our faces with no worries forever more.
Peace To All,
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