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Forever Changed

MissTodd's picture
Posts: 28
Joined: Jan 2011

Can you see the change in me? It may not be that obvious to you.

I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore.

But I do cry. When everyone has gone, when it is safe the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family won't worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.

I'm active in my church. I sing the hymns. I listen to the sermon. You tell my you admire my strength and my positive attitude.

But, I am not strong. I feel that I have lost control, and panic when I think about tomorrow...next week...next month...next year.

I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. I drink coffee and smile. You tell me you're glad to me I'm "over" the death of my loved one.

But, I am not "over" it. If I get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same. At times I think I am beginning to heal, but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart.

I visit my neighbors. You tell me you're glad to see I'm holding up so well.

But I'm not holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock my door and hide from the world.

I spend time with friends. I appear calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You say it's good to see me back to my "old self."

But I will never be back to my "old self." Death and grief have touched my life, and I am forever changed.


luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

When someone says,"glad to see you are over your loved one's death", I feel that they have never lost a loved one to death. We know that you never get "over it".

Behind our closed doors, in the dark of the night, we cry, we miss, we can't see tomorrow. We will probably continue to feel these feelings for the rest of our lives, in varying degrees.

But we must also never lose hope that one day it won't hurt so much. One day we will fall asleep without having cried ourselves to sleep. One day we will see tomorrow and even look forward to it.

When this day truly comes, it will not be because we are "over it". It will be because we have healed and know in our hearts that this is what our loved ones wanted for us.

I continue to anticipate that day when a smile comes across my face at the thought of my beloved husband, and already have begun to sense this. He would not want for a memory of him, a special date, an object that he liked especially, to bring so much sorrow to me for the rest of my life.

Keep going, dear one. I just know that we will get there one day in the near future.


MissTodd's picture
Posts: 28
Joined: Jan 2011

I too look forward to that "one day" I know it will take time but it will come..


Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Once we've lost the loves of our lives, of course our lives have changed. We try to go on and maybe put up a front, so people think we're doing okay. But when we're alone, our tears flow again cause our loves aren't there. I guess all we can do is remember all the happy times we had with them and thank God for giving them to us.
It's hard to go on but there's nothing we can do to change this new life we're forced to live. No one knows until they've gone through it how hard it is to move on.
Take care! Carole

Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

So true...we will never be the same. Not only do I miss my husband so so much, I miss the person I use to be. There is no zest for life. Wonder if it will ever come back again or is this who I am forever. It will be a year next week, June 14 since he has been gone. Things are a little better but life is a task. Sorry to be a downer, I think it is the first anniversary that has me down. Thought I would be better than this by now.

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