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Have never felt so lost...

crowsdarklove's picture
Posts: 4
Joined: May 2011

Been one of 2 caregivers for my friend with pancreatic cancer. Not too much longer, it's getting harder for him to breathe and he hasn't eaten in days. Has had very little to drink in the last 3 days. Hospice nurses say at this point just let him do what he wants. He barely makes sense anymore, and when we can understand him it sounds like he's reliving his childhood. Some of it has been funny, but the more we laugh the more we realize how little of Jack we have left. Then, another piece of the world shatters like a mirror, into shards that won't stop cutting...another friend of ours was found dead in her apartment, after days of no one being able to get in contact with her. Her dad found her body, looks like suicide. She quit her job and then was found dead. These two friends didn't know each other, and we never saw the suicide coming. This is so much all at once. And I won't get to attend a service of any kind for either of them. Our friend with cancer wants to be cremated with no ceremony or anything. The friend who committed suicide is being flown back to upstate New York where the family plot is. I am all the way down in central Florida. I can't sleep even though I should be exhausted. It's almost midnight and I have been up since 4 am. All I can think of is Jack and that the phone is going to ring in the middle of the night. I have both mom's cell phone and mine beside me because I don't want her to wake up to that call, even though I will have to tell her. I feel like I am going to totally lose it...I do have insurance and I know I should probably be seeing someone but I am terrified of seeing someone for anything psych related. I could keep talking all night but I would just be rambling. Just so lost and wandering through my mind, and I can't get out of the pain...

Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

CDL, please know that you are not alone. You are dealing with a lot - accept that and understand it comes at a cost, albeit, what should be a temporary one. Be gentle with yourself.

You are describing Jack's dying process with such warmth and understanding. That is such a good thing. He has been blessed by having you and your mom in his life and I'm sure he knows that. When the time comes and Jack does pass away the fact he wants to be cremated and not have a formal service does not mean you and your mom and others can't get together and have a meal and celebrate Jack's life. All of you need some type of closure.

The friend who committed suicide: I can not only sympathize with you there, CDL, I can empathize. I am a multiple suicide survivor. Dependent upon how close you were to the friend, you may need either short term or long term mental health care yourself. Please know there was nothing you could do to prevent this: it is a singular act of a singular person who makes an irreversible decision based on some factors you may have known and some factors you will never know. It is not now nor was it ever in your hands.

Sounds like they are taking her home for burial which is appropriate. Again, however, you need to find a way to have closure. If you cannot go to the service, send sympathy cards, make phone calls, take a cake to her father/family - something, anything to make you feel you have honored your friend.

Hugs, crowsdarklove - we are here if you need us.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I, too, am sorry that I didn't see this sooner. You are a good friend. Suicide is had to deal with especially because friends and family often don't see it coming. You may very well need help to get through the grieving for both of your friends. Don't be afraid of getting that help. Grief groups are often very good. Check out those in your area. Also, even if you are unable to go to either service, you and friends can gather to remember you friends. It doesn't have to be a service. It can be a time for sharing over a meal or whatever. Maybe you can light a candle and say a prayer or two. Memorial services are really for the living. They need not be formal. Just find a way to remember and honor your friends so you can grieve in your own way. Take care, Fay

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