Looking for a mental health check
OK, that is so not happenng!!!! but whats wrong with hope? I want someone to tell me that kicking and screaming, looking for any positive light in all of this is wrong. I sit and wonder when having an ill mother became the normal resting state for me, for my family? When did this all become routine and another cog in the wheel of our lives? I need to find some way to intelligently get through this.
We have yet another care meeting Tuesday at noon and I bet anyone here a twenty that he is going to tell us a second line chemo is not a good idea. There will be another twenty for anyone that bets both my sister and I will likely go off the deep end. I am at the point my nerves are stretched thin and my ability to be polite is totally gone.
I understand she is a patient to him, but to her children she is everything. She is the center of a universe so far out of whack that we are all reeling in one fashion or another. I was helping her chnage for bed the other night and her frail appearance just about unhinged me. I finished and tucked her snugly under the blankies, went to my truck and sobbed like a small child. My mommy, the woman who has shaped me in to the woman I am, is dying and nobody can help me understand it. I want to understand so that my heart can stop this terrible aching.
I would give anything to make her better, to buy her time. Is that wrong? Am I being selfish? So many of you are fighting so hard and being so brave. I am humbled and shamed to be typing such a pathetic post, but I think I might be losing my hold on reality somedays. I might be falling into an abyss. The bottom looks good and that scares the hell out of me.
Comments
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Whoever said that we always
Whoever said that we always have to be a bright smiling ray of sunshine all the time did not have Cancer or a family member with it.
You are not being selfish. If it were selfish, we would not have chemo. We all want to live and have our loved ones live also.
Your post is anything but pathetic. It shows a daughters love and courage in a time of heartache.
Talk and cry with your sister and mom. Find a trusted friend to cry with. If you feel like that small child that needs her mommy, than go to your mommy. Mom's want to give comfort to her children even when they need it themselves.
It is a weird thing with moms, the more comfort we can give, the more comforted we are.
Please keep us posted and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Lori0 -
Huge hugs
to you Anita, it seems at the moment that your poor mum is suffering more than mine but I know just how your emotions are when you have a mum with cancer. I seem to only cope by distancing myself at the moment, by that I mean I talk about it to mum and give her hugs but it is as if I am talking about someone else, this is not really happening to my mum or us, this of course becomes harder when they start to look frail and need care. How is your mum coping? My heart goes out to you all X0 -
DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF
No one can ever plan or anticipate how they will react to what is put before them. Doubts, fears, and AND hope all share a spot in that gray matter, bursting out when you least expect it. These 'feelings', valid or not, can get the better of you. Understanding that ALL of it is perfectly normal and expected during this difficult time, helps you to sift through it all and get back on track to what truth really is.
When I was diagnosed with OVCA, my dear mother was determined to be at every appointment, every chemo, every test. She whiled away the hours with me while I had my infusions, always packing a small lunch so I was sure to have something to eat. She kept me occupied with crossword puzzles, reminiscing about the past, talking about my daugthers. All the while I knew how difficult this was for her - she was always the worrier in our family. But she remarked again and again, 'Monika, I could never do what you have done, I'm not that strong'. My response to that was, 'I know you can always do whatever you need to do, Mom, because I got my strength from you and Dad!'
How ironic (or not) that four years later she would be fighting her own battle with metastisized colon cancer. I told her right then and there, 'Mom, we will do this together - you will get through this'. She was stoic, and fought, but there came a time when she didn't want to go through it anymore. For myself, having the strong faith that I do, and being the eternal optimist that I am, still had Hope, still walked each day as if things would get better, but with the realization that it may not. No, I was not in denial. At times I got angry inside. Sometimes I asked 'why', but knew that I may never have an answer, other than this is the order of things.
Either way, I knew that having this time with my Mom was a true blessing. My sister and I took care of her, just as you and your sister are doing, and it was an honor to know that we could do for her as she had done for us all her life. Regardless of my 'feelings', regardless of the pain I was feeling, I felt I was going to face this with her, see her through it - I love my Mom.
Your mother's doctor deals with this all the time. Some have more compassion than others. They will never be able to tell you 'why'. And even if they could, it would only make you question yourself more - could I have done more, why didn't I. . .? Yes, this is your Mommy. And yes, it hurts so bad. When my mother passed away, my sister and I were both present. My heart hurt so bad, literally. The pain was unbearable. In time (a long time later), I was able to begin to appreciate those final moments, knowing that we helped her enter into Heaven, just as she brought us into this world. Now, that pain is replaced with fond memories - my husband, children and I laugh about some of the things my Mom did, the good times, and for my Dad, too.
Please don't be hard on yourself. Allow yourself those 'moments', then just move on from there. You are not selfish, not pathetic, your are human. Spend this time just working through each moment. Don't look back - it creates depression. Don't look forward - it breeds anxiety. Live in the moment. I will pray for you for strength and peace, and for your sister and Mom. Visit is ANYTIME to vent. We're here for you.
(((HUGS)))
Monika0 -
So Sorry
I am the forever optomist even when faced with the reality of the situation. I don't mean to give you false hope but I have read stories of women being sent home to die and they defy the odds and survive but they are not the norm. So have hope but prepare yourself that you are going to help your Mom deal with this.
You are brave let me tell you I am glad it is me dealing with the cancer and not the other way around. I believe it is much harder on the caregiver. You can only deal with one day at atime when things are this intense. Love her ,listen to her and yes let her comfort you she needs to know you will be alright.
Colleen0 -
Dear Anita
My heart goes out to you....it is absolutely gut wrenching to watch our mothers be overtaken by this disease....yes, tucking them in at night, helping them to the bathroom...bedside commodes....words cannot describe the feelings of watching the woman who was once the goddess of the world deteriorate slowly in front of us...tears in the truck seems apt to me.....i was furious when the doctors were not being honest with Mom...I am now furious that they are....sister buys more spaghetti sauce than required for a gang of Italian Construction workers...and the hens in NY are going on strike because they can't keep up with her need for omelettes for a mother who can't eat...this is a hard process....probably one of the hardest you will ever undergo...I know that I only have the capacity to do this on such a gut wrenching level once in my life....so I am also going to enjoy it, live it, honor it as much as I can as well....there is something bittersweet in it don't you think? it is sad, but I am also finding amazement at many turns....like my mother's sharp blue eyes as lively as can be despite her body condition.....her mind is as sharp as a tack and she can still throw out an insult like a pro......when I make her laugh, her pain is diminished, if only for a second, but lessened still.....this is true love.....you are sane....you just love your mother....0 -
Oh Anita. , I can totally
Oh Anita. , I can totally relate to your post, funny , I only sat there today looking at mum thinking I was going to wake up shortly and this whole thing would have been a dreadful nightmare........I wish!!!!
Fight with everything you've got to get your mum the treatment , you have to be her best advocate.
You are not mad!!!!! these are feeling I have loads, it's not fair , why mum , and this can't be happening to us! Selfish maybe? But our mums are far to young to go anywhere yet, and who wouldn't want to prolong the time we have left. this whole situation sucks beyond all believe!
Good luck to your mum xxx
Liz xxx0 -
Anita....I read posts likeMum2bellaandwilliam said:Oh Anita. , I can totally
Oh Anita. , I can totally relate to your post, funny , I only sat there today looking at mum thinking I was going to wake up shortly and this whole thing would have been a dreadful nightmare........I wish!!!!
Fight with everything you've got to get your mum the treatment , you have to be her best advocate.
You are not mad!!!!! these are feeling I have loads, it's not fair , why mum , and this can't be happening to us! Selfish maybe? But our mums are far to young to go anywhere yet, and who wouldn't want to prolong the time we have left. this whole situation sucks beyond all believe!
Good luck to your mum xxx
Liz xxx
Anita....I read posts like yours and feel like I am looking thru a window, into the future, and getting a glimpse of what my own children will have to go thru, if my cancer returns and overpowers me. My heart just breaks for you.
There is nothing wrong with being hopeful. And you are not selfish for wanting to give your mom more time. Far from it. Your anguish speaks volumes about your love and devotion. My mom didn't die from cancer, but my (late) husband did. I understand how you feel. I have always said that hope dies last.
Have you taken your mom for a second opinion? I think at the very least that might make you feel better. Some of us need to know that we have done everything we can. I'm like that, too. Giving up is just not in me.
This is the very cruelest type of cancer. It gives us hope, then snatches it back, time and time again. I hate this horrible disease!!!!!!!!
Carlene0 -
All of you help my gripHissy_Fitz said:Anita....I read posts like
Anita....I read posts like yours and feel like I am looking thru a window, into the future, and getting a glimpse of what my own children will have to go thru, if my cancer returns and overpowers me. My heart just breaks for you.
There is nothing wrong with being hopeful. And you are not selfish for wanting to give your mom more time. Far from it. Your anguish speaks volumes about your love and devotion. My mom didn't die from cancer, but my (late) husband did. I understand how you feel. I have always said that hope dies last.
Have you taken your mom for a second opinion? I think at the very least that might make you feel better. Some of us need to know that we have done everything we can. I'm like that, too. Giving up is just not in me.
This is the very cruelest type of cancer. It gives us hope, then snatches it back, time and time again. I hate this horrible disease!!!!!!!!
Carlene
All of you help my grip tighten and my resolve strengthen, for that I thank each of you.
Other doctors agree that a second line of chemo would be ok, its going to either kick the cancer into a remission of sorts or kick the hell out of mom. I see no reason to not try, this cancer is not in her major organs as of April 21st!!!! My siblings seem to think the second line may be to much, hell the cancer will kill her for sure!!!!! I look at her, so alert and smiling, laughing with us..my heart it feels frozen. I just cannot believe she has cancer. Mom wants to try another chemo, she has the right to try and IMO the doctor is obligated to help her in that process.
We are going to do this, if it takes getting another team of specialists to help us..we will do it. Hope is all we have, it is what makes us human. That glimmer in each of us, so unique and special, it makes us burn bright. I want that hope for her and for all of you here going through this.0 -
Anita, I have a story for you.
My mother died when I was 4, and I carried an intense pain with me until I heard this story during a Vipassana meditation retreat which I did in my late 50's. I hope it brings you some peace also.
During the lifetime of the Buddha, a woman who was infertile finally had a child. But when the child was only 2, he died. The woman could not believe that her child was dead, and would not let go of him. Some villagers learned that the Buddha was nearby and sent the woman to him, telling her that the Buddha could help her. When she arrived, she asked the Buddha to revive her child, and he immediately knew that the woman was not in her right mind, and so could not learn and be helped. Therefore, the Buddha told her that he could help her, but she had to do something first. She was to go to the nearest village and bring back 2 grains of rice. Before the woman could leave on her errand, the Buddha added that the rice must come from a house where no one had died. By the time the woman had visited every house and come back empty handed, she had regained her senses, and was able to give up her dead son.
For me, the understanding in this story is that everyone who lives must die, and that everyone who lives has lost a loved one to death. This is one of the central facts of life, and as terrible as it is, we must accept it. Then we can begin to live again and take from each moment what enjoyment we can.0 -
Dear Anitaanicca said:Anita, I have a story for you.
My mother died when I was 4, and I carried an intense pain with me until I heard this story during a Vipassana meditation retreat which I did in my late 50's. I hope it brings you some peace also.
During the lifetime of the Buddha, a woman who was infertile finally had a child. But when the child was only 2, he died. The woman could not believe that her child was dead, and would not let go of him. Some villagers learned that the Buddha was nearby and sent the woman to him, telling her that the Buddha could help her. When she arrived, she asked the Buddha to revive her child, and he immediately knew that the woman was not in her right mind, and so could not learn and be helped. Therefore, the Buddha told her that he could help her, but she had to do something first. She was to go to the nearest village and bring back 2 grains of rice. Before the woman could leave on her errand, the Buddha added that the rice must come from a house where no one had died. By the time the woman had visited every house and come back empty handed, she had regained her senses, and was able to give up her dead son.
For me, the understanding in this story is that everyone who lives must die, and that everyone who lives has lost a loved one to death. This is one of the central facts of life, and as terrible as it is, we must accept it. Then we can begin to live again and take from each moment what enjoyment we can.
What is normal? Once ovarian cancer is in the picture any normality we think we had is gone. I remember long before I was sick, there would be times that something wasn't going right in my life and I would long to go back to normal. My friend and I used to talk about this and say well, at least abby normal. I try to take each day and be happy that I am still here and feeling good, but many times I long for the days when cancer was the furthest thing from my mind. It has impacted my whole life, my family's life and my friends' lives. It's always there. I just try to not let it rule my everyday. So please do not beat yourself up for whatever feelings you have. It is just as hard to watch someone you love fight the disease as it is to fight it yourself. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I can't. Just know we are here and you can tell us anything.
Karen0 -
The facts of life & deathkikz said:Dear Anita
What is normal? Once ovarian cancer is in the picture any normality we think we had is gone. I remember long before I was sick, there would be times that something wasn't going right in my life and I would long to go back to normal. My friend and I used to talk about this and say well, at least abby normal. I try to take each day and be happy that I am still here and feeling good, but many times I long for the days when cancer was the furthest thing from my mind. It has impacted my whole life, my family's life and my friends' lives. It's always there. I just try to not let it rule my everyday. So please do not beat yourself up for whatever feelings you have. It is just as hard to watch someone you love fight the disease as it is to fight it yourself. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I can't. Just know we are here and you can tell us anything.
Karen
Annica: thank you for sharing that story...we cannot escape what is our destiny which is to to leave the planet. I don't think of death as a finality but as a transition. Who cares what "the truth" is!
One of my favorite movie scenes about death is in Forest Gump where his mother is on her deathbed & says "It's my time, Forest." I've seen plenty of people at the end of their life and none of them were like that. Still, I find it a comforting thought that someone could accept the end of their life with such serenity. That's my role model even if it is pure Hollywood.
To be able to just sit at the bedside of a dying person is a priceless gift.
(((HUGS)))
LQ0 -
I would get my mom to one ofAnita1216 said:All of you help my grip
All of you help my grip tighten and my resolve strengthen, for that I thank each of you.
Other doctors agree that a second line of chemo would be ok, its going to either kick the cancer into a remission of sorts or kick the hell out of mom. I see no reason to not try, this cancer is not in her major organs as of April 21st!!!! My siblings seem to think the second line may be to much, hell the cancer will kill her for sure!!!!! I look at her, so alert and smiling, laughing with us..my heart it feels frozen. I just cannot believe she has cancer. Mom wants to try another chemo, she has the right to try and IMO the doctor is obligated to help her in that process.
We are going to do this, if it takes getting another team of specialists to help us..we will do it. Hope is all we have, it is what makes us human. That glimmer in each of us, so unique and special, it makes us burn bright. I want that hope for her and for all of you here going through this.
I would get my mom to one of the doctors willing to to put her back on chemo, and I would do it ASAP. If that is what she wants to do, then I hope you can make it happen. Everyone should be taking their cue from her. This is about your mom, and what she wants to do - how she wants to proceed.
Carlene0 -
Find another doctor!LaundryQueen said:The facts of life & death
Annica: thank you for sharing that story...we cannot escape what is our destiny which is to to leave the planet. I don't think of death as a finality but as a transition. Who cares what "the truth" is!
One of my favorite movie scenes about death is in Forest Gump where his mother is on her deathbed & says "It's my time, Forest." I've seen plenty of people at the end of their life and none of them were like that. Still, I find it a comforting thought that someone could accept the end of their life with such serenity. That's my role model even if it is pure Hollywood.
To be able to just sit at the bedside of a dying person is a priceless gift.
(((HUGS)))
LQ
I agree with Carlene--is it possible to find another doctor? You have to know that you are doing everything possible. My heart aches for you.
(((HUGS)))
Carolen0
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