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A Heartbreak of a Different Color

Posts: 20
Joined: May 2011

Hello all;
This post does involve lung cancer, but it is more related to a personal slap in the face I received after simply trying to get some support from my own father. He has never been there for me, it has only been my husband-since I was thirteen years old who has been my rock and has cared for while others trampled me. I have never met my father face to face and as with most children who are curious about where they came from I looked him up. I was given some warnings where he was concerned yet I tried countless times to connect.

For undisclosed reasons my father hates my husband with all he has in him-I guess at least part of it is because he knows he has done the job he should have been doing and that he never abandoned me while everyone of my family members did.

Well my husband has lung cancer and this has been a turbulent time. When I first was given the news I was like everyone-all I saw for my husband was a RIP sign and the doctor also painted that "picture." Of course I was despondant, but I handed it to God and through that and by coming here and seeing proof that miracles can and do happen I am not without hope nor will I give up on my husband despite what has been said.

I tried to reach out to my father because at least for the time being, I am alone-my husband is in the hospital receiving preliminary treatment forgoing a release date in the near days, etc. Well, I have known "things" about my father that are disturbing at best, yet like I said I was in need of just some support-for someone to listen. And what my father did stung worse than the diagnosis itself-He yelled at me after I was just speaking of how things of this nature vary and that people do survive-he yelled and me and said "Now I tried to explain something to you (that no one ever survives) but you are the "D#$M! doctor so you deal with it! And then he promptly hung up on me. What hurts here most is now I have proof of what I expected that all along even when my father was seemingly caring all he really wants is to see my husband die. He wishes that for him all due to some misguided sense of hatred for someone who has done far more for me then he ever has. I am shaking as I write this and I don't want to tell my husband when he calls me so I came here like everyone else to get a shoulder-an understanding non-judgmental shoulder to lean on. I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to be sucked into this again but this is the last time-I have the urge to send him a "letter" but what would that accomplish-it would only feed into his "cancerous" hatred and I feel I have been downed enough.

Can anyone I don't care who-just reply and help me keep my chin up? I am really falling apart and the more i try to be brave the harder it is to to be brave. All I know is I will be glad for my husband to come home because all I want to do is have him back at my side and I will care for him.

Posts: 199
Joined: Jan 2011

Do you not have friends you could talk to, or a priest or pastor? Perhaps a counsellor could help. I am afraid this is way beyond me.

Posts: 20
Joined: May 2011

No I do not have any friends etc to talk to. Me and my husband have always been pretty much on our own. I have coped a little better in the beginning but now I am having a hard time and I don't want to upset my husband. I just really ask that all of you pray for to have better strength so we can get through this and I can hold it together long enough till he is discharged to home.

JUDYV5's picture
Posts: 392
Joined: Jun 2010

Be brave. You know love. The way I see it is that everyone dies. We have the opportunity
to cherish the moments that we have left in ways other people do not. It is obvious your Father has no idea on how to be a caregiver. If you need someone to lean on you need to find couseling. Talking to the social worker at the hospital would be a good start. Some people have difficutly handling tough situations...avoid them. You don't need more things to deal with then you already have. Cherish every Moment

Posts: 20
Joined: May 2011

Thank you for your kind words. I know my husband has just as much chance of combating this as any other person who had been "deemed" past the point of return. In no way have I given up hope or wavered in faith. I know for sure I need some sleep and I look forward to when my husband will be calling me from the hospital to chat. We always enjoy that. Like I stated it has always been "he and I" and we have endured everything with each other. I just believe the best answer for me is to just go with what I know works for me and to stop trying to go and go seek answers in arenas I know will only make things most. A good night's rest will at least refresh me and Lord am I in need of that. But even in all of this turmoil we will be fine-so I guess we need to cut ourselves some slack.

mamacita5's picture
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2010

Please ask to see the social worker at the hospital. There should be one available to you. It sounds like you need someone to give you a big hug and tell you everything will be alright. Naturally a dad would be someone you should be able to get that from, but in your case that seems to be impossible. Many churches have someone who could talk with you if you are so inclined. Be brave a make a phone call to get the emotional support you need. Your husband needs you to be healthy so that you can advocate for him while he is ill. We care about you. I am sending both my prayers and a great big ((((HUG)))) your way!

Posts: 183
Joined: Apr 2011

Prayers are coming your way BrendaRae. You definitely need someone to listen to all your fears and concerns.....please contact the social worker at the hospital or call the Cancer Society, as they have support systems in place. But, you have to make the call. Do not be afraid. Many have walked in your path before you. You need to do this for yourself so that you can be strong for your husband. I know you can do this. God bless and I hope you feel the hug I am sending. Cheryl

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