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To Celebrate or not to Celebrate??

Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

My CT SCAN was clear, oh blessed day!!! This is my second round with this and the first time I celebratde walked around on cloud 9 told everyone my cancer was in remissionm could have bragged to milkman if there was one...
Now I'm skiddish, when asked I say yes its gone but not with so much joy, its like I have no smile with it. I greet thier blessings and thank you's with gratitude , yet they can see on my face how Im not so excited and ask me if all is ok. I have a hernia they say will operate in July give me sometime after my last chemo to regroup. What I think I should be doing like jumping up and down celebrating my strength I am not. There has to be something wrong with me???
We learn how to live today when we have cancer, we learn how to appreciate yesterday and tomorrow, to be here one more day. I am almost likea a depressed person. I have one more chemo to go, doc wants to make sure to keep me in remission as long as possible. You know part of me is afraid to let chemo go, strange, this is what has kept me here each day, and maybe without I fear it'll be short term like last time, barely 6 months and back again in chemo. My emotions are all over the map......

tanker sgv's picture
tanker sgv
Posts: 125
Joined: Nov 2010

I have no idea how you feel. But I do know that chemo is a comfort, its like this site. Its the place nobody wants to be, but once you find it you never want to leave. I remember letting my gaurd down everytime I brought my mom to treatment. I didn't have to protect her there. Nurses were so kind and we were part of the in crowd we were all the same. I was my moms caregiver so I don't know the fears she had the day she was told she was NED. I remember sitting in the parking lot crying with her, happily scared of the future I guess. I got that date tattooed, because I choose to remember the joys of her cancer journey and not memorialize the defets. Like my tattoo says FU©K CANCER 3/4/10 I hope u can find they joy u earned from fighting this monster you deserve it and congratulations

Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

I am so very happy to hear that your CT Scan was clear. However, I can only imagine how scared you must be knowing what happened last time around. I tell you that I am ecstatic for you and consider this a victory against the cancer; no matter how long it is for. You are one very amazing person and I admire your strength, your fight and you determination. I think it is OK and expected to have your emotions all over the map. I know my husband is up above cheering for you to be successful; and I think there are many others there with him. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you remain cancer free FOREVER! Please take care. (Mega Hugs!)

Posts: 1849
Joined: Aug 2010

You now have the maturity (forced upon you by cancer, no doubt) to celebrate with what is called "cautious optimism".

Congratulations on your clean CT scan - it is very much worthy of a celebration.

Don't be too hard on yourself and share with the people who have been with you through this journey.

Your journey may, indeed, be over or it may be a resting point. Use it to gain strength, rest and peace.

It is a good, but tough, place to be anywhere on a cancer journey because we cannot now, and will not ever be able to, see the future.

Enjoy life and this respite from the struggle!


grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Celebrate the NED. Celebrate everything that is good in your life. Cancer has helped you understand how things can change, but for now you are free of it. Celebrate the now. Fay

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey Tears!
Congrats my friend! You should be shedding tears of joy....Come on....celebrate the NED. Live in the moment, not in the past, not in the future. We are happy and proud of you! Hugs :)
Tina in Va

Posts: 20
Joined: May 2011

congrats on the all clear!! i thik we can all relate. i got results from PET/CT scan last week and all clear. i was in shock!! 1st one in 5 years that was clear!! and yes, i get fear,too. the "what ifs" arent a good place for me to go, because if i start "what iffing" about anything beyond today, i am wasting valuable thinking time, especially if i die today. my biggest fear, i thought, was dieing. i found out that wasnt true. i believe in God and heaven. so, my fear was in the timing, which i am powerless over. live in today and get busy living and turn all your concerns over to God. he has BIG shoulders.

Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Thomas I thank u for your words of faith, and I do have faith in GOD. I pray for mercy, I pray for great health from here on in, yet still i am holding back . I may snap out of it one day , and hope I do..To the rest of you your words are beautiful as you speak from the heart I know. Second time around is a reality kicker. I pray now as I mentioned that my days are filled with only positive health and happiness, which i am now trying to find, where do I fit in this world, where do i want to fit??? Do I want to move forward and find more exciting adventures for me to live life to fullest, or do I want to remain in same lifestyle......I know there are things i have not seen or done, mainly travel, I realized I want to experience this, and experience true happiness... maybe that will come as i pray each day and be thankful I am here to celebrate even the smallest of smiles.....
God bless each of you for answering me, may you always have smiles and laughter and good blessings in your life....Thank you ...Brenda

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