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karenbeth's picture
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

I am feeling very shaky this morning. It's my first weekend without Frank. We always spent our weekends together.

I have plans for lunch with friends and then will come back to my mom's. I am clinging to her like a child. Tomorrow I am going to get back into my routine and go to the gym, and to a yoga class. Then I have to bite the bullet and pick up Frank's ashes.

Eventually I know I have to spend the night in my apartment again.

I am changing "one day at a time" to "one moment at a time." It's the only way I think I'll get through this day.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Karen,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling shaky. It could be adrenaline, your body senses anxiety, thus it shoots it out in case you need it for something. That's what my therapist told me, anyway.

You know, for months after Dennis' diagnosis and early retirement, weekends took on a different meaning. Instead of the sleeping in, planning activities and looking forward to be together, it became more of "crash" time. After a week of appointments, tests and treatments, we would be exhausted! Yes, there were things to be done, but it became more rest for him and get it done for me. I'm not complaining as being with him was all that mattered, no matter what we would do!

It's taken me this time since he passed to realize that I had already lost what weekends meant to me. However, only now, somehow, I seem to be remembering the weekends as they were before diagnosis! I suppose while we were battling, I didn't allow myself to "miss" the way things were before. I just embraced the way things had become.

Now that he is gone, I have felt lost as to define "weekends" for myself. Do I do chores, do I relax, what should I do? Dear one, I have found that indeed these are shaky moments. Our hearts fight the concept of having to invent/create this new life. We did not want nor ask for a new life. And here we are, in a new life!

Take it easy, be kind to yourself. Pick one new thing to try to do. Don't attempt to reinvent yourself overnight. It will take time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

You don't have to rush anything. These mile markers are so difficult. Our lives have been turned upset down, and everything is an adjustment. The first few days after my husband passed, I was moving in a kind of haze. I just remember waking up in agony because the nightmare wouldn't end. Sometimes, it's still hard for me to come home, and for the most part, home is a refuge. It's just the silence can be unbearable at times. It's such a rollercoaster ride that we really are changing from moment to moment. Give yourself time. This is a great board to talk things out.

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