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Buckwirth's picture
Posts: 1272
Joined: Jun 2010

Today it consumes me

Sad, angry, frozen, trapped, obsessed. Truth is I've felt like this for days

Stopped taking Cybalta, it was making my heart do hula hoops

Took the week off to start my disability, and in two weeks I'm going to Europe

Problem is this is a first step to retirement, maybe a first step to giving up

Or letting go

Is it the beginning?

The end?

I am haunted by a guy, a six year survivor, who told me I had a year to live

Not on purpose. I don't think he knows he said it

Then by another guy who thought his thread about Irenotecan and post surgery mortality was a question about Folfox and possible liver damage

Oh, and that we were being denied the benefits of placebos

Drained, empty, lethargic.

Maybe next week will be better

Marcia527's picture
Posts: 2749
Joined: Jul 2006

Retirement doesn't have to mean giving up. It means more time to do the things you really want to do. Or volunteer. Volunteers get work (if you are a workaholic) but with no stress because you're doing it for nothing they don't want to lose you. So retirement can be a beginning if you want it to be.

Don't be haunted by what some people say. They can't see into the future and don't have all the answers.

Your future is what you make of it. Some people cram more living into a year than others do in a lifetime.

z's picture
Posts: 1411
Joined: May 2009

Hello, I just want to say I enjoy reading what you write and you are so intelligent, you have to know that sometimes people say things in the wrong way without thinking. Everyone of us is different. I think its the beginning and you will have a great trip and come back refreshed. I wish you well Lori.

RE's picture
Posts: 4644
Joined: Feb 2004

Buckwirth, I have not conversed with you much but I have read some of what you have written and you seem like a fellow who has deep thoughts, do not let them consume you. Cancer is no fun, it takes body parts and reeks havoc on our mind it is our job to grab our selves by the boot straps and reclaim our happiness. Cancer cannot have your joy if you do not allow it. I understand that we all have down times, but try to see the good times that are ahead of you and the future of adventures that lie ahead as you plan your retirement. I have had sad thoughts myself as I was a stage 4 in 98 with cancer my chest wall and sentinel node so I try to live most days as happily as I can. In regards to folks saying things like you have one year how in the world would they know, they are not you, they are not a doctor they should not make comments like that. I am sorry you are down and I hope you find happier days soon.

My best to you,


Tricia02's picture
Posts: 130
Joined: Mar 2009

Hello Blake you certainly sound "off colour". I do hope this passes quickly for you. Whereabouts in Europe you heading?

Tricia02's picture
Posts: 130
Joined: Mar 2009

I forgot to say Blake, I "retired" 2 years ago now and I have to admit I am absolutely 100% luvvvvvvvvvvvving it. Nick "retired" 2 years ago as well at 51 and we're both having a whale of a time. We travel loads now whenever we can. He went off with the boys on motorbikes across the Himalayas onto the Tibetan border and of them actually met HR Dalai Lama! We are really are having the best time of our lives and should have done it sooner, though money may have been tighter! So shake off all those niggly doubts and you enjoy yourself. It really is the beginning of another adventure, I promise.

soccerfreaks's picture
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

Blake, I do hope you consulted with doc before dropping the cymbalta! I would think that it would be completely natural for you to plunge into a deep, dark, funk after going cold turkey from a medication of that kind. (I have been advised in no uncertain terms not to do same, myself, with my particular elixir of happiness.)

As others have indicated, retirement does not have to be a 'first step to giving up'. I would bet money that I share a concern with you that people seem to die rather quickly when they retire (:)), but you strike me, from your writings and responses, as someone with an agile mind who can find things to do that will keep it occupied.

Regardless of how you were removed from the medication, do give it some time to lose its impact before coming to any certain conclusions about how you are going to feel in days, weeks, months, years to come.

In the meantime, do share with us your European experiences. I, for one, look forward to reading them.

Take care,


Posts: 374
Joined: Jan 2011

"Regardless of how you were removed from the medication, do give it some time to lose its impact before coming to any certain conclusions about how you are going to feel in days, weeks, months, years to come."

And I've discovered in my recent journey that well-meaning people can say some STUPID things a LOT of the time. I learned that I could choose not to give them the ability to instill fear or sadness in me.

Many blessings to you. And like Soccerfreaks, I look forward to reading about your adventures across the ocean.


Buckwirth's picture
Posts: 1272
Joined: Jun 2010


Feeling better today.

The trip will be fun. Work is paying for the airfare, and for hotels, meals and transport for the first six days. Then we stay and come home a week later.

Start in Frankfurt (secret, I am trying to use miles to leave earlier, flying in to Amsterdam). From there we go to Verona, then Venice on the Company. Aside from the airfare little expense will be spared. Great hotels, fabulous wines and food that we will remember forever.

The group parts ways in Venice and my wife and I head to Florence, then Naples, then back track to Rome. This part of the trip is all on our dime, but trains and Hotwire are my friends, and I have a few Hilton points I can use up here.

The Amsterdam thing is the tricky part. If I can swing a low mileage award, we fly in and out in the front of the plane! Problem is low awards are rare and last minute, so I have to check daily (or a couple of times a day) to be sure I don't miss it. We will also get to ride the HiSpeed rail to Frankfurt. Should be a great train ride if we can swing it.

Oh, the drug thing...

I was on 60mg, but I had a week worth of 30mg left over, so I trickled down on my own.

Heartbeat went right back to normal. Mood, well not so much. That said, next week will be better!




Got the tickets this morning! A little more in mileage than I wanted to spend, but a great deal none the less (up front all the way!).

We will leave on the 12th, arrive Amsterdam the 13th, train to Frankfurt on the 15th.

Italy till the 27th, then back to Amsterdam for the flight home on the 28th!

That is getting the serotonin flowing!

sea60's picture
Posts: 2618
Joined: May 2010

what a trip in store for you guys! Have a wonderful time. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Nothin' like good 'ol serotonin to lift the spirits.


luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Have a wonderful adventure, and come back to share with us!


soccerfreaks's picture
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

I don't get to go. Now I'm the one who is depressed.

Take care,


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Tricia02's picture
Posts: 130
Joined: Mar 2009

Hi Blake, wishing you a FABULOUS time, which I know you will have. I have been to the places your visiting and Rome is my favourite, though of course they all offer something uniquely different, especially Amsterdam lol! I was rather hoping you would hit London, and I would have come and met you, alas that isn't to be. Pleased to hear your feeling better. I haven't a clue what cymbalta is! Obviously an anti depressant or perhaps one of the SSRI's, which I was on for about 6 months and then weaned off in my first year of diagnosis. Anyway you lucky sod, do enjoy yourself on your travels. We are meant to be off to Brugges soon ourselves then India - oh the joys of not working hahahaha. Take care. Look forward to hearing from you on your return.

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