hello
Amy
Comments
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So sorry Amy...
Amy,
I am so sorry to hear that you have had so much sorrow on your plate in such a short time. My heart goes out to you. I am new to the board, so this is the first I have heard about your sister. I am sorry for your loss, she sounds like she was a wonderful person. Luckily she had a great sister to count on.
The situation with your niece and BIL really sucks :-( It has to be a tough spot to be in, balancing the needs of am niece you love and dealing with an unstable father. I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you on this crappy situation, other than maybe looking into AL-Anon and Ala-Teen for you and your niece until your BIL is ready to get his life in order.
My thoughts are with you and your niece I send good thoughts your way. I hope some of the others on the board have some more substantial advice for you than I have to offer...
Take care,
Ray0 -
I'm glad you posted again
Oh, Amy.
That's a beautiful tribute to a sister that you obviously were very close to and still love so much! And it's wonderful that you do so much for your niece. It does sound like a very touchy situation, but at least you are giving her the love and attention she's not getting from her dad. I think you're doing the best you can in a tough situation.
As for a sign, I don't know about that, but I can tell you that my husband had a sudden cardiac arrest in 2000 and was revived. While he was "down," he had a near death experience, and he has assured me that Heaven is the most peaceful, wonderful place you can imagine. So please know that your sister is okay now.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
Amy
You and your sister are anything but forgotten. Are you recording everything? Have you talked to an attorney, your niece should qualify to talk to Legal Services which is free for those with not much money, your niece should qualify quite nicely. At her age there is usually a choice of where she lives. There are also child advocates, please go to childadvocates.org to check on this. There are many options due to her age. I urge you to check into them.
My heart still goes out to you, your mom and your niece.
Winter Marie0 -
Amy
Amy,
You are a wonderful sister and aunt. I am so sorry that you and Rachel are suffering so. It is obvious that you loved your sister very much - how beautiful that you are soul mates. I think that was good advice to look into AL-Anon and Ala-Teen for you and your niece.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Aloha,
Kathleen0 -
Hi Amyherdizziness said:Amy
You and your sister are anything but forgotten. Are you recording everything? Have you talked to an attorney, your niece should qualify to talk to Legal Services which is free for those with not much money, your niece should qualify quite nicely. At her age there is usually a choice of where she lives. There are also child advocates, please go to childadvocates.org to check on this. There are many options due to her age. I urge you to check into them.
My heart still goes out to you, your mom and your niece.
Winter Marie
I certainly remember you and your sister. I think Winter's suggestion is very good. In Arizona, we have Child Protective Services run by the state. It's almost as if any action you may take will alienate you BIL. However, maybe it it time for a BIG wake-up call for the man. Your poor niece is in enough pain without having to suffer further abuse from her father.
Best of luck in whatever decision you make.
Luv,
Wolfen0 -
Hey Amy...Kathleen808 said:Amy
Amy,
You are a wonderful sister and aunt. I am so sorry that you and Rachel are suffering so. It is obvious that you loved your sister very much - how beautiful that you are soul mates. I think that was good advice to look into AL-Anon and Ala-Teen for you and your niece.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Aloha,
Kathleen
Hi! Its so good to hear from you again. I miss your Sis! I just wanted to tell you something. I have not told a lot of people this but I think you should hear it. I was VERY close to my Mom...like you and your sis..... we always had an agreement that whoever went first the other would come back..somehow..somewhere...sometime...to let the other know they were ok. Mom died and I waited and waited for my sign. I thought about it a lot. I wondered if she was "ok".... I finally got my sign.... some may say this was not a sign but I know in my heart it was. It was 2 years after Mom died...at Christmas time... I had just put up the Christmas tree. I always check each and every light bulb before I put the strand on the tree... as I stood back to admire my work I noticed one strand was not blinking..odd, I had checked them .... I wiggled the plug...ahhh...they came on.... stood back again to check that strand and they went off again...what??? at that moment I reached my hand forward to shake the strand on the tree to see if maybe a short....when I touched the strand ...1 light lit up...only 1 light on the whole strand...and it wasn't blinking...just ON...strange....then I noticed it was a green light...not only my Moms favorite color..but a "green light" an "all go"green.. it hit me..is this my sign????.... I said out loud "mom..is this you?" at that exact moment the green light...still in my hand...started blinking...i just stood there and cried.... it was her sign.... I walked to the other room for a kleenex and when I returned...the entire strand was lit and blinking.... it was the best christmas of my life! So keep an eye out for your sign..you will get one and you will know it! Hugs and luv to you my friend!
Jennie0 -
HI Amy
Hi Amy,
Good to hear from you, but very sad too- I'm so sorry at the hard time you and Brenda's daughter are having & the whole situation with the BIL. I exchanged messages with Brenda just days I think before she went into the hospital. Even then, she was talking to me about our teenage daughters and how she'd love to be able to talk with mine, as she prided herself in being the type of teacher who really made a difference with the kids. I was so heartbroken when she died, as we really made a connection and we also talked together about our faith.
Oh, Amy- I will be praying wholeheartedly for you and this whole situation. I'm glad you came here to vent- we all need a place to do that. Are you able to see or get in to a counselor, specifically someone who is good at grief counseling? I know it's hard to carve out time for ourselves to do that, but you really should if you haven't already. I'm sure your niece could benefit from that too, esp with dealing with the alcoholic father on top of this all.
Oh I wish I lived closer to you and could reach out to you more. Please feel free to send a pm to me anytime.
Hugs to you,
Lisa0 -
Amy I know exactly how you are feeling
Tomorrow will be a year ago that my sister, Christina, passed from this horrific disease. SHe has left behind 3 small children. Like Rachel, up until the very very end, she wanted to keep on fighting. She was such a fighter. I miss he like mad! We too were close, closer after she was dx and I replay every moment in my mind, wondering what we could have done different. As far as communicating, I don't know. I talk to her in my head every day and wait for some sign. I think she sent one once when I was with her two boys, we were praying for her and were in this open field. Her oldest son said, I wish my mom were still alive. Then there was a gust of wind that blew up these "flowers" from these plants in the fields and I think she was telling them, I am still here, walking beside you, loving you and hugging you every day. My little niece, she is 5 now, walks around the house saying things like "my mommy said I can have chocolate, she whispered it in my ear" and I believe her. Sigh, Life is precious, cherish every moment. I am thinking of you and sending you positive vibes and prayers!0 -
Hi Amy
I have tried to respond to your post a few times but it is most upsetting. I feel so badly for your niece and for you. It sounds like a horrible situation. You are helping your nice through a difficult time + you want to do more but don't know how to do it successfully with your BIL in the way. Know that you are giving your niece a huge amount of help. I hope a way can be found to resolve this. I know how much you and your niece must miss your sister, and my heart goes out to you. Please keep in touch.0 -
Hi Amy, what a difficult
Hi Amy, what a difficult situation. The situation with BIL really stinks. But I think Rachel is a good age to talk to an advocate. What a wonderful relationship you had with your sister! I'm sorry you lost her my dear.
Love and hugs, Gail0 -
Devils advocate?
Okay, I need to say some things that go rather against where y'all have been going so far, if only to balance things some...has BIL been an alcoholic for long? Has he tried to get help? Is his grief for his wife making his problem worse? Will taking away his daughter help him? Will it help her in the long-run? To have cancer tear the family apart is sad...perhaps more focus needs to be put on helping BIL?0 -
Hey SisSisterSledge said:Devils advocate?
Okay, I need to say some things that go rather against where y'all have been going so far, if only to balance things some...has BIL been an alcoholic for long? Has he tried to get help? Is his grief for his wife making his problem worse? Will taking away his daughter help him? Will it help her in the long-run? To have cancer tear the family apart is sad...perhaps more focus needs to be put on helping BIL?
I like your point of view.... how quickly we are to take sides. You are very on top of things with your thinking things out until we know one way or not. Way to advocate Sis
Love and hugs, Gail0 -
Thanks Gailplh4gail said:Hey Sis
I like your point of view.... how quickly we are to take sides. You are very on top of things with your thinking things out until we know one way or not. Way to advocate Sis
Love and hugs, Gail
Sometimes it's hard to stand up for the "losing team" but I felt it needed said.0 -
hi everyone. thanks for theSisterSledge said:Thanks Gail
Sometimes it's hard to stand up for the "losing team" but I felt it needed said.
hi everyone. thanks for the thoughts. BIL has been an alcoholic his whole life. My sister and Rachel just did their own thing and he did his. My sister was always afraid to seek divorce b/c she wasshe was dying and slept in a differnet part of the house(drunk or not) where he could not here her if she callel for help. At this point during the last few weeks my mom and i took turns afraidBIL could get partial custody and Rachel would have to be there w/o her. Brenda always protected Rachel from this and he did not have much to do with them. It is the same and he has made it clear he has no intention of seeking help. He did not help her when being there all fo the time. he pretty much just avoided us. It is so different now b/c sheis not there to protect Rachel. But anyway, that was a good point to bring up. I wish it were true, then there might be some hope for Rachel and her dad. I happen to be a drug and alcohol counselor and know that the person has to be ready to seek help. Friday night I picked her up from a school feild trip at 9:00pm. BIL was calling her cell phone. she did not want to answer but I told she had to. He was very durnk and not making any sense, I could hear him b/c he was talkng so loud. I think he has a blackout every time he drinks and does notremember his behavior. When she got off the phone she had a total meltdown and siad she does not want to live there. She asked me why my mother and I are not doing anything to help her get out of there. I used to work for Childean and Youth servicas and do know parents have a lot of rights, even if they abuse their children. I feel like it would be a losing battle. He can be very charming, has lots of money for lawyer, etc. A huge can of worms would be open if I reported it. i would not be able to pay unlimited funds for lawyers. There is no Child advocate program in our county, Pleeease someone offer some advice.
love you guys
amy0 -
Amyamyb15 said:hi everyone. thanks for the
hi everyone. thanks for the thoughts. BIL has been an alcoholic his whole life. My sister and Rachel just did their own thing and he did his. My sister was always afraid to seek divorce b/c she wasshe was dying and slept in a differnet part of the house(drunk or not) where he could not here her if she callel for help. At this point during the last few weeks my mom and i took turns afraidBIL could get partial custody and Rachel would have to be there w/o her. Brenda always protected Rachel from this and he did not have much to do with them. It is the same and he has made it clear he has no intention of seeking help. He did not help her when being there all fo the time. he pretty much just avoided us. It is so different now b/c sheis not there to protect Rachel. But anyway, that was a good point to bring up. I wish it were true, then there might be some hope for Rachel and her dad. I happen to be a drug and alcohol counselor and know that the person has to be ready to seek help. Friday night I picked her up from a school feild trip at 9:00pm. BIL was calling her cell phone. she did not want to answer but I told she had to. He was very durnk and not making any sense, I could hear him b/c he was talkng so loud. I think he has a blackout every time he drinks and does notremember his behavior. When she got off the phone she had a total meltdown and siad she does not want to live there. She asked me why my mother and I are not doing anything to help her get out of there. I used to work for Childean and Youth servicas and do know parents have a lot of rights, even if they abuse their children. I feel like it would be a losing battle. He can be very charming, has lots of money for lawyer, etc. A huge can of worms would be open if I reported it. i would not be able to pay unlimited funds for lawyers. There is no Child advocate program in our county, Pleeease someone offer some advice.
love you guys
amy
Amy,
Can Rachel start building a documented case? I recommend she finds an adult at school and goes in daily to report what is going on. Someone needs to be taking notes. She can build a case day by day. Can she get video? Kids are so good with their phones. I'm just so sorry that this young lady is in this horrible situation. Maybe you can find a lawyer to take on her case Pro Bono. I'm sorry but I forgot how old she is right now. I think it is worth building her case.
Saying prayers for all of you.
Aloha,
Kathleen0 -
Hi Amy, I am so sorry foramyb15 said:hi everyone. thanks for the
hi everyone. thanks for the thoughts. BIL has been an alcoholic his whole life. My sister and Rachel just did their own thing and he did his. My sister was always afraid to seek divorce b/c she wasshe was dying and slept in a differnet part of the house(drunk or not) where he could not here her if she callel for help. At this point during the last few weeks my mom and i took turns afraidBIL could get partial custody and Rachel would have to be there w/o her. Brenda always protected Rachel from this and he did not have much to do with them. It is the same and he has made it clear he has no intention of seeking help. He did not help her when being there all fo the time. he pretty much just avoided us. It is so different now b/c sheis not there to protect Rachel. But anyway, that was a good point to bring up. I wish it were true, then there might be some hope for Rachel and her dad. I happen to be a drug and alcohol counselor and know that the person has to be ready to seek help. Friday night I picked her up from a school feild trip at 9:00pm. BIL was calling her cell phone. she did not want to answer but I told she had to. He was very durnk and not making any sense, I could hear him b/c he was talkng so loud. I think he has a blackout every time he drinks and does notremember his behavior. When she got off the phone she had a total meltdown and siad she does not want to live there. She asked me why my mother and I are not doing anything to help her get out of there. I used to work for Childean and Youth servicas and do know parents have a lot of rights, even if they abuse their children. I feel like it would be a losing battle. He can be very charming, has lots of money for lawyer, etc. A huge can of worms would be open if I reported it. i would not be able to pay unlimited funds for lawyers. There is no Child advocate program in our county, Pleeease someone offer some advice.
love you guys
amy
Hi Amy, I am so sorry for all of you. Is there a protection from abuse organization in your area? Has the father ever hit your niece,or threatened her? If there is an org. in your town, make an appt. to see one of the counselors. They usually offer free legal service too. I think someone mentioned alanon?
But the domestic abuse org. is you best chance. It does not have to be between husband and wife. From there other services will be recommended.
Good Luck, let us know how it works out.
Judy0 -
This comment has been removed by the Moderatorjjaj133 said:Hi Amy, I am so sorry for
Hi Amy, I am so sorry for all of you. Is there a protection from abuse organization in your area? Has the father ever hit your niece,or threatened her? If there is an org. in your town, make an appt. to see one of the counselors. They usually offer free legal service too. I think someone mentioned alanon?
But the domestic abuse org. is you best chance. It does not have to be between husband and wife. From there other services will be recommended.
Good Luck, let us know how it works out.
Judy0
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