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Need some help

Posts: 11
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi All,
I am having a problem and dont have anyone that understands, including me. My emotions are so jacked up that i dont know what to think or do. Me and my wife have been battling cancer together since 2006. We both beat it the first go around but in 2008 hers had came back in the bone and brain. The last three years has literally destroyed us. Its been a nightmare that only you guys can undetstand. She passed April 5th. I thought i had prepared myself for that day but i was wrong. At the drop of a hat my insides kill me and i cant help but cry. I have been battling back problems for sometime now and due to no health insurance i dont really know what it is. All my symptoms are that of what my wife had and its a scary feeling. Im trying to get ducks in a row so i can get a petscan but with all thats happened i cant seem to accomplish anything. Life just sucks right now and i lost the one who understood. I know time will heal this hurt inside but time i know is valueble to me right now. I need to find the strength to take care of my problems while dealing with a lot of hurt and pain. I need to get strong for my kids and myself but its not happening. Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for listening

bluerose's picture
Posts: 1102
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Scott. First of all I am here to tell you that you aren't alone in all of this, this site is here for you. You will find many understanding people on this site who do understand what you are going through as a caregiver in the past and now with all the challenges you face. I don't know if I read it right but did you mean that you have been diagnosed with cancer as well?

Many of us go through overwhelming times throughout our journies with cancer either having cancer ourselves or supporting someone we love who has it or had it. Those overwhelming times are rough. I am a 23 year survivor and actually I still have those kinds of times, just had one this morning actually, and I got through it by keeping busy but it wasn't easy. Sometimes I need an anti anxiety med to help me through the really rough overwhelming periods and other times I can talk myself down. My issues remain to be all side effects of the treatments I had years ago, the good news is that I was cured of the actual cancer.

I also found myself a good counsellor who specialized in cancer and the grief stages that we all must go to with it. Mine was a psychologist and he was great. He also helped me with moving through all the stages in grief, sometimes people get stuck in one of the stages and need help moving along. Sometimes men I know have a hard time going to a 'talking doctor' as my kids used to call them, lol, but really they can be of great help. Think about it. If you can't afford a psychologist perhaps a minister could be of assistance or a family doctor might suggest someone else who could help too. Sometimes through the Cancer Society in your area they might have resources for counselling too that don't cost alot or are free.

Anywho you can also always come on this site and post as you just did and in no time someone will respond to let you know that we understand and you aren't alone. Sometimes just knowing that helps a great deal too.

All the best.


Posts: 11
Joined: Apr 2011

Thank you for the post bluerose. Sorry if my post was a little unclear. I moved and dont have my computer set up so im on my phone. Yes i was diagnosed with hodgkins in late 2006. I talk with a minister who is a friend and hospice worker from time to time. Hes such a wonderful guy but i just havent called on him. I need to. I was cleared of cancer in 08 and have just had a hard time with health since. My back issue is hopefully just radiation effects and stress but you know how our minds think. Thank you so much for replying. It does feel a lot better to talk about it.

Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

So sorry to hear about your wife. I'm sure it's been so hard if both of you have had cancer. You have to take care of yourself now. If you aren't feeling right, don't wait to have a scan. Stress can do alot to you as I know. After my husband passed away last year, I had alot of health problems and it was do to the stress.
If you feel like crying, just cry. Don't try to hold your feelings back. You didn't say if you have any family, but I'm sure you have friends who will help you.
Scott please take care & let us know how you're doing. Carole

Posts: 11
Joined: Apr 2011

Thank you Carole and Tanker. Im actually a lot better this evening. I know stress is just getting to me. The past 3 days ive just been throttled and ive been at home by myself a lot. I know where that gets. Today i called my cancer doctor for a scan and did some running around and it really helped. Listening to you guys really helps to. I have such a hard time talking to family and friends. This has been a long journey i feel like im always complaining. Im sure you all can relate. Thank you to all of you for listening.

Posts: 20
Joined: May 2011

glad to hear you r doin better. this cancer stuff can be an emotional roller coaster, and i cant even come close to imagining what you are going through. it is grwat to have family and friends that are supportive, but talking with people that have had the same experiences, for some reason, helps us all. maybe its the altruism in it. i know my thinker can go off on a bender and i get all goofed up. thats when its time to pick up the phone. i am glad to see you talk to your minister. please, dont forget to talk to God.

tanker sgv's picture
tanker sgv
Posts: 125
Joined: Nov 2010

We must not live in the horrors of our past or harbor any feeling of regret for our actions. But one must gather strength and courge knowing we have survived to live in the reality of today. One must stand tall with self-respect in order to present an image of power & pride as we charge into the future without fear of the unknown; for life will be full of loss & hardship. But it is important we do not lose ourselves in that hardship for that would be the greatest loss of all.___ I wrote this a few days ago to remind me that I am strong and my strength to move forward depends on how I want to see my past. Another thing I do quite offten is carry a note of a quote or sentence that gives me a feeling of self impowerment in my wallet. That's what works for me, it's the only way I can enjoy looking at family photos and not get lost in the sadness of feeling alone & powerless.

Posts: 51
Joined: Apr 2011

I did not know how to help you or what to say .. Your pain is our pain All of us here went through it or still fighting to save ourselves or our loved once. Be strong, cry, yell but keep living and fighting for yourself, kids and family
I lost my husband a year ago, I was diagnosed with cancer one month before he died (never told him, had surgery two months after he died and survived for our daughter.
My thoughts are with you. You can do it.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

We are never really prepared to lose someone we love so dearly. My husband died 18 months ago. The hurt is still there, but I am learning to live with it. Your grief is still new. You are still struggling to find your way. Make that appointment and get that scan! You need to take care of yourself now. I know you know that, but you are still reeling from your loss. It might be good to talk to a grief counselor. Ask your dr for a referral. Sometimes we all need a little help and you have much on your plate. For now, put one foot in front of the other and just do what you need to do. Crying is what you need to do right now, and there is no shame in that. You are not alone. Many of us here understand where you are coming from. Take care. Hugs and thoughts are coming your way. Fay

Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Scott sorry for your loss. Your being comforted by many great ppl on here that so understand. I have been in chemo treatments twice in nearly 2 yrs, boy it's tuff and when im feeling like there is no hope for me, I post and beautiful words come thru the screen, gives me hope knowing the love i get thru here is my strength, or a reminder that have it and must bring it up to the surface now and again.
You do seem more upbeat in your last few posts, good for you....... each day is a new one, and not sure if your religious man, but I pray and thank him for the strength he gives me, and I pray for you to have same strength.

Posts: 11
Joined: Apr 2011

Thanks you Tears. I have been doing better lately. Your right about how hard it is when you don't see much hope. I've been battling some kind of pain in my back for some time now. After my radiation it wasn't long that I broke 4 ribs coaching baseball. It healed but slowly afterwards I have been having bad muscle/back problems. Now its just getting worse and nobody can really pin point it. At times I get to where I just feel like giving up. I know that's not an option but its just....hard. I'm sure you know the feeling. Its nice to get on here and just vent to people who understand. This is an awesome site. I've talked to quite a few people and got a lot of support from others and it is nice. Thank you to all of you and your in my thoughts and prayers to.

Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Scott. I am very sorry for the loss of your wife and the terrible time you are going through. Although I can not relate to what you are going through with respect to your personal physical battle, I too lost my husband a little less than 4 months ago to stomach cancer and I know how devastating that loss was/is to me. I just can't imagine having to deal with your pain and all that is doing to your mind too. My thoughts and prayers are with you and may both your physical and emotional pain lessen greatly. Take care.

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