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Treating myself to a Hersheys Chocolate Candy Bar before drinking Readi-Cat2

herdizziness
herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
edited April 2011 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Yep, scan time again, my, my, my, funny how 3 months goes by too fast. Looking forward to it to tell me my cancer is looking sorry, that my surgery and chemo and Avastin has been kicking it's royal arse. Worried that it isn't arthritis that I feel in most of my bones these days. Strange to pray that the sharp pains in my bones when I move are arthritis, what a strange world, we, the cancer patients live in, where we hope for other diseases for some of our symptoms. Oh well, big sigh, won't know anything until next Friday when I see my surgeons (those wonderful Stanford surgeons)for my 3 month check up since my last visit (had the one month check up in January).
My picture of me and the sea is back again. It seems somehow poetic at this moment, with the news of Kerry, I feel lost again, looking out to sea, searching, but never seeing "my ship" come in, and hoping when it does, it isn't a one way ticket off this earthly life I live, but a round trip to Rome, to Barcelona, to Portifino to Ireland, to all the wonderful places of this world that I want to see, some once again, some new.
Ahhh, so sad lately, but I still laugh and love, so all is good.
Philosophically,
Winter Marie

Comments

  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043
    This is where I met you.....bewildered and wraggled
    frustrated, pissed at the world and all in it. Why me, why not me, they tell me there is no hope for me, they tell me im inoperable, now guess what I am a surgical candidate, now look at me, all cancer seems to be gone...and finally look at me...I have come full circle, I am back in my chair at the beach replenished in mood because I survived instead of perished...and yet I feel that my life is still unfilled, for some reason I am not whole. Although I sit where I started but now it is through different eyes that I see things so changed in me, never knowing if they will ever be normal again, but in any instance they are now and I am here with them, alive, I should be thankful and I am, I have not only seen but governed a wedding, kept my grandchild for a week, discovered that yeah, I get a second chance at living, and not to wonder why, but to relish in the extra time I have been fortunate enough to receive. Now to find that this next scan will be as good as the first, although I do feel uneasy, I won't be because everyday now is an extra blessing I get, everyday is another with the family I love. I sit on this beach and think of how this has come full circle, and at what costs were to bear for it, but I am here nonetheless, thinking of my friends present and passed, and can't help but think that even if the news is good or bad, I am still here to hear it and to feel for each of my friends in celebration or defeat news that for a time in my life, I thought might not be feasible. I sit in awe of how things can seem so bleak, but then become so alive and vivid. That has been my life, that has been my feelings.........


    Winter Marie.......I took the picture of you at the beach and decided to take you as if you were me and describe how I might feel being in the shoes you were in at that time. Forgive me if I offend you for doing this. It was something I wanted to write, something I felt driving me to type this...I simply wanted to step into your shoes and see what I might feel if I were told what you were at the begining, and then came from where you were to where you are now. I am hopeful you find it as a tribute to you and not an insult. Your demeanor and candor through all of this has been another light that shines in this walk...and your return to your beginning just seems to be where you wanted to always be....and it looks as though you made it.......Love to you, yours, and everything you come in contact with, you make an art out of making all things good..........buzz
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    Buzzard said:

    This is where I met you.....bewildered and wraggled
    frustrated, pissed at the world and all in it. Why me, why not me, they tell me there is no hope for me, they tell me im inoperable, now guess what I am a surgical candidate, now look at me, all cancer seems to be gone...and finally look at me...I have come full circle, I am back in my chair at the beach replenished in mood because I survived instead of perished...and yet I feel that my life is still unfilled, for some reason I am not whole. Although I sit where I started but now it is through different eyes that I see things so changed in me, never knowing if they will ever be normal again, but in any instance they are now and I am here with them, alive, I should be thankful and I am, I have not only seen but governed a wedding, kept my grandchild for a week, discovered that yeah, I get a second chance at living, and not to wonder why, but to relish in the extra time I have been fortunate enough to receive. Now to find that this next scan will be as good as the first, although I do feel uneasy, I won't be because everyday now is an extra blessing I get, everyday is another with the family I love. I sit on this beach and think of how this has come full circle, and at what costs were to bear for it, but I am here nonetheless, thinking of my friends present and passed, and can't help but think that even if the news is good or bad, I am still here to hear it and to feel for each of my friends in celebration or defeat news that for a time in my life, I thought might not be feasible. I sit in awe of how things can seem so bleak, but then become so alive and vivid. That has been my life, that has been my feelings.........


    Winter Marie.......I took the picture of you at the beach and decided to take you as if you were me and describe how I might feel being in the shoes you were in at that time. Forgive me if I offend you for doing this. It was something I wanted to write, something I felt driving me to type this...I simply wanted to step into your shoes and see what I might feel if I were told what you were at the begining, and then came from where you were to where you are now. I am hopeful you find it as a tribute to you and not an insult. Your demeanor and candor through all of this has been another light that shines in this walk...and your return to your beginning just seems to be where you wanted to always be....and it looks as though you made it.......Love to you, yours, and everything you come in contact with, you make an art out of making all things good..........buzz

    Buzz
    Ahh, why would you think I would be offended? Why, because you spoke my thoughts? You "get" me?
    No, my friend, I feel honored that you know me well enough to be able to step into my "shoes" and see through my eyes what I see and what I feel. Thank you my friend, a wonderful tribute indeed. Even though you made me cry, they were good tears.
    Winter Marie
  • tina dasilva
    tina dasilva Member Posts: 641
    Heres to best vibes
    i'm sending best vibes and best wishes on your scan my dear . lots of love too Tina
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787

    Heres to best vibes
    i'm sending best vibes and best wishes on your scan my dear . lots of love too Tina

    Oh Great!
    Now Im crying too.... Buzz, that was a beautiful tribute.... for a minute I felt you were talking about me.... I have thought those thoughts too. Very wonderful words Buzz...... I might just buy you a beer at CP9. And now....DIZZ...I am definately buying you a beer at CP9 cause we will be celebrating the clear results you gonna get on this scan....heck, it's gonna be such great results we might have to get drunk!!! LOL...ok, that means 2 beers..LOLOLOL!!! You all good now girlfriend???

    Jennie
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392
    I Once Was Lost......
    .....but now I'm Found:)

    I'm still here with you, Winter - that's not much of a consolation prize.

    I'm not going to try to follow Buzz after that post:)

    -Craig
  • smokeyjoe
    smokeyjoe Member Posts: 1,425

    Oh Great!
    Now Im crying too.... Buzz, that was a beautiful tribute.... for a minute I felt you were talking about me.... I have thought those thoughts too. Very wonderful words Buzz...... I might just buy you a beer at CP9. And now....DIZZ...I am definately buying you a beer at CP9 cause we will be celebrating the clear results you gonna get on this scan....heck, it's gonna be such great results we might have to get drunk!!! LOL...ok, that means 2 beers..LOLOLOL!!! You all good now girlfriend???

    Jennie

    Buzz you hit the nail on
    Buzz you hit the nail on the head with your words ....it was so bang on with what I think most of us are feeling. Lovely.
  • pepebcn
    pepebcn Member Posts: 6,331
    Sundanceh said:

    I Once Was Lost......
    .....but now I'm Found:)

    I'm still here with you, Winter - that's not much of a consolation prize.

    I'm not going to try to follow Buzz after that post:)

    -Craig

    Melancholic winter?
    Hope the best results on your control , I'm sure it's going to be fine, praying for it!
    Hugs!
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673
    Winter Marie
    I hope you sail through your scan! You have done so well throughout this past year.
  • Trapbear
    Trapbear Member Posts: 108
    Big warm hugs coming your way
    Sending you warm hugs, waiting for scan results are never fun. You are doing so well and living so fully, sending you lots of love....go outside and enjoy our beautiful Northern California spring day!
  • angelsbaby
    angelsbaby Member Posts: 1,165
    Trapbear said:

    Big warm hugs coming your way
    Sending you warm hugs, waiting for scan results are never fun. You are doing so well and living so fully, sending you lots of love....go outside and enjoy our beautiful Northern California spring day!

    I
    am hoping for good news take care have a wonderful weekend

    michelle
  • allmost60
    allmost60 Member Posts: 3,178
    Buzzard said:

    This is where I met you.....bewildered and wraggled
    frustrated, pissed at the world and all in it. Why me, why not me, they tell me there is no hope for me, they tell me im inoperable, now guess what I am a surgical candidate, now look at me, all cancer seems to be gone...and finally look at me...I have come full circle, I am back in my chair at the beach replenished in mood because I survived instead of perished...and yet I feel that my life is still unfilled, for some reason I am not whole. Although I sit where I started but now it is through different eyes that I see things so changed in me, never knowing if they will ever be normal again, but in any instance they are now and I am here with them, alive, I should be thankful and I am, I have not only seen but governed a wedding, kept my grandchild for a week, discovered that yeah, I get a second chance at living, and not to wonder why, but to relish in the extra time I have been fortunate enough to receive. Now to find that this next scan will be as good as the first, although I do feel uneasy, I won't be because everyday now is an extra blessing I get, everyday is another with the family I love. I sit on this beach and think of how this has come full circle, and at what costs were to bear for it, but I am here nonetheless, thinking of my friends present and passed, and can't help but think that even if the news is good or bad, I am still here to hear it and to feel for each of my friends in celebration or defeat news that for a time in my life, I thought might not be feasible. I sit in awe of how things can seem so bleak, but then become so alive and vivid. That has been my life, that has been my feelings.........


    Winter Marie.......I took the picture of you at the beach and decided to take you as if you were me and describe how I might feel being in the shoes you were in at that time. Forgive me if I offend you for doing this. It was something I wanted to write, something I felt driving me to type this...I simply wanted to step into your shoes and see what I might feel if I were told what you were at the begining, and then came from where you were to where you are now. I am hopeful you find it as a tribute to you and not an insult. Your demeanor and candor through all of this has been another light that shines in this walk...and your return to your beginning just seems to be where you wanted to always be....and it looks as though you made it.......Love to you, yours, and everything you come in contact with, you make an art out of making all things good..........buzz

    Wow!
    I'm your resident "daily" lurker. Holy smokes Buzz... this post to Winter Marie just blew me away! You "DO" get her and proves how devoted and caring you are as you watch over your buddies in this group. Dang...made me cry too Buzz...but it was a "good" cry!
    Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)
  • plh4gail
    plh4gail Member Posts: 1,238
    Winter Marie and Buzz
    Winter Marie, I am so happy you were able to tell cancer to kiss your ***!!!

    Buzz, your words after reading Winter Marie's were so beautiful and connected perfectly!

    Love & hugs, Gail
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625
    thinking of you
    Hi Winter Marie,

    Yeah, it's funny how quickly scan time can sneak up on you again, huh?!
    I used to have such pain in my bones and joints. Was thinking/praying it was arthritis, like you... sad, huh? I was tested for rheumatoid arthritis and gout and they both came back negative. My joints hurt so bad that I was often in tears. Interestingly, I don't have that problem anymore, or at least I haven't for close to a year now. (with some exception, explained below). It recently came back just a bit of time before I started in with the naturopathic dr. He said that chemo depletes your body of important minerals and he believes it's the lack of those minerals that causes the bone and joint pain. (not to say that's the cause of everyone's bone and/or joint pain, but he believed it to be so in my case).
    So, he put me on fairly high doses of calicium orotate, potassium, and magnesium. Funny, the pain went away again. Not too long ago, I ran out of the calcium and magnesium & told him that when I went in & by the way my knees, fingers, and toe joints were really hurting. He looked at me and said, "well you just told me you've gone a few days without the minerals. There you go." Got the minerals going again & pain went away within 2 days & is still away.
    Worth trying! I wish I had known this a couple of years ago when I was going to my primary care dr about thinking I had arthritis, finding out the tests were negative for arthritis and then wondering what in the world was wrong with me!
    Wish oncologists would be more up on replenishing what chemo robs the body of!

    Take care & I'll be thinking of you as your scan comes up.

    Lisa :)
  • Love2Cats
    Love2Cats Member Posts: 127
    Hoping for the best for you
    Hi neighbor, feel good that you are having your scans done at the #1 hospital in the area. I hear Stanford is mahvelous dahling! I wish you the best, and keep thinking positive thoughts. Next time try a Dove bar, especially if you like milk chocolate, they are my fav guilty pleasure.
  • momma g
    momma g Member Posts: 6
    Buzzard said:

    This is where I met you.....bewildered and wraggled
    frustrated, pissed at the world and all in it. Why me, why not me, they tell me there is no hope for me, they tell me im inoperable, now guess what I am a surgical candidate, now look at me, all cancer seems to be gone...and finally look at me...I have come full circle, I am back in my chair at the beach replenished in mood because I survived instead of perished...and yet I feel that my life is still unfilled, for some reason I am not whole. Although I sit where I started but now it is through different eyes that I see things so changed in me, never knowing if they will ever be normal again, but in any instance they are now and I am here with them, alive, I should be thankful and I am, I have not only seen but governed a wedding, kept my grandchild for a week, discovered that yeah, I get a second chance at living, and not to wonder why, but to relish in the extra time I have been fortunate enough to receive. Now to find that this next scan will be as good as the first, although I do feel uneasy, I won't be because everyday now is an extra blessing I get, everyday is another with the family I love. I sit on this beach and think of how this has come full circle, and at what costs were to bear for it, but I am here nonetheless, thinking of my friends present and passed, and can't help but think that even if the news is good or bad, I am still here to hear it and to feel for each of my friends in celebration or defeat news that for a time in my life, I thought might not be feasible. I sit in awe of how things can seem so bleak, but then become so alive and vivid. That has been my life, that has been my feelings.........


    Winter Marie.......I took the picture of you at the beach and decided to take you as if you were me and describe how I might feel being in the shoes you were in at that time. Forgive me if I offend you for doing this. It was something I wanted to write, something I felt driving me to type this...I simply wanted to step into your shoes and see what I might feel if I were told what you were at the begining, and then came from where you were to where you are now. I am hopeful you find it as a tribute to you and not an insult. Your demeanor and candor through all of this has been another light that shines in this walk...and your return to your beginning just seems to be where you wanted to always be....and it looks as though you made it.......Love to you, yours, and everything you come in contact with, you make an art out of making all things good..........buzz

    WOW
    My words seem inadequate compared to the ones I read. I have been quietly reading and following for over a year. Yet, I find strength with every daily post I read- for me it's an addiction, giving me hope and reality, somedays tears shed over the ones I've come to know but not really know that have passed. You are all truly special, giving meaning and significance to each other-what a gift. Stay strong in mind and spirit.
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,036
    Praying you're fine!
    Praying for great scan results!

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624

    I
    am hoping for good news take care have a wonderful weekend

    michelle

    Thank you Michelle
    I think of you quite often dear. And yes, we shall hope for good news. Thanks for being here for us, you do not know how much we appreciate you!!
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    lisa42 said:

    thinking of you
    Hi Winter Marie,

    Yeah, it's funny how quickly scan time can sneak up on you again, huh?!
    I used to have such pain in my bones and joints. Was thinking/praying it was arthritis, like you... sad, huh? I was tested for rheumatoid arthritis and gout and they both came back negative. My joints hurt so bad that I was often in tears. Interestingly, I don't have that problem anymore, or at least I haven't for close to a year now. (with some exception, explained below). It recently came back just a bit of time before I started in with the naturopathic dr. He said that chemo depletes your body of important minerals and he believes it's the lack of those minerals that causes the bone and joint pain. (not to say that's the cause of everyone's bone and/or joint pain, but he believed it to be so in my case).
    So, he put me on fairly high doses of calicium orotate, potassium, and magnesium. Funny, the pain went away again. Not too long ago, I ran out of the calcium and magnesium & told him that when I went in & by the way my knees, fingers, and toe joints were really hurting. He looked at me and said, "well you just told me you've gone a few days without the minerals. There you go." Got the minerals going again & pain went away within 2 days & is still away.
    Worth trying! I wish I had known this a couple of years ago when I was going to my primary care dr about thinking I had arthritis, finding out the tests were negative for arthritis and then wondering what in the world was wrong with me!
    Wish oncologists would be more up on replenishing what chemo robs the body of!

    Take care & I'll be thinking of you as your scan comes up.

    Lisa :)

    Dear Lisa
    Yes, I keep thinking I have to listen to you and John23 and do try the minerals, I promise to give it a go someday!!!
    Thanks you for your thoughts.
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    AnneCan said:

    Winter Marie
    I hope you sail through your scan! You have done so well throughout this past year.

    Anne
    Have I mentioned lately how much I appreciate you and yours words? No? Well, I do. Your such a sweetheart!!!
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624

    Heres to best vibes
    i'm sending best vibes and best wishes on your scan my dear . lots of love too Tina

    Tina
    I felt those vibes and so did the cancer, your best vibes probably scared the heck out of my cancer and my scan will be just fine.
    Thank you so much!!!
    Love back at you,
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    allmost60 said:

    Wow!
    I'm your resident "daily" lurker. Holy smokes Buzz... this post to Winter Marie just blew me away! You "DO" get her and proves how devoted and caring you are as you watch over your buddies in this group. Dang...made me cry too Buzz...but it was a "good" cry!
    Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

    To our two lurkers
    Glad to hear from you!!! Buzz does have his way with words and feelings. Thank you both for posting, and don't be strangers, here?!?!?!
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    Sundanceh said:

    I Once Was Lost......
    .....but now I'm Found:)

    I'm still here with you, Winter - that's not much of a consolation prize.

    I'm not going to try to follow Buzz after that post:)

    -Craig

    My dearest Craig
    Of course you're with me, we walk side by side quite often, I talk to you as I take my walks, when I drive by the ocean, when I'm scared or feeling alone, your there beside me, making my day easier, my burdens lighter, my soul happier. I could not have done this journey this far without you next to me, my dear friend.
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    plh4gail said:

    Winter Marie and Buzz
    Winter Marie, I am so happy you were able to tell cancer to kiss your ***!!!

    Buzz, your words after reading Winter Marie's were so beautiful and connected perfectly!

    Love & hugs, Gail

    Yep Gail
    We all need to keep telling cancer to kiss our royal arses!!!
    Thinking about you girl. Feeling empathy on your hair, it made me cry when I read your words on the other post. I wrote an ode to cancer about my hair somewhere, mind you I didn't lose it all, just half of it, enough I felt offended at the cancer for causing another whack back at me, so I gave it what for in this ode, I'll have to find it and send it to you.
    Love and hugs Gail.
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    Love2Cats said:

    Hoping for the best for you
    Hi neighbor, feel good that you are having your scans done at the #1 hospital in the area. I hear Stanford is mahvelous dahling! I wish you the best, and keep thinking positive thoughts. Next time try a Dove bar, especially if you like milk chocolate, they are my fav guilty pleasure.

    OMGoodness
    I have to stay away from the Dove bars, just love them way to much!!!! LOL.
    And yes, dahling, Stanford is just mahvelous, indeed!!!
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    tootsie1 said:

    Praying you're fine!
    Praying for great scan results!

    *hugs*
    Gail

    Gail
    My dear Tootsie (I like to think of you as Tootsie, it seems to fit you so well, kind of a joyous nick name, I just love it).
    You've always got a pray and a hug ready. We all, I believe appreciate it very much.
    A hug returned to you,
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624

    Oh Great!
    Now Im crying too.... Buzz, that was a beautiful tribute.... for a minute I felt you were talking about me.... I have thought those thoughts too. Very wonderful words Buzz...... I might just buy you a beer at CP9. And now....DIZZ...I am definately buying you a beer at CP9 cause we will be celebrating the clear results you gonna get on this scan....heck, it's gonna be such great results we might have to get drunk!!! LOL...ok, that means 2 beers..LOLOLOL!!! You all good now girlfriend???

    Jennie

    Girlfriend
    Jennie, make it 2 screwdrivers!!!!! I'll skip the beer. Chicago is cold, need extra warmth of that "hard" liquor. LOL.
    All good!!!
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    pepebcn said:

    Melancholic winter?
    Hope the best results on your control , I'm sure it's going to be fine, praying for it!
    Hugs!

    Ahh, your such a sweetie Pepon
    Melancholy plays with my mind once in a while, when I think of Kerry most lately, it's there. But I know Kerry wouldn't appreciate that, so I try to get over it quickly.
    Thanks for the hugs!!!
    Winter Marie
  • Gail
    My dear Tootsie (I like to think of you as Tootsie, it seems to fit you so well, kind of a joyous nick name, I just love it).
    You've always got a pray and a hug ready. We all, I believe appreciate it very much.
    A hug returned to you,
    Winter Marie

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    unknown said:

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

    Yes Graci
    Both you and Lisa have posted me on this, and I swear I'm going to do something, and then do nothing,except for potassium trying to eat more bananas, I don't do supplements, because quite frankly, I just don't do pills. Since cancer, I've learned to finally do my blood pressure pills so I don't die from a stroke due to the avastin (Onc made a strong case for taking my blood pressure pills)and my Xeloda. Before cancer, even with a headache I wouldn't take an aspirin, if it was in a pill I refused to do it, hate chemicals (now look at me, one of many chemo queens)If I can find it in a natural food, that's what I go for. And someone posted a food list, BUT it wasn't in a PM to me, so I have "forgotten" where the post was to look it up. One thing I remembered was liver, because of Nanab's strong reason for being against "Liver". LOL.
    Winter Marie
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624
    Trapbear said:

    Big warm hugs coming your way
    Sending you warm hugs, waiting for scan results are never fun. You are doing so well and living so fully, sending you lots of love....go outside and enjoy our beautiful Northern California spring day!

    OH my dear
    I so enjoyed our beautiful weather today, thank you for the wonderful suggestion, after I got back from the ct scan, out I went, and out I stayed, wow, what a beautiful day. I'm wondering if you aren't a secret doctor, after all you gave me the best "prescription" to go out and enjoy the weather and the day. It was FABULOUS!!!!
    Thank you, thank you, thank you, sweet Bill.
    Winter Marie