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I am a wuss

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

This RICE chemo is kicking me from all directions. I didn't get out of bed till after 3 yesterday. I don't know if I can do this or not.

Beth

yesyes2
Posts: 592
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Beth, I am so sorry that you are feeling so rotten. And it's totally understandable and acceptable to question your resolve. From everything I have read and heared RICE is a very rough chemo. In no way are you a wuss. You want to kick this cancers butt with everything you can and for that you are a smart and strong women.

I know the third day after my first RCHOP my husband came home to a wife out of control from both the steroids and the sickness, fatigue, and icky feelings of chemo. I cried and told him than I didn't think I could do it, it was just too hard. He just held me and listened to me. After the first week, day by day I begain to feel better and at that 3rd week mark I showed up for my next chemo.

I've read your blogs and remarks on your expressions page, and Beth you are a women to be admired. You have it in you to do this, and we will be here to listen to you and support you with our love, prayers, understanding, and John's wise *** remarks.

With love and blessings to you,
Leslie

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

I was so proud of myself for not blubbering within the first week and as soon I read your post I'm bawling...like a baby. I'm tired of not feeling strong enough to stand upright. I'm dizzy, lightheaded and feel like about a 50 pound block of concrete on my chest. Then lets discuss how frustrating this port still feels :( and out of place. I go to stand up but I have to "really want to" at this point, and I simply feel it's too soon to be at that point already you know?

I think my goal of working through this is a fantasy. I'm too dizzy at this point, and they just gave me "dual monitors" at work so my entire world is changing. I was to the point of tears at work Thursday afternoon so ready for the end of the day, it's like my whole ability to comprehend was too much.

Thanks for being such a sweetie and letting me fall here before my hubby has to see it first hand. It's so hard to let him see me down. I feel like I need to be strong for my family to be able to deal with this. The transplant chemo is now absolutely mind numbing terrifying. Damn. Lord help me get through this. Let me feel everyone's good wishes and good vibes while I can still feel.

Thanks Guys,

Beth

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3184
Joined: Jul 2010

Oh dear sweet Beth,
You are soooo not a wuss!Remember me during the 5 days on pred? Wah,wah,wah.....all I did was piss and moan, whine and cry. My BMB? Oh my gosh...talk about a total whacked out cry baby!! If it hadn't been for you, John, Vinny and "EVERYONE" here, I would have lost my mind! You can "fall" here any old time you feel like it and we will support you and help get you through this. You are one tough cookie dear lady even though you feel like a pile of crumbs right now. I am so sorry this RICE chemo is knocking you down so hard! Just rest,rest,rest! I can't believe you are working during this!!!! See what I mean by...one "tough A$$ cookie"!!! I look at what you,Vinny, Liz, Lisha and Fran have endured(and still are)...well, it just humbles me. You will make it through this. Try not to think about the SCT right now and just focus on one thing at a time. I know thats easy to say, but thats what you always told me. Rest as best you can dear lady and know we are ALWAYS here for you. Much love...Sue
(FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

scuttlebug
Posts: 59
Joined: Mar 2011

beth i havent been on here long, but what i have read about you you sound like a very strong lady and you are still working,you remind me of the song i am woman, hear me roar. you can do this. you are in my prayers denise

JoanieP's picture
JoanieP
Posts: 573
Joined: Mar 2010

I am so sorry you are going throught this terrible time. Your husband and familiy love you and the chemo just wrecks your emotions. I know women often feel like they need to be strong for everyone but this is the time to depend on others. Please take care . I can't imagine working and feeling so lousy. You are a strong women and I admire your strength Joanie

Michele23
Posts: 168
Joined: Mar 2011

Sounds like your having some really stormy days.I agree the whole process sucks big time but you can't stop now and let this monster win.You'll whether this storm and one day when this is past the sun will again.Stay strong hang tight.Hugs,Michele

miss maggie
Posts: 929
Joined: Mar 2010

Dear Beth,

First, let me say you are not a wuss. No way.

Please don't give up. No matter what comes my way, and I just can't stand it.
I keep saying to myself everything comes to an end evently. The good and the bad.
We always hate the good to end, but it does. Most certainly he bad will come to an end
also. Just keep saying that to yourself when you're ready to give up. Please try and look at
the end result. If the monster goes away, it was all worth it. All positive things are
worth it.

Let the angels give you strength. Prayers from me and all. Love Maggie

vinny59's picture
vinny59
Posts: 1032
Joined: Nov 2006

there are no wuss's when fighting cancer, only the brave my dear!!!!! You be as strong as you can, it's ok to feel like you are! It will be over soon, just think of the prize. Know that we are all praying for you........ Vinny

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

Thank you guys. I know little by little I'll come back from the living dead. I think I still need the nausea med, made a mistake yesterday of doing the dishes and stood too long, and got dizzy, about puked and couldn't function at all for an hour and a half until the med got it back under control. Needless to say Jim was very upset with me for trying to be helpful. I was informed DO NOT DO THE DISHES! (he don't need to say that twice) lol.
It just amazes me that standing can upset me so much.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I just want to have a good day, even just 1/2 a good day would be nice.

Thanks for the prayers and the you can do it's! I need reminders often :)
Beth

onlytoday's picture
onlytoday
Posts: 603
Joined: Jun 2010

Beth,

Haven't been on here as much lately but saw your post. Listen if there's one thing I know it is your strength!! I've read your posts about your journey and the encouragement to others including me. So now it's our turn! You go girl! Hey today might suck but a brighter day is coming. And we are with you all the way!! You can cry your heart out to us anytime with no judgment, we've done the same!! Praying for you today and always. (Esp for a very blessed birthday tomorrow!)

Love,
Donna

Faith_
Posts: 56
Joined: Mar 2011

Happy Birthday, Beth. Sending you tons of Birthday blessings today and all the days ahead.

miss maggie
Posts: 929
Joined: Mar 2010

Dear Beth,

Happy, Happy, feel better, birthday from me.

Love Maggie

Faith_
Posts: 56
Joined: Mar 2011

I agree with Vinny...there are no wuss's when fighting cancer, only the brave. Hang in there!!! Be strong and fight the fight!!!

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