Moving on after cancer

I just finished treatemnts for Hodgkins 2a bulky disease. I am relieved to finally be done with treatments but at the same time I find myself not really knowing how to procceed. I want to just forget this whole cancer nightmare and move on with life, but I don't think I'll ever be able to do that completley. Especially when fears of relapse are never THAT far from my mind. Even with being told my prognosis is good and that my chance of relapse is very low... I still worry.

Comments

  • Zarx
    Zarx Member Posts: 4
    I am the same way. I was
    I am the same way. I was diagnosed as Stage 4 hodgkins. Was in my neck, my chest and spots on my liver. I also had radiation. The primary bulk for me was my neck. I'm still worried it will come back. My doctors even said everything was fine for me also, I guess its just the fear of it coming back which sucks and having to go through all the psychological effects of cancer is what honestly scares me the most. I had about 90% of the people I thought were friends ditch me when I was diagnosed with cancer. I don't think I could handle going through that type of depression again on top of going through treatments again.
  • COBRA666
    COBRA666 Member Posts: 2,401
    Zarx said:

    I am the same way. I was
    I am the same way. I was diagnosed as Stage 4 hodgkins. Was in my neck, my chest and spots on my liver. I also had radiation. The primary bulk for me was my neck. I'm still worried it will come back. My doctors even said everything was fine for me also, I guess its just the fear of it coming back which sucks and having to go through all the psychological effects of cancer is what honestly scares me the most. I had about 90% of the people I thought were friends ditch me when I was diagnosed with cancer. I don't think I could handle going through that type of depression again on top of going through treatments again.

    True Friends
    Zarx,
    This may sound funny to you,but at the same time it is so very true. When I was a little kid my uncle said to me one day,I guess because I was talking about all my friends. He said let me tell you something about friends and never forget it. "When you get to be an old man and look back at your real true friends you will find you can count them on one hand and still have enough fingers left to pick your nose." You know what? I never forgot that. Its funny sometimes how old sayings can be so true. It's sort of like the day you got your drivers licence and you had friends come out of the woodwork you never knew existed. I know that sounds so familiar to a lot of people.So do not worry about them,they were never your friends anyway.John(FNHL-1-4A-5/10)
  • allmost60
    allmost60 Member Posts: 3,178
    Friends...
    Welcome MeAfter30 and Zarx...
    Quite a few of us here have finished our chemo treatments and share the same thoughts and fears as you. Knowing our cancer may come back keeps us feeling vulnerable and bit helpless. It's a scary feeling no matter what age we are. We can always come here... a friendly atmosphere of support and love. No turn coat friends in our group...."we'll get by with a little help from our friends"...(love that song).
    Hang in there....Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)
  • COBRA666
    COBRA666 Member Posts: 2,401
    allmost60 said:

    Friends...
    Welcome MeAfter30 and Zarx...
    Quite a few of us here have finished our chemo treatments and share the same thoughts and fears as you. Knowing our cancer may come back keeps us feeling vulnerable and bit helpless. It's a scary feeling no matter what age we are. We can always come here... a friendly atmosphere of support and love. No turn coat friends in our group...."we'll get by with a little help from our friends"...(love that song).
    Hang in there....Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

    Oh No
    Oh my goodness,Another Beatles fan.LOL Give me John Fogerty and Creedence Clearwater Revival. John(FNHL-1-4A-5/10)
  • onlytoday
    onlytoday Member Posts: 609 Member
    COBRA666 said:

    Oh No
    Oh my goodness,Another Beatles fan.LOL Give me John Fogerty and Creedence Clearwater Revival. John(FNHL-1-4A-5/10)

    Welcome
    I agree with all that has been said. This is the hardest journey you'll ever be on but the greatest thing is that we are not alone! We always will have eachother to walk this walk together and that is a big comfort. We all have had similar experiences and there is nothing like being understood, especially under these circumstances. So hang in there and remember we are all here together!

    And John... how about the Moody Blues!

    Donna

    NMZ NHL Stage IV 05/10 REMISSION 01/11/11
  • COBRA666
    COBRA666 Member Posts: 2,401
    onlytoday said:

    Welcome
    I agree with all that has been said. This is the hardest journey you'll ever be on but the greatest thing is that we are not alone! We always will have eachother to walk this walk together and that is a big comfort. We all have had similar experiences and there is nothing like being understood, especially under these circumstances. So hang in there and remember we are all here together!

    And John... how about the Moody Blues!

    Donna

    NMZ NHL Stage IV 05/10 REMISSION 01/11/11

    Moody Blues
    Donna,
    They were good too!!!(NIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN) Seems us old FARTS remember all the great ones HAHAHA John(FNHL-1-4A-5/10)
  • allmost60
    allmost60 Member Posts: 3,178
    COBRA666 said:

    Moody Blues
    Donna,
    They were good too!!!(NIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN) Seems us old FARTS remember all the great ones HAHAHA John(FNHL-1-4A-5/10)

    Ahhhh
    The Doors/Crystal Ship...BeeGees//Night Fever....chemo can't take away those good old day memories!...ha! Loves ya all..Sue (NHL-2-3A-6/10
  • miss maggie
    miss maggie Member Posts: 929
    I understand so well
    Hello,

    You are not alone. My oncologist told me I was in remission as of Jan 2011. She doesn't expect the cancer to return, and if it does, 5 to 7 years. Wishful thinking. Now that I have an appointment in May, I am starting to worry again. I don't think we will ever be able to rest completely. Somewhere in the back of our minds, we can't forget. I just try and enjoy the time between appointments with my doctor. It is out of my hands. I have no control, and I will try and do the best I can.

    Love Maggie
  • allmost60
    allmost60 Member Posts: 3,178

    I understand so well
    Hello,

    You are not alone. My oncologist told me I was in remission as of Jan 2011. She doesn't expect the cancer to return, and if it does, 5 to 7 years. Wishful thinking. Now that I have an appointment in May, I am starting to worry again. I don't think we will ever be able to rest completely. Somewhere in the back of our minds, we can't forget. I just try and enjoy the time between appointments with my doctor. It is out of my hands. I have no control, and I will try and do the best I can.

    Love Maggie

    back of our minds...
    Hi Maggie,
    I know exactly how you are feeling! The left side of my neck has been a little bit swollen and sore for the last 10 days and the area around my colar bone is tender to the touch. In January my CT scan showed slight activity with the tumor under my colar bone so instead of declaring me in remission my onc said I was "stable". He started my rituxan maint early in hopes of attacking this one pesky tumor and put it non-active and possibly getting me to a full remission staus. Well...you know where my mind is at....that little guy in my head is saying..'the tumor is growing again and the rituxan isn't working". I'm trying to stay positive with telling my self...."no, it's not growing... the rituxan is just shrinking it and thats probably why it's swollen and sore". I go in on April 11th for my second rituxan infusion and will have my doctor check this out, but man oh man..it's going to be a real challenge to shut that little guy up in my mind until I DO see the doctor...ya know? I feel fine on every other level, but this one little area has me wondering. I'll keep good positive thoughts that your exam in May will be "all" good! We have to think as positive as possible until we know for sure that something has truely changed...Love..Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)
  • yesyes2
    yesyes2 Member Posts: 591
    allmost60 said:

    back of our minds...
    Hi Maggie,
    I know exactly how you are feeling! The left side of my neck has been a little bit swollen and sore for the last 10 days and the area around my colar bone is tender to the touch. In January my CT scan showed slight activity with the tumor under my colar bone so instead of declaring me in remission my onc said I was "stable". He started my rituxan maint early in hopes of attacking this one pesky tumor and put it non-active and possibly getting me to a full remission staus. Well...you know where my mind is at....that little guy in my head is saying..'the tumor is growing again and the rituxan isn't working". I'm trying to stay positive with telling my self...."no, it's not growing... the rituxan is just shrinking it and thats probably why it's swollen and sore". I go in on April 11th for my second rituxan infusion and will have my doctor check this out, but man oh man..it's going to be a real challenge to shut that little guy up in my mind until I DO see the doctor...ya know? I feel fine on every other level, but this one little area has me wondering. I'll keep good positive thoughts that your exam in May will be "all" good! We have to think as positive as possible until we know for sure that something has truely changed...Love..Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

    Thinking
    Hi Sue,

    Let me play devils advocate for a moment. Why do we have to think positive? I'm not being funny but am really sincer in my question. I try to come to terms with my fears, and I have lots of them when it come to cancer, but I also try to prepare for the worst. You know the old saying, prepare for the worst and hope for the best, guess thats how I deal with it. I know it's really streessful waiting on test results, especially sitting in the oncs office.
    I do like the way you worded your reply, think as positive as possible......... Just so many people say be positive and I just wonder why?

    Love to all the peeps,
    Leslie
  • MeAfter30
    MeAfter30 Member Posts: 2

    I understand so well
    Hello,

    You are not alone. My oncologist told me I was in remission as of Jan 2011. She doesn't expect the cancer to return, and if it does, 5 to 7 years. Wishful thinking. Now that I have an appointment in May, I am starting to worry again. I don't think we will ever be able to rest completely. Somewhere in the back of our minds, we can't forget. I just try and enjoy the time between appointments with my doctor. It is out of my hands. I have no control, and I will try and do the best I can.

    Love Maggie

    Thanks
    Thanks for the responses. It is nice to hear from others who know exactly what I am going through. :D

    Maggie~ I wonder why it is that your docotor said if your cancer did return it wouldn't be for 5-7 years? I was under the impression that your chances of relapse go DOWN as the years go on and that after 5yrs you are considered cured.
  • miss maggie
    miss maggie Member Posts: 929
    allmost60 said:

    back of our minds...
    Hi Maggie,
    I know exactly how you are feeling! The left side of my neck has been a little bit swollen and sore for the last 10 days and the area around my colar bone is tender to the touch. In January my CT scan showed slight activity with the tumor under my colar bone so instead of declaring me in remission my onc said I was "stable". He started my rituxan maint early in hopes of attacking this one pesky tumor and put it non-active and possibly getting me to a full remission staus. Well...you know where my mind is at....that little guy in my head is saying..'the tumor is growing again and the rituxan isn't working". I'm trying to stay positive with telling my self...."no, it's not growing... the rituxan is just shrinking it and thats probably why it's swollen and sore". I go in on April 11th for my second rituxan infusion and will have my doctor check this out, but man oh man..it's going to be a real challenge to shut that little guy up in my mind until I DO see the doctor...ya know? I feel fine on every other level, but this one little area has me wondering. I'll keep good positive thoughts that your exam in May will be "all" good! We have to think as positive as possible until we know for sure that something has truely changed...Love..Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

    Oh Sue-Leslie too
    I have no idea what's coming over me. Suddenly I feel so depressed. I care so much for
    all of you, and worry about how you all are feeling.

    I am so sorry for your worry and doubts. How can you not be afraid? As far as keeping positive, that's great. But, I do expect from time to time to feel not so positive. I have to deal with those thoughts. At least these negative feelings are fleeting.

    I remember how worried you were about getting Rituxan treatment. I am so glad the treatment went better than expected. Please give the treatment a chance.

    I guess all of us are feeling a bit worried and sad. Go away bad thoughts and negativity.

    Love you Sue Maggie
  • miss maggie
    miss maggie Member Posts: 929
    MeAfter30 said:

    Thanks
    Thanks for the responses. It is nice to hear from others who know exactly what I am going through. :D

    Maggie~ I wonder why it is that your docotor said if your cancer did return it wouldn't be for 5-7 years? I was under the impression that your chances of relapse go DOWN as the years go on and that after 5yrs you are considered cured.

    Good question
    Hi,

    My oncologist told me she doesn't expect the cancer to return, and if it does, it might be
    4 or 5 years. I really can't explain, why she said what she did. I will ask her in May.

    The only thought that comes to my mind is the following. In Sept 2009 I had horrible pain in my stomach area. I was rushed to the hospital, had a CT scan that showed my small bowel perforated. I was rushed into the operating room to have my small bowel resected. I was in bad shape and was in the hospital for a total of 3 weeks. It was horrible. The perforation was caused by NHL. Perhaps, because I was operated on, they removed the cancer. I can't help feeling, you know how that sometimes turns out? I had all the usual, bone marrow biopsy, colonscopy, all negative. The last 2 scans came out negative also.
    I did have Rituxan in Dec 2009 once weekly for 4 weeks.

    As I wrote Sue and Leslie, at this moment I am not feeling so hopeful. I can't help these negative feelings. I'm scared. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

    I hope my sadness is not contagious. I just have to write how I feel at this very moment.

    Love Maggie DX Sept 2009 Sub type Extranodal marginal zone b cell NHL-remission Jan 2011??
  • COBRA666
    COBRA666 Member Posts: 2,401
    allmost60 said:

    Ahhhh
    The Doors/Crystal Ship...BeeGees//Night Fever....chemo can't take away those good old day memories!...ha! Loves ya all..Sue (NHL-2-3A-6/10

    Hmmmmm!!!!!
    Here we have people living in different parts of the country,different upbringings different likes and dislikes and different taste in music.Just look what it took to bring them together. Just goes to show that cancer is not predjudice. I guess it's a little something to think about,HUH. John
  • truckingalong
    truckingalong Member Posts: 444

    Good question
    Hi,

    My oncologist told me she doesn't expect the cancer to return, and if it does, it might be
    4 or 5 years. I really can't explain, why she said what she did. I will ask her in May.

    The only thought that comes to my mind is the following. In Sept 2009 I had horrible pain in my stomach area. I was rushed to the hospital, had a CT scan that showed my small bowel perforated. I was rushed into the operating room to have my small bowel resected. I was in bad shape and was in the hospital for a total of 3 weeks. It was horrible. The perforation was caused by NHL. Perhaps, because I was operated on, they removed the cancer. I can't help feeling, you know how that sometimes turns out? I had all the usual, bone marrow biopsy, colonscopy, all negative. The last 2 scans came out negative also.
    I did have Rituxan in Dec 2009 once weekly for 4 weeks.

    As I wrote Sue and Leslie, at this moment I am not feeling so hopeful. I can't help these negative feelings. I'm scared. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

    I hope my sadness is not contagious. I just have to write how I feel at this very moment.

    Love Maggie DX Sept 2009 Sub type Extranodal marginal zone b cell NHL-remission Jan 2011??

    protecting ourselves
    Hi, Maggie,

    Thinking negative then positive makes sense. We guard ourselves from falling apart by being cautious therefore appearing to be "negative". I also think of 5 stages of coping with death issues: shock or denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. Dealing with these emotional stages are not necessarily in order and we go back to these different stages from time to time... I am going back to work next week - I will be fine and strong but hey, I am not sure because I will have another scan in June. Those thoughts creep in me and I hate that. Reading all your posts comfort me. Thank you for being negative and positive, ha!

    Hugs,
    Liz
  • miss maggie
    miss maggie Member Posts: 929

    protecting ourselves
    Hi, Maggie,

    Thinking negative then positive makes sense. We guard ourselves from falling apart by being cautious therefore appearing to be "negative". I also think of 5 stages of coping with death issues: shock or denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. Dealing with these emotional stages are not necessarily in order and we go back to these different stages from time to time... I am going back to work next week - I will be fine and strong but hey, I am not sure because I will have another scan in June. Those thoughts creep in me and I hate that. Reading all your posts comfort me. Thank you for being negative and positive, ha!

    Hugs,
    Liz

    Hi Liz
    Dear Liz,

    I am so glad my post didn't make you as sad as I was feeling. I am also glad I am not alone in my thoughts of being positive and negative at times.

    I think it is wonderful you are going back to work next week. Good for you. You encourage me with your positive outlook for your future. As far as your scan in June. I will pray for you. I will post what you and others would tell me. For now, try and not worry about the scan. Take one day at a time if you can.

    All my love Maggie
  • JoanieP
    JoanieP Member Posts: 573
    Time
    Hi I am so happy you are through with your treatments. Trust the Dr and live everyday. If they say there is a very slight chance of it returning they are telling you the truth. You have been given a blessing. TIME will eventually make that constant worry fade almost completely. I think this experience will make you so apprecitive of every day. This is not a lesson most people as young as you have learned. I am so happy for you. Go live your life with joy and thanksgiving. God bless you. Joanie
  • JoanieP
    JoanieP Member Posts: 573
    JoanieP said:

    Time
    Hi I am so happy you are through with your treatments. Trust the Dr and live everyday. If they say there is a very slight chance of it returning they are telling you the truth. You have been given a blessing. TIME will eventually make that constant worry fade almost completely. I think this experience will make you so apprecitive of every day. This is not a lesson most people as young as you have learned. I am so happy for you. Go live your life with joy and thanksgiving. God bless you. Joanie

    Young
    I reread your post. I assumed you were in your 20's or 30's. ????
  • truckingalong
    truckingalong Member Posts: 444

    Hi Liz
    Dear Liz,

    I am so glad my post didn't make you as sad as I was feeling. I am also glad I am not alone in my thoughts of being positive and negative at times.

    I think it is wonderful you are going back to work next week. Good for you. You encourage me with your positive outlook for your future. As far as your scan in June. I will pray for you. I will post what you and others would tell me. For now, try and not worry about the scan. Take one day at a time if you can.

    All my love Maggie

    Thanks, Maggie
    Thanks, Maggie for your comment. It really uplifts me to know that I am not too negative either, smile.

    Love as always,
    Liz