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Was diagnosed in late February 2009 and Just found this site.

pandahugz77
Posts: 17
Joined: Mar 2011

Hi all! I have a lot to share. Please read my story. I was said to be in remission in November of 2009, but my last two PET Scans have came back abnormal. The first being in September when they found a spot in my lung. I was told if it was active it would probably be some other form of cancer because lymphoma supposively won't form in the lungs. Luckily, after two needle biopsies of my right lung, the results came back just being scar tissue. Still don't understand how it got there, but am greatful. Then this latest PET Scan came back showing abnormalities in the lymph nodes in the left side of my neck. I was referred to a surgeon after my Oncologist couldn't feel anything because he wanted a biopsy done. I wondered why he didn't just schedule the biopsy himself, but had my suspicions. They came true after I met with the surgeon. I was already expecting exactly what he said, but it still caught me off guard. Maybe because he actually located a lump in the front of my neck on the left side. He said instead of just doing the typical needle biopsy, he just wants to go in and remove it. I thought I was going to be fine being that I'm a lot healthier now then I was when all of this started, but I am so scared. I was just getting my life back on track and things were going good. Now I'm facing all this again and I'm afraid everything I've gained will be taken from me again.

The love of my life is being so wonderful. He is doing his best to keep me upbeat and positive. Though I don't think he knows exactly how scared I am. My daughter is already worried, so I'm trying to hide it from her too. We just got back together after being apart for two years while I fought and recovered (please see my story). Everyone says I'm so strong for having gone through all this already and facing the tests and treatments alone. But I'm just tired. Tired of being so strong. I know I can't give up. I've came so far and gained so much. I'm just tired and scared.

Michele23
Posts: 168
Joined: Mar 2011

Hi welcome,sorry you have the need to be in our circle once again.It's o.k. to be scared.This damn disease pulls on our hearts and souls,and pushes us to the max.Don't be so hard on yourself.You've come through the darkness before and made it and if need be you'll find a way to do it again.Sending you a hug and some positive thoughts.Michele

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1109
Joined: Jul 2009

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this again. You didn't say if it was hodgkins or non hodgkins. I had non hodgkins and that was 23 years ago. They told me there was a chance it would come back once and it did a year and a half later but they only told me that after it came back the second time, better not to scare you once you beat it once. I'm glad they didn't tell me that before.

About the scaring in your lungs, I have that too. I'm not sure what your treatments were like but I had pneumonia a few times while I was in having my bone marrow transplant and it was the pneumonia that gave me the scar tissue. I have heard others had the same thing from different issues in their treatments.

I am short of time today and can't read your whole story but was wondering why your partner left you while you were recovering? I know how you feel about people talking about how strong you are, they mean well but sometimes you just want to shout 'IM NOT STRONG I'M SCARED OUT OF MY FREAKIN MIND'. It's okay, most feel that way for sure. On this site you can be open about how you REALLY FEEL and you don't have to put on a smiley face to protect those near. We have all been there at some point too so we get it.

I hope you find support too in a close friend with whom you can be honest, it would be nice if you could share your down times with your partner as well, he should see all aspects of your dealing with all of this so he can be supportive. I know you don't want to burden anyone but anyone who truly cares about you should want to help and be there no matter how you are feeling - up or down. Don't stuff your emotions. I know with your daughter that's different but you need to be honest and just feel what you feel. It's the quickest way to get through this, be honest with yourself and others.

Many of us have counsellors we can talk to as well to get professional input and sometimes we get stuck in one of our grieving stages and they can help us through. If you consider a counsellor it's best, at least I think it is, to get one who deals with cancer patients/survivors.

I am here though after 23 years of dealing with it all to tell you that you can do it though. I know the second time is awful because you feel like you almost used all your energy on the first time around but you have an unlimited resource, don't worry. It's also that you now know what treatments and the stressors are like that makes you scared but like the first time, you will get through.

We are all here for you. Don't be afraid to keep posting and be honest with your feelings. It will help you. In 23 years you will be writing to support other lymphoma patients who are just starting out in their journey with cancer OR maybe by then they will have found a cure. I hope it's the later, as we all do.

All the best.

Blessings,

Bluerose

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3184
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Panda,
I did read your story and yes, you have definetely been through the mill and back with your cancer problems. You did it once and you can do it again. Hang in there and know we are here for you.
Best wishes..Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

pandahugz77
Posts: 17
Joined: Mar 2011

Sorry, I thought I had said, but it was actually Hodgkins not Non-Hodgkins. I still don't really understand the difference.

As for my partner, I know I was dealing with a lot, but I was stable and in remission at the time. I know that isn't a good excuse, but he had taken on a lot with me. A lot of men would have ran in the other direction. At the time he pushed me away, he did it so he didn't burden me. Why do men think that way? He was going through a rough time at work. The company he works for was going through financial trouble and he was afraid he was going to loose his job. The idea of loosing his job was too much for him to handle and something had to give. So instead of turning to me for support he pushed me away. Instead of getting depressed I went on a free dating site and was honest with him about it. I wasn't happy there, but I did make some good friends. When he came back in January he truely apologized and I asked him how long it took him to miss me. He said it was less than two weeks. So of course I had to ask why it took him so long to come back. He said it was cause he thought I was moving on and he didn't want to stop me. What can I say, but MEN! Eventhough I didn't need it, the time away did him some good and made him realize how much I really mean to him. He has been wonderful every since. The weird thing is, I've made all my progress with him by my side. The whole two months he was gone, I was at a standstill. I was still in therapy, but wasn't making any major progress. The minute he came back everything changed.

Now with my latest health scare, he has promised that he will be with me through everything. Right now he's trying to do like the doctor has asked and keep me positive. Like you said, I need to just let him know just how scared I am.

This is a whole new experience. When I was first diagnosed, I had let myself get so sick that I just wanted to die. Now I have gained so much, I'm more afraid of loosing everything than the actual illness itself. I have so much to fight for, which is good, but the idea of loosing it all terrifies the hell out of me.

truckingalong
Posts: 444
Joined: Aug 2010

I feel for you - you have gone through so much and then have to deal with your partner. But good to see that he is trying to be there for you, although, for anyone, this process is not easy. You make a lot of sense because I have been scared too. We just have to go through the jungle then come out ok. I too had Hodgkins - whatever - it sucks. Just keep the faith and I send you positive thoughts.

Liz

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