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Screaming, Crying and Singing

okthen's picture
Posts: 232
Joined: Jun 2010

Good evening everyone! Well heck, guess it's good morning..140 am here...

I know I've posted sounding like a crazy depressed woman lately, and I appreciate your listening and the support you've given!

I left the house today, by myself, which never happens anymore, (Jack had a buddy here all day, so he wasn't alone) anyway...by myself.... Had to run errands in the next town over.
I cried and screamed and sang to sad songs, and screamed, and then screamed some more. Dang...I think it helped...haha At least for a few hours....I'm sitting here balling again, but I still feel like I'm coming around.

I guess I just wanted to post something to let you all know that I feel your support, heck, I need your support and it's helping. I don't want to just come on with my drama and then disappear until the next breakdown. (o:

I know there is a caregiver board, but I hesitate to "move"....I've moved enough lately. lol

Talked with my local hospital, they told me they do not refuse care to anyone, no matter how much I already owe them (which I am paying on....slowly compared to the balance)...so, should know about health insurance by the 15th, will hold on with my health issues till then but damn I am sick of these pain pills, even when they kick the pain I'm left feeling like poop.

Beginning to understand Jacks reluctance to take them....

Craig, if you're here...coming to Ft. Worth for spring break...you and Kim want to meet with me and Jack for a Drink? I'm not a drinker, but seriously considering taking it up. ((WINK)) haha
PM me if so..

Have some actual Jack/Cancer/chemo questions that I will start a new thread for...

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pepebcn's picture
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

Cheer up my friend!

Sundanceh's picture
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

I'd love to meet you and Jack when you get into "Cowtown" - just give me a heads up as to when you will be here and I can check my chemo dates and see where those fall and get something figured out.

"Welcome Home!"


geotina's picture
Posts: 2123
Joined: Oct 2009

Crying in the car, radio loud, been there, done that so you are not alone. If anyone looks at you funny, so what, who cares, you don't know them. After the initial shock of things, I never wanted to cry in front of George again, especially after he said one time, "I'm sorry I did this to you". He never did anything to me. George went to the doctor regularly, was active, so I have no idea how this happened to him and how when discovered it was so bad.

Now as far as your health concerns, I don't know what is wrong or what you are dealing with but if you can't afford to see a doctor and you need to check with the social worker at Jack's hospital, there may be resources they know about that you don't and can get you checked out at minimal cost. It may be a clinic type setting which you may not like but you will be seen and that is what is important now.

Take care - Tina

Lori-S's picture
Posts: 1286
Joined: Sep 2010


I can so relate to getting in the car and crying and listening to songs and singing and screaming and crying some more. I never did that about my cancer, but, I've done that about my son's illness. There were times when leaving the hospital for a break and getting in the car that I would just break down and cry from the bottom of my heart before even turning the ignition. Get it out, we all need to do that sometimes.

On my 5th FOLFOX, it hit me so hard that I actually said out loud to myself that I wasn't going to do it anymore. And that surprised me because I am one strong person when it comes to taking what comes my way. I can understand Jack's not wanting to do chemo anymore too. I am questioning whether or not I will do chemo after this next surgery to remove the new growth in my colon. There is a life for me to live and I can't do that on chemo. There are so many things to consider when deciding these things and I'm sure that Jack has gone over all these questions in his mind. It doesn't make him weak or mean that he loves you any less. Believe, I've questioned myself about those things. Do I want to stop because I am too weak to do it? If I stop chemo will those around me think that I've given up and don't love them enough to continue for them? Will not doing chemo give me a better quality of life? Will continuing chemo take away my chance to enjoy my life? And all the other questions you see on the board. It's a lot to consider. Please be patient with Jack. I know that is hard to do when his decision will so affect your life. and please, take care of yourself and see that you have help and support too.

I will pray that your health situation has some good outcomes and that you can have that taken care of. I know how long you have been suffering with it. It doesn't help everything else when you're not feeling well yourself.

You will always have your seat here at our family table. No need to worry about it. We all love you. If you need to visit other boards then do that too. No one will take your seat, ever. HUGS

Posts: 160
Joined: Mar 2011

So sorry to know that there are so many that want to scream and cry. I know that I have
been like that for a long time. It is such a lonesome feeling, but I usually feel some
relief when I give in to it. If I let it build up inside I feel so angry that I am afraid
to be around anyone. Several of you have mentioned a caregiver's site. I cannot find
that discussion board. Could anyone direct me to it? I have wonderful children, but
when I try to talk with them, they usually just tell me to "be strong, Dad will get well."
But I watch him every day, I don't see him getting better. I am not sure I will be able to
handle things when the disease progresses.

Lovekitties's picture
Posts: 3372
Joined: Jan 2010

If you go to the list of Discussion Boards page you will first see a list of the various cancer boards. After that list there is a section called "other boards" and the one for Caregivers is the first on the list.

okthen's picture
Posts: 232
Joined: Jun 2010

Gracie, Pepe, Craig, Tina, Marie, Lori....love you all back!
I think I need to "let it out" so I can start over...at least that is how it seems to be working. I'll be screaming in the car again before I know it...

Tina, I so get what you said, I feel so guilty if I cry in front of Jack, I see the pain on his face, he doesn't want me to be sad and he blames himself...that is NOT what I want to happen.

Regarding the health coverage, or help...that too is part of my frustration. I have talked to everyone I could ever imagine could be remotely connected to helping someone without insurance, there appears to be nothing available to me except payment plans. So be it, but then I worry about pre-existing condition issues. Hopefully the insurance will accept me this month, I had been waiting on Healthwell foundation to approve Jacks application for help before I started insurance on me, because honestly, I don't know how I will pay for it. But Healthwell ran out of funds, so four months later we are sitting here in the same spot as when I applied in November.
I wish I knew how that worked...we were rejected, yet they don't keep a waiting list of applicants..so if I apply again,,will it be another several months...just to hear that they are out of funds again?

Lori, yes the screams are for the man I love...the frustration that I can't fix this for him, or convince him that he can't ignore this and it will go away. )o: I think about your son and your pain for him every day and pray that things will be fixed for him, and you of course, for all of us....patient or caregiver...
Thanks for saving my seat, it means a lot! (o:

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