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Angry and Hurt

Posts: 38
Joined: Dec 2010

It's a week since my sister has died and my oldest sister calls to say she wants one of her diamond rings. She is the oldest sister that has not been there the last year to take care of my youngest sister (who passed). There is a lot of history involved here that would take me a very long post to explain. Me and my other sister have taken care of my youngest sister with her battle with cancer, taking time off work, forgoeing time with our families, etc. Its what you do for your family and every thing we did was for our sister who we love.

It has not been a week since she passed and I get a call saying my oldest sister says she wants one of her diamond rings, she doesn't have a wedding ring.

I thought me and my other sister had an agreement that nothing, unless specified, who'd be given away for a month. A family needs time to grieve, and i hate the thought of a bunch of vultures descending.

Am I being mean and selfish...I don't want anything really...but i hate the thought of people just scooping in to take advantage of my mothers grief....I am so angry???

DrMary's picture
Posts: 522
Joined: Nov 2010

(my daughter always forces me to see both sides of things - sometimes I hate it). Your sister might be going through her stages of grief in an unusual way. What might seem grabby to you might be her own way of trying to deny her sister's death, memorialize her life, or just try to make herself feel better.

My mother was like that - she would use material things (and the want of them) to push aside grief (and guilt). It's possible that older sister wants this diamond as some kind of tangible proof that she meant something to her deceased sister.

I'm not suggesting you cater to your older sister's wishes, just understand what's behind them, as it might reduce the sting you are feeling right now. Try to drive out the image of the vultures and replace it with one of a very dysfunctional griever - it might help.

However, hold your ground. "I understand how you feel, but there's nothing to be lost by waiting a few more weeks before distributing stuff - this is an important step and we don't want to rush through it." (Yeah, I probably wouldn't think of saying that in the heat of the moment, but I can dream.)

Remember that nothing can hurt your deceased sister now. . . breathe and remember that when it gets rough.

mswijiknyc's picture
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

to be mean and selfish, now is it. Stick to the original plan of nothing changes hands until a month is out. The sister can wait, and it's possible that she may even change her mind. And if she throws a giant fit, well then maybe a few others will wake up and see who is who.

(Kinda been going through this myself, not so much with material things though. I posted about this on the grief board)

Stick to your guns, hun. Miss Mary, yes I understand, but if this woman can't be there when she was needed and most urgently why give her the reward of something tangible when she dictates? Even I can only be so nice . . .

Barbara53's picture
Posts: 658
Joined: Aug 2009

You're entitled to feel angry, hurt and exhausted after the last few months. But look at what's at stake here -- a ring, an object, stuff. It is not worth a family rift, I promise.

I'm also confused about your mother's role. Are these family rings over which your mother should have providence? If so, give them to her and let her do as she will with them. Perhaps your mother will find comfort in having them in her possession.

I'm taking care of my mother (late stage ovarian) and during her illness, a major conflict between my brothers, with much bad juju, has healed. Mom says it's the best thing that has come out of her cancer.

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