Was I mean? (long post)

jendrey · February 2011

An oncology nurse told me I was mean and asked me why I was always angry whenever I called them. You decide:

After months of being jerked around by the oncology department I finally just went off on them. For starters, my Dr. moved away - too much of a commute for him. (It happens, no doubt he's got an outside life too!) This was in June of last year and as a result I've been stuck seeing the NP. Even when I called Patient Advocacy and they put a note on my file that I was to see the Dr.; this only resulted in me being seen by the other NP. I actually overheard the Dr. say he was to busy and had to go to a meeting. It happens..

Then I 'd been sent 3 appt. notices for Dr. visit on December 16. On the 15th I get a call telling me that since I'd missed my CT scan appt. on the 13th that my new CT scan appt. was rescheduled for Dec. 21 and would send appt. notice with what time. But they didn't. Also, I never received an appt. notice for a CT scan on the 13th. Until then it was the only appt. notice I hadn't ever received which I found a little too convenient.

I did get an appt. notice for January 27th. At 5:30 on Jan. 26th I get a call telling me that since I hadn't had the CT scan that there was no reason for the appt. and that the CT scan is now rescheduled for February 17th and Dr. visit for Feb. 18th. Again, said time of appt. would be sent. But it wasn't.

I did get an appt. notice for March 7th to see the Dr. (read NP). I can hardly wait for a call on March 6th...

For the last 5 weeks I've had some fairly moderate bone pain in my hip and also in my neck but not so bad. Basically, I have a pain on my butt and a pain in my neck!!!

(which is why I was calling) But it pales in comparison to the insatiable itching I have about 75% of the time.

I can barely hold any conversation at times let alone a civil one. After she said I was mean I told her that she might be just as irritated too if she constantly itched/scratched so bad that the bruises left from it make me look like a domestic abuse victim.

That's when she asked why I always was angry whenever I called. Any semblance of civility I had up to that point began to fade. She went on to say "At least you don't have pain." WTF? I'm up for trading itch for pain...uh, will I need a referral for that dept?!!

So, whadya think? Was I mean?

Survivor73 · February 2011

No, you were too nice
If I was being jerked around with incompetencies and it was regarding my health and suffering, I would have lost it too.

I think you need to call them once a week and confirm appt's...maybe they'll get the hint that they are making constant mistakes...

I would also look for a new Dr...you don't need the headache of trying to ensure appt's are correct or missed due to their errors...

Take care,

Try calling the CT place directly and explaing the problems you are having...maybe they can help you. it's usually easier to avoid the idiots...

Good luck, hope everything turns out ok.

jendrey · February 2011

Survivor73 said:
No, you were too nice
If I was being jerked around with incompetencies and it was regarding my health and suffering, I would have lost it too.

I think you need to call them once a week and confirm appt's...maybe they'll get the hint that they are making constant mistakes...

I would also look for a new Dr...you don't need the headache of trying to ensure appt's are correct or missed due to their errors...

Take care,

Try calling the CT place directly and explaing the problems you are having...maybe they can help you. it's usually easier to avoid the idiots...

Good luck, hope everything turns out ok.

...
Yep, I really should find an oncologist. I'd thought about going to Loma Linda but I kept thinking that I was about done with all of the intensive treatment and could put up with a follow-up appt. or two..that is, until this bone pain set in.

The CT scan and appt's are both located at the hospital, which often interprets as "I don't have that info right now" for some wacky reason. I ended up calling medical imaging myself and scheduled a CT scan for March 4th. It seemed to help that I mentioned I had the Department of Health complaint forms in hand. (The FBI and DA's office raided the hospital back in November, but I digress.)

Thanks, I was begining to wonder if it was just me.

disneyfan2008 · February 2011

so so sorry
DO you think time to look for new Dr /dr office?

From the sounds of it you log all your calls and contact. Have you spoken directly to the Doctor?

PinkPearl · February 2011

So much to deal with
With just the itching and the bone pains, you have enough going on without all of the apt. changes. I don't know if you were mean since I didn't hear what was said but you are the patient afterall and going through alot right now and I am sorry. Some of react with anger, others with tears and others stuff it away-sometimes enough is just enough! Hope it all gets resolved soon and you will feel better.

Hippiechick58 · February 2011

PinkPearl said:
So much to deal with
With just the itching and the bone pains, you have enough going on without all of the apt. changes. I don't know if you were mean since I didn't hear what was said but you are the patient afterall and going through alot right now and I am sorry. Some of react with anger, others with tears and others stuff it away-sometimes enough is just enough! Hope it all gets resolved soon and you will feel better.

I hope you can get a dx
I hope you can get a dx soon!It must be unbearable having so much pain and being jerked around. So much for patient validation! I wouldn't worry about being mean. It was mean of them to do what they did. You are just reacting out of frustration and pain.

It's easy for me to say, but I think you should start looking around for a new Dr. One who respects you and treats you like a valuable human being.

Good luck and Feel Better Soon,
Dianne

jendrey · February 2011

disneyfan2008 said:
so so sorry
DO you think time to look for new Dr /dr office?

From the sounds of it you log all your calls and contact. Have you spoken directly to the Doctor?

...
Nope, I haven't seen or talked to an oncology Dr. since June last year. I truly don't want to sound mean or angry because I'm not. When the itching is going on I just cannot focus long enough to get the irritation out of my demeanor. I realize that this in no way endears me to anyone.. I'm not angry I'm just in a state of exasperation from the itching.

When the itching episode subsided (next day) I went to See's and picked a small box of chocolates, took them to the nurse and apologized.

Different Ballgame · February 2011

You are not going to like what I am going to say.
Sometimes dealing with the doctors, nurses, and staff is a GAME. Some are wonderful and there are no problems. Then, there are the others who are not so wonderful and there are many problems.

The bottom line is that you are responsible for your body and your health care. You do not allow anyone to jerk you around, take advantage of you, or treat you disrespectfully. However, people are human and if you speak to them in a tone that makes them bristle, they are not going to bend over backwards for you. Instead, speak to them with honey in your words but also be firm. Sometimes humor works on an edgy relationship.

It is your responsibility to follow up with them as to appointment date. If they have not called you within a few days, then you call them. Give them only 2 days to respond. Do not wait any longer than that time.

It is your responsibility to tell them nicely, but firmly, the pain and discomfort you are going through and that you need a doctor to see you NOW so you can get relief with both your skin and bone pain. You certainly do not need a CT scan to treat your skin. Ask if they can recommend a dermatologist. It sounds to me that your skin problem is escalating, which can be horrific. It is unacceptable for them not to give you an immediate appointment to have this attended.

You now have a bad relationship with the nurse. I don't know how you are going to rectify it, unless you want to play the Game. If the nurse is telling you that you have a meanest to your voice, then you have a meanest to your voice. No one wants to be on the receiving end of meanest or an uncivil tone. It is your decision as to how you want to communicate to be effective.

I understand your frustrations, your discomfort, and your pain. I understand that you have breast cancer and that you are in treatment and need to see someone who can help you NOW. If you want to scream, yell, be uncivil, be mean - do it to us or to the wall, but not to them, because they are not going to react as quickly as you need them to react if you treat them unkindly.

And...if you have the resources available to change your doctors, then do so quickly.

Good luck.

Lots of Hugs,
Janelle

CypressCynthia · February 2011

I do not think you are mean,
I do not think you are mean, but I do think you are angry about your cancer and that you are maybe acting out your anger in an inappropriate and ineffective (for you) way? Anger is a way that most of us cope, but, if you take it out on your health care team, you are shooting yourself in the foot.

At this point, I would switch docs, if you can. If not, take the office some baked goods, apologize and then discuss with her how best to resolve some of your issues. Think of every member as part of YOUR team and treat them as you yourself would want to be treated. And although I am biased because I am an NP, don't be so quick to dismiss the NP's. Talk with them with respect and they are often very good (and have more time) at answering your questions and concerns. Then, if he/she doesn't answer your questions, ask him/her if they can ask your physician.

And, if you find yourself staying too angry, please remember this can be a sign of depression--something most of us have had to deal with. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

fauxma · February 2011

CypressCynthia said:
I do not think you are mean,
I do not think you are mean, but I do think you are angry about your cancer and that you are maybe acting out your anger in an inappropriate and ineffective (for you) way? Anger is a way that most of us cope, but, if you take it out on your health care team, you are shooting yourself in the foot.

At this point, I would switch docs, if you can. If not, take the office some baked goods, apologize and then discuss with her how best to resolve some of your issues. Think of every member as part of YOUR team and treat them as you yourself would want to be treated. And although I am biased because I am an NP, don't be so quick to dismiss the NP's. Talk with them with respect and they are often very good (and have more time) at answering your questions and concerns. Then, if he/she doesn't answer your questions, ask him/her if they can ask your physician.

And, if you find yourself staying too angry, please remember this can be a sign of depression--something most of us have had to deal with. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

CC made an excellent point
CC made an excellent point about NP. I like all my doctors. They are responsive, helpful and I feel very fortunate that I have all of them, but my favorite of all my healthcare providers is my NP that I see for my uterine cancer follow ups. I was given the choice of seeing the oncologist, radiologist, NP or alternating between them. I chose the NP because when I saw her to have my incision checked for an infection she set a wonderful tone. I have been seeing her for 11 years and I have no intention of swtiching to one down here. She listens to my needs, takes all the time I need to do exams, answers all my questions and is the person that felt the blood in my urine needed quick follow up. Good thing as it was bladder cancer. She also arranged for the genetic testing that showed I had Lynch syndrome and Muir Torre. She is just the very best and truly represents what quality healthcare should be. Seeing a NP instead of the doctor is not, in my opinion, a step down. They can do all the basics and if they feel that there is something going on that needs more than they can provide they get you in to see that person. When we thought that I was going to lose my coverage before my 1st sixth month mammo instead of telling me to talk with my breast doctor, she sent me downstairs and said that my breast needed to be looked at now. The other gals have given you good advice for dealing wiht the staff. They cannot tell over the phone that you are frustrated by the itching. Sometimes when we are stressed, in pain, frustrated we do get a strident tone in our voices. You want to have a solid relationship with your healthcare team. If you are truly not happy with them, then by all means look around for someone else. I don't think that you meant to sound angry but that seems to be how it came across. CC is also right about seeing if this is depression.
I cannot say whether you were mean or not because I didn't hear the conversation. But if the staff feels that you were then that is who you must deal with. Wishing you better visits ahead and prayers for discovering what is causing this blasted itching. No fun for sure.
Stef

jendrey · February 2011

fauxma said:
CC made an excellent point
CC made an excellent point about NP. I like all my doctors. They are responsive, helpful and I feel very fortunate that I have all of them, but my favorite of all my healthcare providers is my NP that I see for my uterine cancer follow ups. I was given the choice of seeing the oncologist, radiologist, NP or alternating between them. I chose the NP because when I saw her to have my incision checked for an infection she set a wonderful tone. I have been seeing her for 11 years and I have no intention of swtiching to one down here. She listens to my needs, takes all the time I need to do exams, answers all my questions and is the person that felt the blood in my urine needed quick follow up. Good thing as it was bladder cancer. She also arranged for the genetic testing that showed I had Lynch syndrome and Muir Torre. She is just the very best and truly represents what quality healthcare should be. Seeing a NP instead of the doctor is not, in my opinion, a step down. They can do all the basics and if they feel that there is something going on that needs more than they can provide they get you in to see that person. When we thought that I was going to lose my coverage before my 1st sixth month mammo instead of telling me to talk with my breast doctor, she sent me downstairs and said that my breast needed to be looked at now. The other gals have given you good advice for dealing wiht the staff. They cannot tell over the phone that you are frustrated by the itching. Sometimes when we are stressed, in pain, frustrated we do get a strident tone in our voices. You want to have a solid relationship with your healthcare team. If you are truly not happy with them, then by all means look around for someone else. I don't think that you meant to sound angry but that seems to be how it came across. CC is also right about seeing if this is depression.
I cannot say whether you were mean or not because I didn't hear the conversation. But if the staff feels that you were then that is who you must deal with. Wishing you better visits ahead and prayers for discovering what is causing this blasted itching. No fun for sure.
Stef

..
I consider everyone's thoughts to be constructive. And if you're telling me something that I might not like to hear well, you're only telling me because nobody else will.

Thank you.

As I mentioned, I went to See's, picked up a box of chocolates and then took them to the nurse and apologized.

My problem with the NP is that she just can't seem to ever answer even the most simplest question. (NP and the involved nurse = not same) For instance, I'm anemic and I'll ask about my iron levels. I have yet to learn what they are, even though I have a CBC/lab work before every visit. Also she totally invades my personal space by standing so close that she is actually touching me. I dunno, maybe if she could just pay attention instead of telling me all about how her latest tennis game was...

Thanks for ALL of your input.

fauxma · March 2011

jendrey said:
..
I consider everyone's thoughts to be constructive. And if you're telling me something that I might not like to hear well, you're only telling me because nobody else will.

Thank you.

As I mentioned, I went to See's, picked up a box of chocolates and then took them to the nurse and apologized.

My problem with the NP is that she just can't seem to ever answer even the most simplest question. (NP and the involved nurse = not same) For instance, I'm anemic and I'll ask about my iron levels. I have yet to learn what they are, even though I have a CBC/lab work before every visit. Also she totally invades my personal space by standing so close that she is actually touching me. I dunno, maybe if she could just pay attention instead of telling me all about how her latest tennis game was...

Thanks for ALL of your input.

I think it is sweet that you
I think it is sweet that you brought candy and an apology to them. It sounds like you are having genuine problems with the NP. It is very important to know that you are seeing someone who is willing and able to answer your questions and if this is not happening you need to ask and ask again. And I would hate having my personal space invaded. I am not big on people standing practically on top of me either. Oh and telling you about her personal stuff during your visit and time is not the benchmark of a good NP or any healthcare provider. It may be time to ask when you can have an appointment with the doctor or another nurse if possible. I hope this gets resolved for you because a good team is so important to your healthcare. This journey is tough enough without feeling like you are fighting for basic information and guidance. Big hugs and hoping that you can get better care.
Stef

Was I mean? (long post)

Comments

Discussion Boards