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I feel lost ( venting ) !

Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

AT 3:30 am I've done dishes even boiled a few eggs, why I dont' know. ( eggs are ickie ) Earlier tonite i awoke from sleep crying like a baby wanting my Mom? Hmmm strange if my mother were here today she' be telling me "knock off this crap and deal with it" I am a ********** ( my last name) and us ********* are tuff ppl, we overcome we beat anything that comes our way. Oh gosh what is up with me? Of course am going thru chemo again, maybe it's messing with me, maybe I truely had enough and going "nuts" ???
My soon to be ex husband made me cry a few days ago, his attitude , took his bad day out on me who knows.... and tonite or earlier this morning I realized even tho he helped thru my first round of chemo, he's not the one I really want supporting me as I go thru chemo once again. I have no one, all my family live far away, friends/aquaintenaces I have around here , well the thot of me sitting thru 3 days of chemo is not something they would like to be apart of. So truely feel like Im alone in a sense, and yes maybe it's good to have my husband around. I have my faith, and blessed I have the big guy to lean on. Somehow leaning on my faith doesn't seem to be enough. ( shame on me ). I sat and thot what would I like as I go thru this and right now someone who is so unselfish, who would let me curl up against them and cry if I want and don't ask me why I am just know this is what i want or need to do. Someone who doesn't expect me to be strong all the time and know that I am weak, cuz I am human. Someone who doesn't ask my why "Im doing dishes at 3:30 am and just know that I just want too, and not disturbing anyone"... So hubby who is here supporting me, how can I make you understand I don't always have the answers to my crazy behavior...don't question me, don't worry about me, don't deny my tears.. if you want to do anything cut me some slack and let me be for just a little while pls......

zinniemay's picture
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Brend, We don't always know what to say or do, Greg's battle with cancer has taught me so much and yet I know so little. Sometimes I feel so alone . My brain is on over load , I don't know answers for you, I wish I did. I know I want to set with you and let you cry and help you get threw this but don't know how.
Sometimes we are just so lost and we say one thing and do another. We want, we need, we feel, we cry. We are just so losted in all this.
See now I am rambling on !
What I want to say my friend is how much I care about you and I wish I knew how to help you. I wish a million wishes for each person I have met. I wish I could Do something to show how much I really care.
You are worth so much to me.

Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

If only I lived near you, I would put my arms around you and just let you cry. Boiling eggs & doing dishes at 3:30 a.m.? What the heck girl, you need support and I and everyone else are here for you. You're entitled to crazy behavior so don't give it a second thought. Sometime the wee hours of the morning, when you can't sleep is a good time to just be alone & think, cry or do whatever you want. I wish your ex-husband (soon to be) would understand what you're going through. Don't you have any close friends you can confide in??? Please take care and you can vent to us anytime. Take care!! "Carole"

Posts: 38
Joined: Dec 2010

Hospice told us Thursday that it could be a few days or longer for my sister to pass. This last week she has turned a corner and gone downhill fast. Even though we've road this roller coaster for 4 years it was heartbreaking to hear this. I came home and told my husband and he right away changed the subject to his work. I told him ok you don't want to talk about it and he said "I figured you've dealt enough with this and you needed to take your mind off it". NO i need to cry and scream and talk about every detail of it till i get it out of my system (till the next day).

I never realized how much the loved ones of cancer patients go through, untill I've gone through it. I promise that everyone i meet from now on that is going through this..I will be that ear for them to vent to.

Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Thank u for sharing, and I am so sorry about your sister.
God bless you and your family and sister .........

Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Sorry about your sister Ditzy2. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2010

I know how you feel and the things your going through as of March this year I was cancer free of stage 3 colon cancer and my wife died at 36 in June and as of July I came down with stage 4 colon cancer and I do chemo every 2 weeks for 3 day stay at the hospital and its tearing me down and draining my entertainment and I'm looking at quieting chemo as my last day on 12/26/11. I hope everything works out for you and if you need anyone to talk to I'm here and I wish you a merry Christmas and happy new year.

Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Sorry to hear about your wife Billyray. I certainly understand. I have now gastro cancer, get this last chem July 13th and now back at it again. This will begin 3rd time in 3 yrs. I am very upset heard just before Christmas, but doesnt matter, could have been next week or 5 weeks ago no matter which way it's still sucky! I am begining to believe that I will go thru remission for only 6 months and the remainder of the year will be sick or some cancer brewing in my body somewhere. Geesh what a great thing.......

My heart does go out to you, and your health, I hope that your going to see some good days ahead.....Merry Christmas to you and Happy New Year.....


Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Don't give up fighting! I know it's easy for me to say cause I was only a caregiver & never had the disease myself. I'm sure it has to be scarey & very frustrating at times going through chemo, etc. Don't know what I'd do because it seems like everyone is sick & miserable when they go through it, but guess if it gives you more time you have to try anything.
So are you still married or is your hubby now your ex?? I remember when I first started talking to you , you had said he would soon be your ex.
Be strong & remember we're here for you. My husband died almost 2 years ago, but cause I've gotten so attached to some of you on this site, I keep coming back to see how everyone is doing. Take care!! "Carole"

Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

Sometimes I am forgetting things, wondering to myself am I getting that forgetful thing called""????? Forgot how to spell it! I my, I so know how you are feeling, I feel your pain!! My husband has throat cancer been in and out of the hospital so many times, for how many, but it has been going on for over a year now! The very last visit there said nothing more they can do. No more treatments, that Hospice would be the next step/ He said " No" that " that was like giving up" But since he has been out of the hospital he doesn't talk, sleeps most of the time. I am so so very scared. So now what? What do I do??? I give him is feedings, his insulin give him is iv antibiotics clean his track and around his feeding tube, go get his scrips that he needs refilled. I am not complaining but, if I would just see some improvement, he acts like he is giving up. Although he said he did not want Hospice, I don't like that word, didn't even want to here the word. I feel like there is know hope with Hospice. I know it's all in Gods hands. I do pray. But sometimes I feel so helpless. Like this morning he is suppose to have his antibiotics every 8 hours and I did not get up tell 8 so his next dose is at 4 and the next at 12 omg, And it is suppose to be at room temp for 1 hour before the iv goes in. I know I have to write every little thing down. Sometimes I forget. Anti rejections medicine ant biotic medicine anti reflux medicine anti nausea medicine everything is anti this anti that! Now have to make sure his sugar doesn't drop to low have to check on him take his blood sugar make sure have medicine to bring it up, Make sure his figure nails don't turn blue, could be low oxygen, I do LOVE my husband but sometimes I think I am not helping him. I listen to Michael Bolton all the time, music does help me a lot, I love his song I:m not made of steal I'm just a man Anyway just know that there are so many people that are here to listen to you, we all know so very well what you are going through!! We have or HAVE been there also! Hugs, Sue

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